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Although everyone in my family knows about it, to degrees, I feel like I live in a secret world. When I sit in church, I wonder if anyone knows what I am going through, I am sure there are others. But, I feel like my family and past TBM friends look at me differently, like I have a disease. I am still fully active, temple-recommended member, but anytime I do not say or do anything which is ultra-right TBM, people look at me like I’m defective. My DH does not go, so if I am nice to him, they look at me like I have been deluded by him or something. I have thought about the church so much. I feel like this thinking about it and experience a faith change is what makes us different than your average member. I feel like we think about it a lot.
Hi, I guess I can relate to your post pretty fully. Its more common knowledge about my dh disaffection now, and yes I feel people are looking/treating me differently…but maybe people like you and I are just more sensitive now….my secret side though is that no one at church yet knows that I am now agreeing with how my dh feels about many many things LDS wise….Im only at the start though, he was pondering things for 3 years before he decided he didnt want that identity or part of his life anymore. I am still attending etc as I dont want to do anything rash, Im still thinking about a lot of what I have learned etc nd Im wanting primary for my kids at this point etc.
I too feel that because I have fully accepted my dh and his change in testimony and activity that many are trying to work out how I can still be with him? I feel this mostly from my immeditate family. Its pretty annoying actually…whatever happened to “from the fruits ye shall know them”? My dh is a great dad, hubby, provider, professional etc…but now he has declared he no longer wants to be LDS, he has been wiped! Gone from probably the most respected SIL according to my parents (as he has had a very successful life to date) to being just some guy I married 13years ago! Its a joke…..
So a disease?…maybe that is too strong a word, but yes I feel I am looked at and treated differently. I recently turned down a calling and did sense the meeting ended much differently then any other interview I remember. I also know that when my feelings come out to others about what I no longer believe I know my family and possibly others will not give me credit for my own thoughts, but just blame my Dh for influencing me….how wrong they are….it was Pres Monson getting all polictical that lead me down this journey…dh has simply been there to listen to my confusion and to hug me while I go through the various stages of grief I am now experiencing.
All I can stay is that I certainly now have a testimony that all that matters in this life is how I feel about myself each and every day, how I feel I can follow Christ in my everyday living….only I can know what I feel is heading me in that direction or not…only I can know how I feel I have been directed personally by my Father in Heaven.
Happy new year!
My wife’s disaffection is open knowledge in my ward. I tell people I understand what bothers her, that I agree with a lot of the information that troubles her, but that I made different conclusions about what needed to be done about it. I never really felt the need to keep it private. She didn’t, so that was not an issue. I understand completely when others keep it private though. I’ve spoken to maybe 3 guys at Church about it in detail (but not the Bishop). I think the rest are a little afraid. They might be a curious sometimes, but they don’t really want to know. You know what I mean? I’ve gone to that dark place and look deeply into the place people are afraid to go. That is how I would describe being treated differently — people are a tiny bit afraid of me. They aren’t quite sure what to make of me sometimes. It isn’t anything major. I participate in a positive way in classes. I enjoy teaching too. I have friends in the ward that I like a lot. People are nice to me.
I am very very lucky to be in the Ward I am in right now. The Bishop is a mature and experienced person, very loving. Many families in the Ward aren’t the “perfect” ideal. I made a conscious note of this yesterday at Church actually. I was thinking about it. I was sitting in Gospel Doctrine and decided to do a quick count. About 2/3 of the people in the room were in part-member families or I knew had older children that had left the Church or were seriously inactive. The issues I have in my family affect a majority of the families in the Ward. So I am not alone by any stretch. People are very accepting and tolerant, and for that I am thankful.
Buffy, Sally & Valoel, you all are in a different situation than I am. The ward members around you can see that your spouses are no longer attending and that makes you stand out. It is hard to keep that a secret. “Do you have a secret world?” I feel that I do have a secret world. It is a world of my own making. My dh, is very TBM, and I go along to not disappoint him. So my secret world is in my head, what I actually think and feel as opposed to the image I portray.
“Do people treat you differently?” Sometimes, because my reactions are not what is expected. An example is turning down callings, the bishop or counselor becomes a little more tenuous when approaching me with a potential calling.
