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Hello to all. Well, I’ve taken time to read posts and couldn’t help but reply to some. So I guess it is only appropriate to formally introduce myself. I was raised by “goodly parents” (uh oh, I already am giving away my embedded Mormon culture as I immediately go into testimony-language) – honestly, I’m close to and love my parents and all my siblings who are strong in the faith. I have served a mission and multiple ward and stake leadership callings throughout my life. My family heritage goes back to Martin Handcart pioneers, who sacrificed everything for their faith.
I’ve tried hard to always prioritize my life so that my wife and family come first, God and the Church second, and my career third. It has served me well for years and I’m so proud of my 2 teenage girls who have more faith and strength than I do, and my 2 elementary age sons who have more honesty than I do. For the most part, I was comfortable building our family founded on the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Then my home life was turned upside down in an instant with a crisis too personal to go into details. Suffice it to say, if my family was my first priority in life, and it was almost suddenly in jeopardy of being ripped apart and still could be someday of which I have no control over, my whole world changed in an instant. At first I was in denial…this can’t be happening to me after 17 years of building a family on solid ground. Then I realized it was happening, and maybe things weren’t so solid after all. Then I started doubting… how much of what I thought was solid was really a false sense of security.
Ok, so life throws curve balls to wake us up. Time for me to grow up and move into a new phase in life.
My struggle is that no prayer, no scripture, no blessing, no church service … nothing seems to bring peace and confidence back to me. Truth is, now I am conflicted. The Mormon church is all I’ve ever known. But honestly, I don’t want to go on Sunday. I don’t want to pray to a God that doesn’t answer my prayers. I’d rather spend my time with my kids and cherish that time than spend half a day with a bunch of other families and their kids and their demands on me for this or that. Church bores me, lessons don’t touch on anything that uplifts me, and half the meetings are all about announcements anyway and I watch the minute hand on my watch go backwards and wonder why I go.
I know if my kids weren’t anxious to go every Sunday to see their friends, I wouldn’t be going to church any more. Those thoughts rack me with guilt for being weak, I should be able to face adversity with faith and the patience of Job. My dad always taught me to look at it and ask, “What does the Lord want me to learn from this?” All I can think of is that I’m learning I can’t find my answers at church, and I really don’t want to go any more, nor do I really want to pray fruitlessly.
Maybe I now fit into the camp of those who are exhausted, and just need a break.
But my soul is still yearning to be close to the Spirit that used to enrich my life. But my head is curious about reconciling truth from prior unquestioned belief.
And so I’ve started a new journey to open my mind to all sources (Mormon and non-mormon — even anti-mormon) to investigate truth and see where I can find peace again and find some happiness so I can be a good husband and father.
I hope to learn from others and seek to humble myself in seeing things in a new light, and hopefully help me so I don’t feel so conflicted all the time.
Cheers.
I am glad you are here! Being tossed out of our comfort zones and forced from the “rut” of daily living, can be excruciatingly painful in the beginning but in my experience, has always led to greater knowledge, wisdom, and eventually compassion and empathy. There is nothing wrong with questioning and exploring and rebuilding your beliefs. I have compared my current struggle with an exercise program….we tear down our muscles in order to rebuild… I think we can do the same things with our knowledge of the gospel and with our testimonies. There is a great book called Transitions by William Bridges which has been very helpful to me.
It has also been helpful for me to remember that as uncomfortable as it is, the best solution involves working THROUGH the issues in front of me. It has also helped me remember that life is not black and white, it is messy and gray. If I try to solve my issues by either running to a black or white solution (in this case….escaping to the “bubble” of forcing myself to appear as a “perfect” mormon or dumping everything and simply walking away), it doesn’t really solve the underlying issue.
My hope for you is that you will feel the love of the Lord in your life as you take this next big step in your growth and development.
Hang in there!
