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I really am having second thoughts about having my daughter go up in front of the ward and being officially welcomed just because she turns 12. She has been visiting YW for over 6 months, with permission from our SP. I and she do not want the attention of her age or the fact that she was an exception made known in front of the whole ward. She feels obligated to keep her word to the bishop, that she made during her birthday interview. but doesn’t want so much attention and things it partly what that the church does. She must see that is kind of silly stuff that they do and that most don’t really appreciate it or do they? Has anyone ever asked their youth what they thought of this little ritual they do in SM when they turn twelve? I think I might need to call the bishop and just ask him, to say something like we never formally welcomed her into YW/Mutual and we want to do it now at the time of her birthday, he doesn’t need to mention her age. I would be OK with that as there is no mention of her age or the graduating from Primary, as she doesn’t want that as she long since left that mentality over a year ago. I personally thinks it brings back memories of an extremely painful time in our lives when I had to fight the church for her to be included and subsequent abuse we dealt with, something we don’t want to remember and what they traditionally do draws attention to her being an exception in the first place. I know that going against the flow is not easy, but I think I have right as a parent to delineate how it is done, due to the circumstances. Can someone give my some input or thoughts on the subject?
I am not quite clear about the details of what is about to happen. You mentioned having to fight for your daughter to be treated a certain way because she is an “exception.” Does she have a disability or some other type of issue? Did she start attending YW early? You mentioned 6 months with permission from the SP, but it sounds like she is turning 12 now. So it sounds like she is being treated normally, and being welcomed into YW and acknowledged as graduating from primary. That all sounds pretty typical. So that is where I am confused a little bit. Sorry. If she isn’t comfortable getting up in front of people, I understand that. It would have to be your call as to wanting to buck the system or not. I don’t think it would be a big deal either way. It’s just an annoucement, and a way to highlight in a small way the “coming of age” of someone in the congregation.
I am not clear exactly on what is the problem. Can you give more information?
I don’t know if I should say never mind as it does seem silly to most everyone else, I am sure. I will explain instead. My daughter was advanced a grade sometime ago and also went through puberty early, so we asked for her to move up just over a year ago, it was the beginning of a huge journey of grief and loss with the church, because I would not settle for the pat answer and stood up for my daughter and her needs and that of her friends who she was fellowshipping at the time, they were 12 and 13, but she was only 11 and we were told she was not welcome to even visit YW that her friends could come but not her. I was then a target for PH authority or spiritual abuse both before this comment and after, they all were completely unacceptable in my mind. It was very difficult as I never thought a bishop would do that. We tried to keep it from her, but her and her friends picked up on it that day. My daughter later saw me cry over what was ever was said. We eventually told her what was going on and some of what was being said and have been able to be open ever since about how the church doesn’t always work for everyone or how some people to find other places to worship to help their faith survive. So for me, this a reminder of it all and that we are now outsiders, which for the most part I am fine with. I perhaps have irrational fears, of my daughter being ultimately rejected in the LDS community or my family being judged as sought to worship elsewhere and we unknowingly became apostate in the LDS church, so when I learned this, it has since weighed heavily on my heart. We are now in a new ward, and everyone is really loving and kind, but the fear of ever being rejected or being thought of in the future as a sinner or an apostate does at times worry me, even though intellectually, I know I am not. Ok that is enough risking or sharing of myself. Please be gentle and kind as you respond, I posted here as I need that, I need some reassurance for some reason. I am going to be gentle and kind, but I also am going to be honest. I understand your concern about your daughter being able to attend with her friends who came to church with her, but I easily can see a leader worrying about setting a precedent for other parents to demand that their child be allowed to attend a different class than the one for their age group – for any number of reasons. Having said that, it appears to have been worked out properly, so that doesn’t appear to be an issue anymore.
As far as the recognition, it’s done for everyone in most wards. I’m not sure how it’s singling her out in any way. However, I do agree that it might be awkward for her if she has been attending Young Women for six months. So, my question would be:
Has she been attending Primary for the second hour and then YW for the third hour – like is typical for those who turn 12 during the year? If so, my own inclination if it were my daughter would be to ask the Bishop to recognize her graduation from Primary but not “welcome her into the Young Women’s group” – since she has been attending for months already. That seems like a fair compromise, especially since she has graduated from Primary and would be treated exactly like all the other girls who turn 12. I hope my Bishop would understand and agree.
PLEASE, don’t take what I am about to say as a criticism or condemnation of ANY kind. It is not meant to be, and I will have failed miserably if that is the message you take away from this comment.I read into your words someone who anticipates conflicts that might or might not occur. That, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s exactly how I operate. I try to envision all the various possibilities in order to be prepared no matter what happens. The problems arises if you “confront” people in a “protective mode” about what might happen – or what their motivation might be – or what the consequences might be – ad infinitum. It sounds to me like you might be creating issues that otherwise might not exist due to some kind of hypersensitivity. That sensitivity might be totally justified as a defense mechanism, but it needs to be recognized as what it is.