At times I miss the credibility and acceptance I used to feel when I gave all the “right” answers. Maybe church life was easier in that way, but the guilt and depression were unfortunate side effects I no longer have to accept.
buffyvs wrote:I have thought about the church so much. I feel like this thinking about it and experience a faith change is what makes us different than your average member. I feel like we think about it a lot
I have wondered about this too. For the past several years I have thought about issues of faith, doctrine, history, etc like an obsession. But I have gained a lot from this pondering. All the time I feel like I am getting closer to an answer, FOR ME. Not the proscribed answer by someone else.
Hi Buffy! I think the being treated differently part wears off with time, people get used to what they are around. I agree that we think about “church stuff” doctrines, policies, culture, whatever much more than the average member. I know I think about these things much more than I used to. I know this analogy has been used multiple times and is not new, but I am a thinker tinkerer – someone who takes things apart mentally to see how it works. My wife doesn’t care how it works – as long as it works, so she doesn’t spend capital trying to see how it’s constructed. Each approach works for each of us. I don’t try to get her to examine the details, and she puts up with my analytical mind. I find a way to make it work, while she allows it to work as is. Together, we make a really good pair, since we don’t expect to approach anything the same way – but both of us are focused on the fact that it works in the end. I hope that isn’t painful for those who are at odds with their spouses. It’s just how my wife and I are, but I think the general principle of recognizing that all of us see things a little differently is important. If all members realized that, I think there wouldn’t be a need to worry about being treated differently or have secret worlds. We would be much more open with and protective of each other. However, that recognition is not an easy thing; hence, secret worlds.
Fwiw, although I don’t feel like I have the type of secret world you describe, I certainly don’t share all of my opinions and beliefs with everyone – since I know not everyone would be able to accept it. I have certain help I can provide due to my calling, and, unfortunately, I have to be very careful sometimes to be accepted as someone who can help. I still correct people when incorrect doctrine is taught or espoused, and I still share thoughts and ideas that definitely are outside the mainstream, but I have to be very, very careful how I do so – simply given the fact that I don’t represent myself in most meetings I attend. So, in a very real sense, I do have a secret world. In my case, however, I accept that as an unavoidable aspect of my calling, so my secret world is different than yours.
This is an interesting question. As I first considered it, I thought that I *do* have a secret world. But as I began to consider the question more, I realized I might not. Here’s what I mean… Obviously, as a disaffected member, I attend church with a much different perspective than most of the TBMs in the ward. I don’t make an effort to hide my disaffection, but I don’t trumpet it either. I try to be positive, upbeat, thoughtful, and honest. I’ve noticed that most people respond positively to this. I’ve had several people thank me for being genuine. And I have a lot of true friends in the ward–though they have varying levels of understanding about how deep my doubts and questions really go.
The choice I’ve made not to trumpet my disaffection has less to do with self-preservation and more to do with “protecting” my LDS friends. The last thing I’d ever want to do is “lead” someone down this road, because it hurts. On the other hand, I think it’s good for LDS to hear and learn about unique perspectives, so I try to be myself and frame unorthodox perspectives in as “non-threatening” a way as possible. And I want people with questions to know I’m someone they can talk to without judgment. So I guess what all this babbling boils down to is that I try to be charitable as I can to the people around me and meet them where they are. My experience is that most people respond in kind.
I think Katie’s approach is good. I think everyone feels they live in a secret world at times, not just the disaffected – there are people struggling within their marriages, people whose kids are having problems, people with financial troubles, people who are in physical distress, people who need an answer to prayer but feel uninspired, people who are insecure, people who feel they aren’t smart enough or interesting enough or accomplished enough, people who feel they don’t fit in because they are not average or not the norm. But really, very few people are looking at others to judge them. They usually look at others to judge themselves (and either they come out on top or on bottom in the comparison). Mostly, though, I think we’re just looking through each other at church. We only see the reflection of ourselves in others and ignore the rest. I live in a secret world too. 😮 Mine is different, however. I hide the fact that I attend a Mormon church from my family. My husband and child are aware and don’t mind, but my mother and siblings and extended family have no idea. I keep it that way for fear of heart attacks and strokes. I would blame myself eternally if that were to happen, especially when they find out I’m actually joining “that church.” I don’t like having to keep so secretive. At my age it seems sort of silly, especially since I don’t participate in weird satanic rituals, hang a witches broom in my doorway and wear a black cape and walk a black cat with me every where I go. Although I do have to admit I love jello in all sorts of flavors and in a variety of ways.