Promom
Heber13 wrote:I was raised by “goodly parents” (uh oh, I already am giving away my embedded Mormon culture as I immediately go into testimony-language) – honestly, I’m close to and love my parents and all my siblings who are strong in the faith.
There is nothing wrong with that. I hope you feel safe here expressing the tender and grateful feelings of your heart in the most reverent language you can muster. Embedded Mormon culture may be a bad thing from a certain perspective, but it is also a good thing. Here we are working together and encouraging each other on ways to make it positive.
Heber13 wrote:it was almost suddenly in jeopardy of being ripped apart and still could be someday of which I have no control over, my whole world changed in an instant.
I feel very tender reading about this. Yes, this is the beginning of some real, painful growth, isn’t it?
Heber13 wrote:My dad always taught me to look at it and ask, “What does the Lord want me to learn from this?”
What a wonderful foundation!
Heber13 wrote:Maybe I now fit into the camp of those who are exhausted, and just need a break.
Perhaps. It may be too early to tell.
Heber13 wrote:…so I’ve started a new journey to open my mind to all sources (Mormon and non-mormon — even anti-mormon) to investigate truth and see where I can find peace again and find some happiness so I can be a good husband and father.
It may be a long process that could take years. I suggest you go slow and stay mindful of the tenderness of your soul and the
danger of anger and bitterness. Speak slowly. Make decisions slowly. Ponder slowly. You are letting your entire reality change. The entire world (as seen by you) is changing. Keep the faith, don’t give up, honor prior interpersonal commitments, and follow that advice of your dad. Welcome to you, Heber. I agree with what Tom said. You do not need to feel bad about testimony-bearing here. If you feel it, it’s OK. I too find church exhausting, although my faith isn’t nearly as strong as yours is and was. It’s like I go over there and start hearing something irritating and it’s just tiring. It feels like I’ve eaten a heavy meal but I’m still hungry.
Make sure you avoid unnecessary anger and be honest with yourself about what is there. If you are angry, that’s OK: you’re going to have to deal with that in one way or another. If you’re mad at God, you should tell him. If you’re mad at people at church, then see if you can forgive them and avoid the circumstances that cause that anger. I really appreciate your story. I think it’s courageous and kind of you to share. Thank you.
Thanks for the warm welcome from everyone. It feels good to open up. I hope you will find my posts are sincere, they are what I’m thinking and feeling at the time, even if I seem inconsistent where I question basic beliefs (does God hear my prayer?) yet seem to have opinions on other topics that seem to suggest I have lots of strong opinions on the truthfulness of the church, I just want the group to know I am being sincere and have no particular agenda.
That is just where I’m at in my life right now. Deep down inside, I sense I know all that I’ve learned in my life is not false, yet I do feel now a separation from divine guidance and a void unfulfilled in church services. That is why I will likely use “conflicted” a lot – it is just how I feel.
Thanks for the reminders to not give in to anger or hostilities. It is not my nature, but I must be careful to not let that creep into my nature. I’m more the person who turns it internally and feels bad I must be doing something wrong, than be angry with others. That is why it is hard for me to pray right now and tell God I’m angry…how can I be angry to my God who has given me everything and I know is perfect. If there is a problem…it must be on my end.
Gabe, thanks for the advice on honesty. I sometimes struggle with how I honestly feel and how I think I should feel as a saint. While church has felt like a waste of my time lately, I haven’t decided if that is because I’m getting more protective and selfish of my time with my family as a result of my trials recently, or if I’m lazy and would rather be home watching football or if the new ward we are attending just isn’t doing it for me. I don’t know where the source of conflict lies. And so I keep going and hope to figure it out someday. I will likely not make drastic decisions to go inactive while my kids are growing up, but it bothers me to be having these questions and I better address them now rather than let them fester for years. I don’t know…that’s part of my journey…to find out if I’m happier continuing to go to church or if I should give myself a break and take care of me and my family and not worry so much about what I should do.
