Stumbling Along

Back on my mission 20 or so years ago, I found myself reading about the Pearl of Great Price. I can’t remember where. I wrote to my father mentioning the problem of the figures actually being part of a funerary text, and not Abraham on an altar. My father wrote back that while the Joseph Smith story of the provenance of the Book of Abraham seemed to be a fabrication, the doctrines revealed in Abraham are some of the most valuable in the church. I was bothered by the deception, but was able to overlook the lie because of many of the great experiences I had on my mission.

But when I read about Todd Compton’s work (in sacred loneliness) I began to search for more information about the Nauvoo period. I read the one issue of the Nauvoo Expositor, and discovered that the allegations the Law brothers made were pretty much true. The Expositor was not full of lies. I read about the Kirtland period and the Fanny Alger (filthy nasty) affair. I wondered why Joseph and Oliver were tarred and feathered, and I found some answers. I also read up on Joseph’s activities involving treasure digging. There’s more. There’s all the outrageous things Brigham Young said. Blacks in the priesthood, women holding the priesthood, and then not. Mountain Meadows. The Kinderhook plates….

A few years ago I was an elders quorum president, when during a PPI with my high councilman, I expressed some of my concerns about Joseph Smith, polygamy, polyandry, and lying about the practice. He stopped me, and with a stern voice he told me, “I know that Joseph Smith never committed any serious sins.” I thought, how can you know a lack of something? I said to him aren’t we searching for truth, no matter where we find it or how it looks? The conversation ended. He never spoke to me about it again, and I was released soon thereafter, but I believe it was not related to our conversation. My three years were up.

I am now just cruising along in the ward. My wife knows of my concerns. She shares some of them. My faith has become much more complicated than before, but I feel freer than I ever have. I rely on my own reason. I take a deist approach to belief at times. But reason rules the day. I question the church’s official version of everything. I do not trust any official declarations of doctrine or history until I have verified it from a reliable independent source.

But I still attend. I teach lessons in my current calling, but have stopped commenting in gospel doctrine. I wonder when we can get to the meat. The milk no longer satisfies me.