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So I have a two-year-old daughter, and as she’s beginning to grow and learn, I’m beginning to wonder what to do. I think having a religious community is incredibly important–especially for children. And that’s one of the primary reasons I’m still committed to being active in the Church, doubts and all. But I DON’T love everything they teach in Church. And I’m wondering how to approach this with my daughter and other children I may have in the future.
Here are my concerns–and perhaps some of you could share with me your perspective and advice.
On the one hand, I want my daughter to grow up WITHOUT the near-deification of Joseph Smith and modern-day prophets that has been the source of so much confusion and pain in my life. I want her grow up without the guilt and perfectionism that governed my life for so many years. I want her to learn to think for herself and value the answers she receives for herself, and to know that she’s good enough, she’s smart enough, and by golly, people like her.
On the other hand, I don’t want to lay too much of this on her at a young age. I don’t want her to be disloyal to the Church. I wonder if she needs that firm foundation and structure in her life as a child. And a part of me is really, REALLY concerned about sewing seeds of doubt in her mind…because, after all, I even doubt my doubts!
So what do you think? Should I share my unorthodox perspectives? Should I “de-program” some of the teachings I find most troubling as we talk about them at home? Or should I avoid complicating her life by supporting what she hears in church? Any advice?
Sounds like you know what you want her to know. Do you remember anything from when you were 2? I don’t have many memories before the age of 7 or 8. At this point, you are giving her some good, positive social interaction with children her age. Cross the bridges as you come to them, otherwise you’ll feel overwhelmed at the thought of all the de-programming you’ll probably have to do. My oldest just went into YW and since I am a convert I never attended YW. I am quite nervous about what kinds of things are taught. What kind of guilt-inducing lessons will be put before her? Will she be made to feel inadequate or will she know that she is loved because she is who she is? I do ask her in the car on the way home what was talked about in class and I do damage control, if needed. I told her she might be asked to give a talk in sacrament now that she’s in YW and told her she was allowed to say “no, thank you” or “I’ll think about it” if she didn’t want to do it. I’m glad I’m a convert because I can always offer that other perspective to her of not growing up with religion and how I turned out ok. I will let her know that it’s ok to not agree with everything that is taught in church, when the time comes.
Trust your instinct. Remember you are the parent and you get to decide your child’s level of involvement. I have never discouraged my children from attending church, in fact, the only reason I’ve attended this year is to take them because my husband works on Sundays. On the days I don’t feel like going, we don’t go and I have never received a complaint from them. I let my children attend church because I think it is a good foundation for them on their path to becoming a well-rounded person. They learn beautiful songs, they have loving teachers who only want the best for them, they see their friends, they are being taught good principles and most of all they know that they have a Heavenly Father who loves them unconditionally. Best to you and your young, growing family!
Its good to think about it. I agree with Left-Handed that young children don’t really need all that much “de-programming,” not as much as we might think. In fact, they naturally see a lot of things in the world through less-nuanced, magical, good/evil binary thinking. I spent a lot of time in the nursery, both officially as a calling and unofficially because we tended not to leave our children much (attachment parenting). The lessons are all of 5 minutes long, and even that is a stretch for their attention spans. hehe. Still, it is a good habit to get into I think — to ask our children what they learned, to let them know some of our views, and to let them know they can believe or disbelieve what people tell them at Church. I’ve had great conversations with our teenage kids about that last topic. Our kids certainly know that we are not completely orthodox. I am more “in the closet” than my wife, which is how we agreed to present things for a while when she stopped believing in the Church. She is completely open, for better or worse, but that is her personality. She couldn’t do it any other way.
Anyway, I had some great conversations with my older children (14, 15 and 17 years old). They know they don’t have to believe anything an adult tells them in Church, and that in fact they can be wrong. I’ve told them there are messy things in our Church’s history that are difficult to understand, and I understand why their mother no longer believes. But they know I still participate and believe. They see it, and I take them to Church. I didn’t go into details. I don’t feel that is my place. I want them to make up their own minds about their beliefs. I make it clear that I come to different conclusions about it all while still respecting their mother’s decision. I take them to Church and participate, so they see that. I do still believe in the Church, just very different than in my younger years.
I think our actions as parents speak a lot. We have great power to influence our children, but it is more by our example than our clever words
Never underestimate the influence you have as a parent. Your influence will always be more important than any individual teacher’s. The key, IMO, is to ask thought-provoking questions, to talk about their lessons or things they are reading or being taught and to ask the questions that will help your kids think for themselves. katielangston wrote:I’m beginning to wonder what to do
Show her how wonderful the world is. Always, always, always how wonderful it is. Wonderful atheists, wonderful catholics, wonderful Democrats (Republicans), wonderful Muslims. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Show her that everybody everywhere is creating and struggling equally.
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