edit Daniel?

OK, yeah, I read it. Here’s what I would recommend. Hide/deactivate/moderate or whatever, and revise to an edited version that can be posted. Make sure Daniel’s okay with the edits (I’d kind of rather one of you fine gentlemen did the PM to him rather than me). Then re-post.

Just to be nice, I’ve made suggested edits here. I tried to be gentle:

And thus it begins…

I was born a member of the church into a loving active family. My father was not an active member until marrying my mother and they were sealed in the temple 5 years later. I’ve always been a good kid… got good grades, played by the rules, avoided trouble, stayed clean morally and temporally (except for a brief experiment with marijuana). I pretty much always attended church but I can truly say that I never really enjoyed it and never took it very seriously. I didn’t get my eagle because I thought it was stupid to have to prove you’re a good kid by getting your eagle. I rarely went to seminary and never actually submitted work, despite this I still graduated somehow. As time passed and I came closer to being 19, my friends started going on missions and I always just thought I would go as well. I never had a great desire to go on a mission… I thought it was silly to walk around some foreign land for two years with a book of mormon in hand (which I didn’t really ever read because it bored me).

Eventually, I decided to go on a mission… but didn’t hand in my papers until almost a year later… procrastination. I think the main reason I went was because I was afraid of not going. I think that’s why I got straight A’s in highschool as well, because I was afraid of not getting them and missing out on some “unforeseen opportunity”. Anyway, so off I went… the MTC was a huge shock! I felt like a foreigner… I’ve never been a real spiritual person but in the MTC I felt like I was either crazy or everyone around me was crazy. Somehow I survived 2 months in there without walking out the door. The first few months of my mission were really hard as well, very trying spiritually… but I learned to not fight it and just go along… eventually it turned out to be a great experience. I found my nitch, ran with it, and had an excellent time.

Since being home from my mission I felt very misplaced when it came to church. I would usually go to the singles ward alone and couldn’t stand much more than sacrament meeting. Probably a lot of the reason was my social anxiety. There were spurts where I wouldn’t go to church at all for 6-months, sometimes a year. During this time I was dating quite a lot and despite my best efforts I kept failing morally. Nothing major, but everytime it would happen I would feel like a failure and get really down on myself. I would go to bishops and would get the same thing… “Read this article and come back and tell me what it means to have Godly Sorrow” I was even once given a book written for men who couldn’t stop cheating on their wives while on business trips..?

So after being after many failed attempts and being disappointed by Bishops I stopped going. I also decided that the guilt I was putting myself through was not healthy and that I wouldn’t try to be immoral but I wouldn’t beat myself up about it either. This attitude continued with me throughout my late twenties, all the while remaining a “virgin” and still considering myself to be “mormon” and still holding on to having that ideal “mormon life”.

Well as I approached my late twenties I started to feel the effects of my body’s testosterone lowering and it FREAKED ME OUT. I had never experienced such a decrease in my sex drive. I think this played a role in my decision to finally have sex. I was surprised at how uneventful it was and at how I really didn’t feel bad about it. I mean I do not nor have I ever condoned casual sex but I must say that my whole view of sex changed.

Well after that I continued dating other people (always lds girls because there was usually a large disconnect between non-members and myself). I had numerous chances to have sex again but did not because I felt like I still had morals and that using someone was inherently wrong. Then one day I took out this girl I had seen at church. The day we went out I knew that this was the girl that I had been waiting for and that I wanted to be with her. From previous experience I had learned that you rarely get a chance to go out with a certain type of girl because they were usually in a relationship and if you did get the chance then you had to really make an impression and get in there while there’s time. Well luckily she had broken up with her boyfriend a month ago and I had my chance. From day one we pretty much started hanging out everyday. By the fourth date… we had sex. We both felt horrible and confused and sad but I felt something for this girl I had never felt before. We both agreed that we would still see each other but that we wouldn’t do that again and would eventually go to the bishop. That resolve didn’t last.

At this point I really felt like it was either do or die, either we had to get married or that being sexually active with one another would eventually tear us apart. While I wasn’t really feeling guilty about it… I knew that she was and well I guess that made me feel guilty. So I asked her to marry me and she said yes. At this point my testimony of the church was at an all time low. I had nothing against the church I just didn’t feel much of anything toward it and didn’t feel like it edified my life. All I knew was that I loved her and that I wanted to be with her. So when it came down to deciding where we were going to get married I told her that I would get married anywhere and anyway that she wanted. Well this eventually meant… The Temple. I think a lot of her decision was based on social pressure. Her mom was a devout and fanatic Mormon and she was raised that any marriage outside the temple was not a real marriage. So one thing led to another and another and another and we got married in the temple.

I look back and wonder why I did it and the only thing I can come up with is that I no longer had a testimony of the church… I felt like it was at times spiritually edifying but that it wasn’t necessarily the only true church. While I lied to get a recommend I didn’t feel like I was mocking God because I still felt the spirit. The spirit before and during the actual sealing was strong. Some may view this as justifying my actions… but I don’t really feel like I’m justifying it I’m just saying that I don’t feel that it was inherently wrong. Since then I’ve felt even further away from the church because after experiencing all that and feeling fine about it I have started to see the church in a differently light. I view it as one of many possibly paths to God. It’s a scary place to be in… it’s uncomfortable and my future is uncertain.

I identify with being mormon and the culture is entrenched within me but I have made decisions and have ideas that are far outside of mainstream mormonism. I have found many of the resources on this site helpful in my journey. I hope to gain inspiration and insight from being a member of this board. I just ask that instead of judging me you first try to understand me. As of right now, this is really my only outlet.

Thanks,

Dan Lawson

PM sent to Daniel explaining the actions taken:

Hi Daniel,

Welcome to the StayLDS forums. I edited your introduction to remove your full real name. This message board is completely open to the entire internet to read. You only have to register to post. Anyone and everyone can read it. Please be careful with your identity.

The second issue was too many sexually explicit details. Please take some time to review the forum section labeled “Rules and Policies [Review this First].” Under the short list of “don’ts” in the “Rules and Etiquette” document is a request for “No explicit sexual discussions please.”

I think you were being open and honest about your situation. It is fine to discuss difficult and challenging topics. That is what we are here for. The topic of sex and morality is fine, including questioning the Church’s stance on those topics. Please refrain from describing specific sex acts or painting too “real” a picture. We want everyone to be comfortable reading your posts. We have a wide and diverse audience.

Thanks! Welcome to our community. Please feel free to contact me, or any other moderator, if you have any questions or concerns with the edits we made to your introduction, or if you have general questions about etiquette and content of posts.

-Valoel, Administrator

This looks great. I agree he wasn’t trying to offend, just be open and honest.

His response was a short, normal apology. I think the problem is resolved. We’ll keep an eye on him. It seems like he just needed some coaching.