When seeking mutual understanding threatens another’s peace

I second what Ray said. It would seem that your SO is likely not at peace with his decision. One of the hardest things for human beings to come to grips with is uncertainty. We naturally have an innate desire to be certain in whatever we do. For TBMs they are certain about the truth of the church, and everything they encounter will need to be massaged to fit in the Mormon box. For many anti-mormons, they have the same attitude, only in the other direction. This can be likened to those who get to Stage 4 of Fowler’s faith stages, but then return to stage 3 in the negative.

It is absolutely crucial that we learn about the learning process in our disaffection. That is to say, the most important lesson learned (IMHO) from a disaffection, or crisis of faith, is to learn that we must be open to all the possibilities. For me, this is what separates the scientific method, from normal religious dogma. Dogmatic people (like apologists, and many anti-mormons) are the epitome of pride. They come into the discussion convinced that what they know is true, and all evidence must be dismissed, or rationalized away in order to maintain this truth. In contrast, the scientific method is humble. It seeks to understand the evidence. It must repeatedly demonstrate amongst all scrutiny that the proposed hypothesis is correct. And, most importantly, when something comes along that better explains the evidence, it allows the less accurate hypothesis to fall by the wayside, and it embraces the new one (think Newtonian vs. Einsteinian physics).

So what does all this mean? It means that your SO needs to embrace uncertainty. I have never once claimed that the church is not true. I only will claim that, given the evidence to which I am privy, it seems unlikely to me that it is God’s one and only ingenuous franchise on earth. This, for me, does not mean I need to leave it (although like you, I have days where I am ready to pull the plug as it were). If your SO does not learn this one great principle from a crisis like this, it will have all been for naught. Along these lines, I consider my disaffection to be a blessing. It has opened my eyes, increased my understanding, made me more compassionate (while still occasionally angry), loving, and has helped me feel more connected to all my other brothers and sisters on planet earth.

The fact that the BoM is not historical is irrelevant. It makes me angry that I once believed it was, and then found out it most likely isn’t. But that anger is a reflection on me, and the fact that I was duped, not a reflection on the church. This does not excuse the church, do not misunderstand. But my view to stay lds is to use the church as a tool, a learning device, a means to an end, not an end in and of itself. It’s a shift in paradigm.

When I have to cooperate with people with whom I disagree I find a few things to be helpful. First, understand psychology at a cursory level. Group psychology, and religious psychology are particularly useful. This is imperative and can give you empathy and understanding. People are largely a product of what they’ve been conditioned to believe. My mother-in-law won’t listen to a word I say, she is so convinced that she is right. Facts are ignored, and all reasoning, and rationale go out the window. It is all emotion based. Try to build on mutual understanding. Agree with your SO that the BoM is not historical (if that’s what you think. If not, admit that it might not be). Help your SO understand that you’re on his team, not against him.

I would not suggest going into a marriage where there is not mutual understanding. As Ray said, there doesn’t need to be agreement on everything (this would be bad as well from a group psychology standpoint), but there needs to be open communication, dialog, and mutual respect. This is, arguably, the most important key to a successful marriage. Most of all, for heaven’s sake, only get married for love, not for a church, a temple, the CK, or anything else.

Jmb-

The thing is, I feel like he did just what you described–started questioning an then just landed on the other side of the coin. Back at stage 3, just on the black side of “black and white.” I agree with everything you’ve said in so far as it being important to embrace uncertainty. I would add embracing ambiguity, paradox and ambivalence. The thing is, he knows how I feel and simply doesn’t agree. A life full of ambivalence does not sound appealing to him. He’s certain the church isn’t true and pretty certain there is no God (if there is a God, that god is cruel.)

He recognizes that the gospel has positive affects in others’ lives and is glad of that. He doesn’t want to antagonize the church or it’s members. He’s not anti, he’s apathetic. Or, at least, he would like to be apathetic. How can I come in and say, “I’m sorry, but that’s not the way you’re supposed to grow. You took a step backwards. Come with me and let’s find a better way together.” That sounds horribly condescending to me, and I am trying terribly hard to not feel that way. I don’t want to feel like the path I have chosen is better than the one he has.

Please understand, I’m not trying to counter you here. Rather, I am expressing my concerns… and frustrations. Likely, I’ve misinterpreted what you were trying to say. Will you help me understand better?

I love Silas, and he’s helped me to become a better, more kind, loving and understanding person. We’re definitely working on the whole communication thing. Also, the references to Psych made me smile. Although he doesn’t want to pursue it through his graduate studies, Silas’s undergrad degree is in psych. fun stuff.

trill,

I am very sorry for what you are going through.

I agree with Ray that religious disharmony can be destructive in a marriage. I think the difference between religious difference and religious disharmony is that you can have religious difference and still have a great marriage. While difficult, two members of different faiths can build a solid marriage. But if they have disharmony – meaning they can’t talk about religion or that it leads to arguments – it is very difficult if not impossible to have a strong marriage.

I think the suggestions made by everyone are great. In the end, he may just need time. If that is the case, you have to decide if you can wait and be happy. It sounds like you love him a lot, so trust your heart.