(man…I’ve got to find a way to be more concise with these posts…perhaps as I get a chance to get it out, I won’t have so much pent up to come out all in one post at a time —
Heber13 wrote:If there is a problem…it must be on my end.
Great approach. Great post. I often say, “What!?!? You want me to be consistent?” The paradoxes we will someday be comfortable with will make us often seem inconsistent.
Welcome to the community Heber13. I enjoyed the sense of honesty with yourself, and the sense of humility in your introduction. You aren’t doing anything wrong. What you are going through is a natural and normal process, it just isn’t what everyone else goes through. We may be a minority. I don’t know. But I retain hope in the fact that God knows what you are going through.
It’s time for you to be alone, for your Father in Heaven to let you walk on your own for a while. It’s time for you to sort out what you REALLY believe from what doesn’t “do it” for you anymore. The good news, is that you will start to truly own your beliefs. That is powerful and strong.
Everyone else gave such good advice already. Welcome. Glad to have you here. Feel free to talk about what you are going through, and to give your insight to others. We all benefit from sharing our stories with each other. I know I get a lot from what others say here.
Hi. I don’t know if I will be of help at all but I find Church very tedious at times. It can be boring and make me very angry as well. However, I love sitting next to my Husband, I love holding his hand while we take sacrament, I find peace in taking the sacrament .. I like not having to talk to my husband for three whole hours j/k. The three hour block is difficult at times to really “get into”-especially when the same things are taught over and over ( also watered down ). Would it help if you became more involved .. Got involved in discussions. Maybe even started teaching-If an opportunity were to come up. I’m just throwing out some stuff – Just so you know I am one to talk. I have never bore testimony, turned down two talks and hardly say prayers-All b/c I am the most shy person-you will never notice! I think knowing you are not alone gives hope-and realizing that maybe just maybe the things you are feeling are honest and natural. I hope you find support here-I wish you the best. LaLaLove wrote:Would it help if you became more involved .. Got involved in discussions.
Thanks for responding and offering up ideas. Actually, I am usually pretty involved. I know it is true that what you put into church is what you get out of it, and I certainly don’t expect to go and be entertained or be fed by others without my effort to open my mind and heart to seek the Spirit.
I have been in many callings (bishoprics, high council, etc) where standing and talking and bearing testimony in front of others has been the norm. I’m comfortable with that
I believe church should focus more on Christ and his teachings, and most of church nowadays is personal experiences and opinions, no real meat to the discussions. I don’t want it to be controversial in nature, just more meaningful. Something that I can apply to my daily life and that moves me.
I have found some internet sites more interesting for this reason and I have enjoyed reading what others think and cause me to think deeply about what I believe.
Honestly, I think there needs to be more Christ-centered lessons and discussions.
Herber13, I agree completely! I’ve been thinking lately that certain things will need change or The Church may not survive ( here on Earth anyway ). However, the changes I have noticed in the past four years appear to be going in a different direction than I believe what might be needed. New generations will need something more-different curriculums-different teaching methods-more honesty. I understand the milk before meat .. but is it really honest to deliberately leave many things of of complex doctrines/beliefs..I believe more and more people in the future will be bothered by this with the rapid increase in technology..Internet, Science etc. I really only see two options: The Church being much more open about history, having greater emphasis on Christ-less on Authority/JS (just examples not that it is all we talk about!) or Becoming very dogmatic and even more focused on idk current ways of leadership. I hope for the first! More emphasis on Christ would be a wonderful start though! @Heber13 After reading your introduction I would strongly recommend
The Power of Mythby Joseph Campbell. It is brilliant. It is really a set of interviews transcribed into book form. I watched the DVDs but plan to buy the book at some point. I recommend getting the DVDs and watching the interviews. Of course his words are like The Book of Mormon, you really need to read them about 50 times to get it. Just thought I’d throw in the that suggestion. jmb275, thanks for recommending that book. Can you tell me a little more about what the interviews are geared at and what the purpose of the book is.
