a story

As I have read countless stories of people making their way to various sites like this one, I have learned many things. The first is that I am not unique in my experience. As a result I will spare you all the details and just recapitulate.

Born, raised staunch LDS even though my parents never pushed me. I had staunch LDS friends who did. Always read my scriptures, went to church, never rebelled (no not once, the worst thing I ever did was dye my hair blonde, seriously), went through temple, went on mission, married 8 months after getting home, had kids, have 3 kids now, graduated from BYU twice (BS Comp Eng, MS Elec Eng), moved to CA to work at a national lab.

Now this is where it gets interesting. Prop 8 came to the forefront. This prompted me to question “truths” I’d always known and taken for granted. I found myself shifting from politically conservative republican to libertarian. I also found myself amongst people who questioned why I believed what I did. This caused me to introspect. I then discovered church history. This is particularly sad since in my high school days I read lots of Joseph Smith biographies (patriarchal blessing told me to) and they were all hagiographic (I learned later). Everything came unravelled as I searched for explanations. I found the apologists arguments to be almost comical, and certainly predictable, and worst of all insulting to intelligent people IMHO. At this point, nearing the nihilistic abyss, I discovered Joseph Campbell and other metaphysicists. I also began to resent the church, and its leaders. This has caused me the most grief. I am trying desperately to salvage what should be a healthy view of the mistakes, and fallibilty of our leaders (even though IMO the church encourages the hagriographic view of them). Although I still go to church, and read scriptures, at this point I basically don’t believe that the church is “true.” I think it’s just as true as most other churches and belief systems worldwide. As of late I have become fascinated with psychology, religious psychology, group psychology, mythology, and world history.

My wife has embarked on this spiritual journey with me at some level and is familiar with many of the “problems” of church history that are glossed over in Sunday School. Yet she maintains that the church is good, even insists it’s true, and wants to raise our children in this environment. I am more pessimistic about it and this will be the crux of my questions in the forum.

Thank you to everyone who contributes to this site and makes it possible.