Whimsey
whimsey, There was a man in our ward in the Boston area who was Italian Catholic – with a first name that had more vowels than consonants (literally). He was married to a member of the church for 30 years, took her and their five kids to church each Sunday then went to Mass, paid for missions for their sons, saw at least one son become a Bishop, etc. After 30 years, he woke up one morning and asked his wife if she thought it was time for him to join the Church. That was the year after his “sainted mother” passed away. I also don’t like the general idea of secrecy regarding being baptized, but I understand it completely in your case. I admire you for continuing your journey despite difficult circumstances. You have to do whatever it is you have to do, one way or the other, and you will never get any criticism from me for making those hard choices.
Now that was a great story! I loved it. The lenghts we go to not to hurt or at least think we are hurting are loved ones is very interesting and complex. Glad it fell on understanding ears.
Whimsey
I think that some people are somewhat fearful of asking me questions of what happened or my participation in class, others tell me that they enjoy my comments and realism and see me as very courageous. The RS presidency took 2 months to come visit me in the new ward, but I think it was mainly due to the holidays. I have made many new friends in a new ward after dealing with an abusive bishop it was hard to even step into an LDS building again, but I knew I had to for the sake of my missionary son. The longest I went without going to some sort of a meeting last year was nearly 2 months, I maintained my friendships with my true LDS friends, they were very helpful to me and were always ready to be a listening ear or give hugs, I still went visiting teaching and one of my best friends was a sister I visit taught, never stopped, even if the RS in previous ward cut me off from both having them and being one, my companion said she still wanted me to go with her. I was very confused by all of this and it was extremely painful for me,as I could not get VT’ers in the ward I was attending because my records were not there yet.I think most people are compassionate, loving and supportive when they see your heart, despite if you have lost some faith in the LDS church, they still honor you as being a good person and see that you love the Lord. This has been my experience. I sometimes want to be more open than I can be and forget that most are not as versed in the full history as I am, I do try to be honest at all times about what I believe or what bothers me in the church with my friends and family and likewise what is good and that I enjoy. I have born my testimony 2-3 times in RS last summer and once in Sac. mtg in November. just before my son returned from his mission, so I think that is good for someone who felt the grief was too much and wanted to resign at one point just 2 months before my son came home. whimsey wrote:I live in a secret world too.
😮 Mine is different, however. I hide the fact that I attend a Mormon church from my family. My husband and child are aware and don’t mind, but my mother and siblings and extended family have no idea. I keep it that way for fear of heart attacks and strokes. I would blame myself eternally if that were to happen, especially when they find out I’m actually joining “that church.” I don’t like having to keep so secretive. At my age it seems sort of silly, especially since I don’t participate in weird satanic rituals, hang a witches broom in my doorway and wear a black cape and walk a black cat with me every where I go. Although I do have to admit I love jello in all sorts of flavors and in a variety of ways.Whimsey
I think if and when I go back to Church – I will be exactly the same as you! The last two times I attended (only for a short time) my whole family knew – a boy did I get some opposition from it. The arguments in the house increased and Mum would just use being a Mormon against me so many times. I have finally come to the conclusion that while I live with my parents and my life is not my own (it is of course – but I hope you know what I mean) that I can not attend the Church. It may be the cowards way out and I am sure many LDS would not approve of this way – but I like to keep everyone happy and I think keeping my Mum and family in the dark is the only way. I wish my family could be more like my friends (non member) who are all supportive of me whatever I decide. Everytime I have told them I am going back to Church or leaving – there response has been “Ok, so what you got planned for the weekend?”. I love my friends!
I had the same experience living with my Mum and going to church did cause some problems
And it seems that now im not going she is happier
*shrug*
Ill go back at some point
and when I do i think i shall keep that from my mum
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