Fact is, right now in my doubting stage where I feel my trial is to be left alone a little and study things out in my mind on my path to growth, I’m reading a lot of things and I have to be selective of my time and my material. I’m a bit impressionable right now, so I don’t want to spend time on anti- religion stuff, but am looking for any material that is uplifting and inspiring (religous or secular) to me so I can continue to strive for being a good husband and father, despite my current trials of faith. I’m trying to avoid negative material.
Maybe you can share a little of why you thought the DVD was good for you and how it helped (if you don’t mind sharing)?
I appreciate your thoughts.
Heber13 – I’m also a big fan of Power of Mythby Joseph Campbell & Bill Moyer, although I’m not sure it’s the best book for you right now based on your statements below. Some people consider it anti-religion becase it deconstructs the mythology associated with religion, making it more meaningful and humanistic, but in so doing, it calls into question the validity of some literalist religious assertions. Depending on where you are coming from, it could be just the ticket or it might be difficult. Some others you might want to consider that are also good:
Jesus Before Christianity(Albert Nolan). This is written by a non-LDS author, but it included a lot of insights about the world Jesus lived in. Because it’s not “of our faith” I found it insightful and fresh. If you are interested in being more Christ-centric, this is a great read. David O. McKay and the Rise of Modern Mormonism. If you want to find out more about the inner workings, warts and all, within the church hierarchy, this is a great read. It helps to develop a more realistic perspective of the humanity of our leadership, personality clashes, and how the church changes over time. I consider it ultimately faith-promoting, but not without some disappointments on the way. The Four Agreements(Don Miguel Ruiz). This is a new age metaphor for life that helps to let go of anger and resentment and take a more positive, affirmative view in your life. It’s an easy fast read, and full of insights around four basic internal agreements you make with yourself about how you will deal with your life. One bit of advice that is given in the Power of Myth is to study the myths of other religions because you don’t take them literally. When they are in your own religion, you take them as “facts,” which renders them less useful and meaningful. So, I would also advocate reading the literature of other faiths as a way to determine your own beliefs. Often it’s just saying, “Oh, I don’t agree with that,” but it does help you identify your own views.
Yes, Power of Myth does tend to deconstruct religions a bit, but actually I found it to do the opposite as well. I remember specifically in one place in the interviews where Joseph Campbell advocates NOT becoming like him. He advocates “if you’ve found a path, stick with it.” So I agree with hawkgrrrl, but I still think it would be good for you. So what does Power of Myth do for me? Well, it taught me that there is a much larger world than Mormonism, Christianity, and even Western thought. And, as it turns out, we all basically have the same set of myths. This actually was very faith-promoting for me. If I were in your situation, I would try to escape Mormonism for a bit. That is to say, I wouldn’t recommend reading “Rise of Modern Mormonism.” Yes, it will help you learn about the inner workings of the church, warts and all, but it will keep you in the Mormon box, focused on what you’re already focused on. Power of Myth will give you perspective, allow you to see things in a larger context.
Ultimately, the goal of Power of Myth is not to deconstruct religion, but to learn to assimilate the similarities between all religions. I view it as more of a testimony builder for all religions rather than a destroyer of religious thought. Furthermore, as I said, I would recommend getting the DVDs. This will allow you to watch it, at a cursory level, rather quickly, without devoting large amounts of time and study.
I think you’d like it. For me, it has helped keep from falling off the deep end as it were.
Re: taking a mind break from Mormonism I think there is great wisdom in that. Exposure to “that which is good among them” can do wonders. There will be time later for re-integrating and reframing your LDS-ness. For now, build your own understanding by reaching out and seeing that all these wonders have existed through all times and in all cultures. Read the Bhagavad Gita (it’s short; I love the Edwin Arnold translation; check out
chapter 16 herehttp://www.near-death.com ) . Learn something you didn’t know about yoga (http://www.yogaworld.org is great!). Learn ofPerpetua
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