All I am saying is that I think you need to step back a bit, remove the emotional, protective glasses for a moment and look at this from the Bishop’s perspective. He’s probably been pounded and hounded to give public recognition to the girls who enter YW just like the boys get public recognition when they receive the Aaronic Priesthood. He probably is doing this as a show of support for your daughter, with totally caring and pure motives. Overall, it usually is a good thing for those who are recognized. I agree TOTALLY that, as her mother, you have the right and responsibility to provide input into how this is handled – and I understand completely your general concern. I’m just suggesting you ask your daughter, with no implied right answer from you, what she wants done – if she is willing to have her Primary graduation recognized without being welcomed into YW, if she wants to be welcomed officially into YW, if she doesn’t want to be recognized at all, if she doesn’t care either way, etc. Then accept her wishes without trying to change her mind and take her desire to the Bishop, explaining that, due to the complexity of the situation, you asked her what she wanted done.
I hope it works out well for you.
Thank you, my daughter and I both respect the bishop, he has a good heart and you are right, I am partly reading into things that may never happen in the congregation. It is somewhat of both a real fear and an irrational fear that I needed to face and process out, nevertheless. She does NOT want him to mention Primary, so your suggestion to honor that part was kind of funny. She has not went to anything related to Primary for over a year. She doesn’t mind him acknowledging her birthday or welcoming her officially into YW though as she will no longer be considered a visitor and can go to the temple and such, but she said why do they need to make an issue of age in the first place. I don’t want people to gossip about her or us and why she was coming before in the general congregation as it might clue in the entire ward about her situation. She has told most of her friends over the last few months, and at first, it was like what? So she told me she prefers no mention of her age, but also thinks she can handle it if he says it out loud as she deals with being the youngest at school, finding another friend who was advanced helped. They nearly all thought she was almost 13, including her leaders…. they didn’t know her actual age until recently when the records were transferred. BTW, I do respect the need for a general order of things, only rarely is this issue of grade advancement ever needed to be addressed as very few kids are in that situation. I think our SP said it does happen, but not very often. And he said there was no excuse for the abuse, that it was wrong how I was treated.I may have be or have been oversensitive, but that still didn’t make that bishop’s words and actions right. There is one girl in our current ward in now in the same situation as my daughter was last year, right now. Her mom is a YW leader and does plan to allow her to join or visit with them at times this summer, I am assuming with permission from the bishop or SP since that is the way it is done in the church, nothing without permission. I am just being honest here. Her daughter still goes willingly to Primary and has friends in her Primary class, my daughter no longer wanted to go as she had no one to associate with of her developmental age, so felt like she needed to act younger to fit in and didn’t like that. I never pushed for her to have every opportunity that the others did at age 12, only be allowed to visit Mutual with her friends that she was sharing the gospel with as she or they didn’t want to attend activity days. She tried taking them there and at 12 and 13 they didn’t fit in nor did my daughter anymore, even is if she knew some of the girls, most were 8-9 and a few were 10 at the time and two grades lower due to her advancement. Her friends wanted a group experience to come to meet other youth, but they wanted to be
withmy daughter and at appropriate activities for 6th- 8th graders or Middle School/Junior High, so did she. I just need to talk with the bishop ahead of time, he is a cool bishop and I am sure he will understand where we are coming from and may already be thinking how to do this where it doesn’t put us or her on the spot. I get a lot of love from others in the ward, even a few hugs from a few people in RS today as I went to a cooking class. Not so sure why they are so nice, actually. It really seems like genuine caring. And I don’t think for one minute that those who truly care about me and our family will ever judge me for having joined another church during our crisis or at least I don’t want to think about them ever doing so. Most all know that we attend there as our main service as a family, anyway, including her YW leaders.
I am looking forward to attending the temple with my daughter to watch her do baptism for our ancestors, next week. They also do a dinner afterwards back at the church, which I think is a nice thing to as they are probably famished by then as they leave at 4 pm.
Stop and think about how much time and energy you have now expended worrying about this. Is it really a state secret that she is advanced for her age and just turned 12? You might be making a much bigger deal out of this than your daughter perceives for herself. I’m just thowing that out there. It’s hard to tell. I could be wrong. I guess I need some male perspective on this as my hubby is out of town, I have spoke to him about it and he did not have any concerns, don’t know why I wasted my time over it, even if it was only for minutes at at time that the thoughts concerned me. No her advancement is not a state secret, 😆 😆 that made me laugh and most everyone who knows she isnowturning 12, even if they just found out! I will call or speak to the bishop about nixing the mentioning of graduating from Primary at her request and let him do his duty of acknowledging her coming of age in the church as she said she doesn’t care either way, if it is done; she just didn’t want him to mention the graduation from Primary. See I questioned it might have been more of a silly concern, it is more the other concern that started bred the fear. I just need to face that one head on and perhaps just tell the bishop or the SP that one and ease my mind’s back burner as I doubt they would make me choose one over the other. Thanks for the feedback!
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