Repentance

Hey Lonleytraveler,

I am so sorry to hear about the rough road you traveled recently. I am glad you feel like you are getting your head clear. You seem to be thinking actively about your direction, and about healing. Hang in there! It sounds like you have people there who care and are working with you, like your Bishop. This is just my opinion from observations, but I don’t know if those ecclesiastical authorities are the right people to share your doubts with. It *REALLY* strongly depends on the person, and not their calling or position. They might be. You are the best judge of that, since you know them better. I don’t know if I would recommend mixing your traditional Church repentence process with your exploration of resolving doubts at the same time. I say work on one thing at a time. Getting through the outward Church process sounds like the first thing to resolve. Can you have hope or wish some of these things are true? You can go on that. You could also just leave it all on the shelf for a little while longer and address it when you get the first part done.

I get the impression that going through the repentence process at Church will be cleansing and helpful to you, regardless of your belief in absolute Truth or priesthood authority. You’ve done some serious things that you regret. It has caused real world problems for you. Look at the repentence process as a ritual of cleansing perhaps. Of course you still have to find ways to forgive yourself. I know I am my own worst judge. Going through the Church also has a practical benefit. Your wife may be more willing to work with you, and come to a place of forgiveness and compassion, if she is a more orthodox LDS member. It might give her more faith in your changes if she sees the outward manifestations. I don’t mean this in a cynical, manipulative way. I hope you really are seeking change and resolution. I feel that from you. It sounds like you would like to try and bring your family back together. That is good, especially if you are getting help for your problems.

Back to your doubts. It’s ok. You are not alone. It is ok to have hope in things being true, or to see them in different ways. It’s ok to take what you find is good, to value and enjoy it, and to leave other things behind. We’re here to talk about that with each other. This is a safe place to tell your story, listen to what others have found, and find a new path of faith (whatever that may be) within the LDS Church.

I want to have faith that if I approach the repentance process with honesty I can be healed from my guilt.

Faith (or hope) is an amazingly low bar. “Knowledge” and “true” are often unrealistic ones.

lonelytraveler, Thank you for your kind words. Based on the two quotes above, you might want to read the following three posts, as well:

“Embracing Grace” (http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2007/11/embracing-grace.html)

“Cast Thy Burden Upon the Lord” (http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2008/10/cast-thy-burden-at-his-feet.html)

“Faith, Doubt and Enduring Uncertainty” (http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2009/04/faith-doubt-and-enduring-uncertainty.html)

Lonelytraveler.

Welcome, friend. I struggle with depression and have had many struggles as you have had. I cannot say that I have had many of the experiences that you have had, but I can say that depression has made it impossible at times to find any positive feeling at all, whether spiritual or emotional.

I will say more later, but for now welcome and thank you for sharing your story. Your story is real, your feelings are real, and the love of Christ is real. He loves you and he loves me, even if we can’t feel it all the time.

lonely traveler – welcome to the site. Thanks for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you. I know that medication for illness can radically change one’s perspective. I’m glad you are getting the treatment you need. I agree with Valoel’s advice to keep your process with ecclesiastical leaders separate from your doubts.

But because I know in my heart I do not believe in some of the fundamental doctrines of the Church – serious ones such as it being the one true Church, its teachings of the Savior (I do not believe in the traditional Atonement) and its emphasis on Priesthood Authority (the God franchise)

I will just say (somewhat in jest), if you don’t like the doctrines, just stick around – they often change! After all, “doctrines” are the teachings that are being emphasized and how they are being interpreted currently. I sometimes wonder if we are born at a specific time because we couldn’t have dealt with the “doctrines” of another time. For example, consider the first one you listed above:

“one true church” – this could mean we are the only ones with truth (others are deceived), we have all the truth (which is obviously not correct), or we have the most truth (mixed with some error – this is obviously too subjective to judge), we have the smallest errors or the biggest truths (try to measure those across religions), or we encompass the correct beliefs of all the churches and that exist outside churches (we add truth and subtract error on an ongoing basis – e.g. we have no fixed canon), or we have access to all truth through the holy ghost and belief in personal ongoing revelation (yet we may misunderstand truth through our human error – and this doesn’t preclude others from having inspiration). You can find different quotes from church leaders with different definitions of this one.

I wanted to give everyone an update.

Unfortunately, the medications my psychiatrist had prescribed backfired and sent me into a manic state. Because of this, he is 99.9% sure I am bipolar and I have started taking Lithium.

I went to see the Stake President last week and I could not ask for more compassion. He told me he wanted me to quit worrying about Church and focus on my mental health. He said the Church will continue to be here to help, but he doesn’t want me worrying about my worthiness until I am stabilized. I thought this was a very charitable approach from this priesthood leader. He even shared a personal story of a friend that had struggled with mental illness, and confirmed that you can overcome it.

I thought it would be good to post a positive note on a priesthood leader approaching mental illness with compassion and love.

Thank you, Lonelytraveler, for updating, sharing, and inspiring.

Lonelytraveler, I’m sorry to hear about your struggle. I had a brother-in-law with bipolar and it was very difficult for him. Sometimes others around you cannot understand what is going on. I hope you can find something that will work for you.