I can’t stand not being able to relate to my DH

There’s another great site for mixed belief marriages in the LDS faith called Faces East. You’ll see familiar faces there: http://www.faceseast.org/index.php” class=”bbcode_url”>http://www.faceseast.org/index.php

A few thoughts:

Tithing – it seems reasonable for you to both pay this separately. Are your finances completely entwined? Is there a way to disentangle so that you can “pay your conscience” and he can do likewise?

If you do recommend trying to build some common ground with him, how is the best way to go about it when he has built such a high wall up around his faith? I am also afraid of the fact that I am starting to feel like I have less respect for him… mainly due to his lack of open-mindedness.

This is tough. The only advice I would have is that you need to clearly demonstrate to him that your love and marriage comes first, and if keeping his faith behind a wall is what makes him happy, then you’re happy he’s happy. Try to find the positive aspects of his view – it is working for him (right now anyway), and he is happy. Respect that. Be the way you want him to be: put your marriage first, love him, seek to understand him, be open-minded to his views, and meet him halfway. Over time, he may follow your example and do likewise, especially if he sees he has nothing to lose by doing that (no threat to the marriage or personal rejection and no threat to his relationship with his parents). Walls are there to protect from outside threats. Make it clear to him that there are no threats, and the walls might not be necessary over time.

One more comment about Faces East – I’m not a frequent poster there, so I’m a bit of a novice at that site. The site seems slightly more geared toward TBMs with NOM spouses, not the other way around. Still, reading various perspectives from those in mixed belief relationships might be helpful.

I get where you are both coming from on the apathy issue. Not to revert to Fowler again, but it does seem to apply. A Stage 4 has a really hard time living with a Stage 3 because they have just abandoned that Stage 3 viewpoint and now see it as willful ignorance (which, ahem, it kinda is), and someone in Stage 3 would look with fear at what the Stage 4 is doing – abandoning the cushy comfort of faith. Once you get to a Stage 5 detachment, you can look back and say, “Yeah, maybe that wasn’t for everyone.” After all, it’s just religion! To put it into perspective, I don’t know how awesome Heaven might be, but I do know that a crappy marriage is a miserable Hell on earth. I really believe in investing in marriage. Even more than I believe in being right about my religious beliefs.

Oh man, it’s late, and I should go to bed, but here ya go. My thoughts.

Try inviting him to get involved in the discussion at faceseast.org. My wife did this and it has been immensely helpful. He’ll feel right at home there as it is TBMs with NOM spouses (I’m labeling here, sorry). I read it a bit and I thought it was pretty good. You might also try reading it. You will gain a better perspective on his perspective.

About tithing. I’m with you all the way on that. We seem to be congratulating each other a lot asha. In my situation, my wife actually said it was my money and I could do what I wanted with it. This was surprising to me since I always felt like it was our money. As a side note about tithing, looking at it now, I’m so perplexed by it all. Charity giving I understand, but with tithing you give up 10% of your annual interest (usually gross income in TBM view) in order to 1. go to the temple, and 2. get blessings from the Lord. Ummm, what about the immediate blessing of getting a 10% raise every month if you stop paying tithing? That leaves 10% tithing as an entrance fee to the temple. Pretty pricey!! It strikes me as weird to think that we surrender 10% of our money (something concrete) for “blessings” (something nebulous) in the future. I’m all about surrendering things now for benefit in the future, but usually I like to get more bang for my buck!

Okay, sorry, I’ll stop being negative. I don’t mean to fuel the anger, it just comes naturally right now for me! 😳

I’m going to pick up my wife from SLC (she’s been visiting family with the kids) this week so our situation will shortly come to a head. I’ll let you know if I have any great insight. As of now I’m just as confounded as you!

jmb275 wrote:Try inviting him to get involved in the discussion at faceseast.org.

Asha wrote: I don’t think this is going to happen, since he already is annoyed at how much I am on the computer myself. Plus he is mistrustful of anything online about the church that isn’t at lds.org.

Asha, in my marriage I have found that Mrs. Buscador will only deal with a problem when she is ready. If I try to push the issue it only results in contention, and nobody likes that. Over the past four years or so since I have found it necessary to learn about and eventually come to a sort of peace with the challenging aspects of church history and doctrine, my DW has watched me with concern, caution, care and frustration as I read, wrote and discussed my way through. I only shared with her when she said it was OK. When she said enough, I stopped. She is not ready to explore on her own yet, but I think she eventually will.

Your Husband is playing it safe. That’s fine. It is comfortable to be safe. Someday he may peek out of the TBM bubble to see what the scenery looks like. He may want to see what you have seen if you stop pushing him out of the bubble.

you have to accept that your concern with regard to “relating” is selfish – that it is focused on you and not him. You want him to change, and you want it so that your life will be easier – even though his will be harder.

Recognizing that is a start, and seeing yourself as a “protector” in some way is one of the first steps toward peace and actual “relating”.

I think you are absolutely correct on this one Ray. I have already made many mistakes in my impatience to “enlighten” (I use that term very loosely) him on various subjects. I think you are right that my motives are very much self-interested. He is happy. I need to respect that and not push the issue, especially knowing how devastating it could be to him if he were to eventually struggle with his faith the way I have.

L3 – that is great to hear. I really do worry sometimes about the dynamics in marriage where there are mixed levels of belief. It can put both spouses on the defensive as they fear rejection. We want marriage to be a safe haven, the one person who will accept and love us for who we are and for who we may become, but whenever change is introduced, the question remains whether both spouses can find the flexibility to accomodate for each other. Change always requires more commitment to the marriage than sameness.