Lying All the Time (OR: Why I’d Be the Worst CIA Agent Ever)

Katie, it’s really late here, but quickly:

1) I don’t believe in lying about things like this, but I also don’t believe in dumping things on people who might not be able to handle it. I wish I could give you a simple answer, but I can’t. It’s all about finding the right places and times to share your feelings and concerns – and, unfortunately, the overall church membership collectively generally isn’t the proper place and Sunday meetings generally aren’t the proper time for it.

2) Keep talking here, but look for someone with whom you can talk in person. There probably is someone who shares your general concerns but also wants to stay and believe, but it probably will take patience and care to find her.

Thanks, all, for your words of encouragement.

HiJolly, I read your introduction. Really interesting journey! I hope God will lead me into the kind of peace you’ve encountered. I trust he will in his own due time.

Ray, you’re right: church and church meetings probably aren’t the most appropriate times and places to discuss my doubts and concerns. Most people would naturally feel threatened and uncomfortable. That’s not at all a charitable thing to do to folks. I’ve actually started praying that God will point me in the direction of one or two people I can open up to a little about this. I know it’s primarily my own journey, and a personal one, but having someone to bounce ideas off of and confide in would be a great relief for someone with my naturally social personality. I’ll keep my eyes open.

As you noticed, it isn’t really something you can talk about in public, not without damaging others around you.

Valoel, this is something I try to keep in mind above all others. When I get angry or frustrated, it’s very tempting to open my mouth and start talking about things that bother me, ask difficult questions, or bring up historical problems that many are unaware of. But I’d be doing it out of pride and anger, and that would be displeasing to God and ultimately counterproductive. Above all else, I’m trying to keep a charitable outlook. No matter what I end up deciding about the church in the long run, it would be wrong to deny the good that has come from my association with it, and that the people within it are sincere and loving. They don’t deserve vitriol.

Hi Katie, I can certainly feel for you. I remember my equivalent situation that I went through, it is definitely a stressful time – and I know exactly what it feels like when you don’t know who to turn to. I was so afraid of how people would react, I was frustrated that the whole situation seemed so unfair, – it was like the world around me had on blinders and earplugs.

It is an individual journey on many levels, we each need to find our own unique way; but hearing the experiences of others can help us find our path. For me I had to find an outlet for everything that was in my mind and heart. I started to write things down, and try to make sense of what I could. I had one good friend who would read what I wrote, and comment (which wasn’t very helpful in the beginning – he was mostly defensive of traditional views) but in the end it helped me to work through my grief. I had to “air-out”, and eventually came to understand that there are people who understand more than I initially had thought. (If you lived near Ray for example I bet you’d never guess what’s going on in his head.)

I love many things Richard Bushman says, his compassion for those who struggle was also a big help. Several months after I basically resigned from all callings my bishop called me in, and he was very supportive. He said “you have done nothing wrong – we are supposed to ask questions.” All of these things helped me move from my place of separation (which I personally needed for a time) to re-integration and reconstruction. I am more of an internal personality so maybe I’m not as worried about what most people may think, my biggest concern was the impact with close family and friends (which was really hard for a while). I guess you appreciate the sun a little more after the darkest storms. I hope that with preparation we can deal with the rain in a better way, but I don’t know if we can always avoid getting rained on.

Hang in there! We’re here for you.

I’m new here and this thread prompted me to register and share some of my thoughts.

At least for me, this problem has three components:

1) I need to be able to express my views candidly and be able to hear folks who are in some way responsive.

2) Most folks, in or out of the Church, simply can’t do that. Orthodoxy doesn’t just come in the Church: it’s everywhere. For most, expressing fundamental concerns just upsets them. You can’t in good conscience say things that will upset people without a better reason than “I just needed to talk”.

3) #2 raises a really good practical reason to lie and I can’t really refute it. But I end up feeling really bad about it and being unfulfilled myself. The trouble is that I don’t really see an alternative, either inside the Church or out. If you visit a different, traditionally more inclusive church, you both lose the benefits of Mormonism and gain a new orthodoxy that isn’t any more searching than the last one.

It seems that the logical conclusion is that religion just isn’t worth the bother. However, I’ve had experiences that suggest otherwise. It’s just hard, I suppose.

I think it can only really be shared with other doubters, or people who are “safe.”

Counting my blessings, my dad is “safe”. What more can you ask for?