Teaching my Child to ‘Lie’ Mixed Feelings

My wife doesn’t think it’s a big deal for someone other than a mom or dad, or not a trained mental health professional to talk about this stuff in private with a child. She also first heard the term from her Bishop. It’s even worse in my opinion to think of a 50 YO asking a 12-13 YO Girl.

I don’t want to sound judgmental but it’s pretty accepted in the child development field that only parents and medical professionals should be speaking in private with anyone under the age of 16 about sexuality issues. This is actually more to protect the adult from false accusation. There are laws protecting certain practices for clergy with parishioners, etc. and I know growing up in the church I was asked about masturbation as a teenager. Handing your child over to an ecclesiastical leader to deal with such sensitive subject-matter is border-line abuse, IMHO.

My sister had a horrific incident with this and she had a lifetime of shame and guilt until finally leaving the church last year in her early 30’s. So my ideas on this are a little charged emotionally.

Bishops, etc. are not trained professionals which maybe doesn’t matter 90% of the time but there is that 10% of the time when a child has discovered masturbation or recognizes SSA and it is in these cases where it is appropriate for a parent to seek professional guidance in addressing the topic with the child. Using shame or guilt around the topic of sexuality is one of the most damaging things a parent can do to a child, similar to emotional and physical abuse in long term damage.

I was one of five siblings, raised uber-orthodox mormon and I can attest to the similarity of the damage of emotional abuse, physical abuse, and sexual shaming.

Sorry for the protracted, emotional response. My immediate family is dealing with the effects of this exact topic, so far three of the five of us have resigned from the church either directly or indirectly as a result of this. All in the last 18 months and we’re all in our 30’s.

Yeah, my son will be 12 in September and I am getting nervous about the interview. I think it is inappropriate.

Of course, my DH and I now see it a bit differently. Even though he had to go through the humiliation when he was a young man.

If it is something that 90+% of the population does at some time in their life I think we make too big a deal out of it. Obviously abuse and adiction should be dealt with (by a professional).

I find it interesting that most children “discover themselves” in the stage where they are pure, innocent and not tempted by the devil!

I would not encourage lying, but here’s my take. I’d talk to the bishop and explain your concern to him, adult to adult, that you don’t feel it’s appropriate for your young son to be asked intrusive sexual questions by the bishop other than the basic “are you morally clean.” Come up with a solution/wording you feel comfortable with, and ask that the bishop comply with that. If he wants to know why, just say that you want to raise a child who is emtionally healthy, and that you’ve read enough to know (or based on personal experiences) that sexual interrogation of young teens can lead to emotional problems.

I also wouldn’t assume that the bishop will be intrusive, just err on the side of caution to tell him what you feel as a parent. I can’t imagine a bishop not taking your feelings into account. I also believe many bishops are equally uncomfortable with this level of intrusiveness and won’t ask more detailed personal questions. My bishop never pried about sexual matters when I was a teen, sticking minimalistically to the questions as they were written (at least that was my perception), and he actually was trained and educated in a related field. He just wasn’t prurient or paternalistic.

So call me terrible, but when my son is old enough, I will schedule some time with the Bishop (10 min.) either right before the interview or a few days preceeding. I will tell the bishop point blank that I don’t feel it is appropriate for him to be asking a minor in my household about specific sexual matters. He is authorized by me, his parent ,to only ask my son if he is morally clean. My son will be instructed not to answer any other questions related to sexuality and to report to me if the bishop asks them. I will also tell him that I will make sure my son understands what the term “morally clean” means and will address any issues that come up. I will then inform the BP that should he ask anything else, I will pursue legal action/criminal actions against him as my sons legal guardian. Further more I will tell my son that until he is 18 he does not need to discuss any sexual matters with a priesthood leader beyond the moral cleanliness question. I will leave it up to my son if he would like me present in the interview. If he does, then I the BP will just have to live with that. I will repeat this as needed for any other children I might have, or any new leaders.

To follow up on this, I have a goal of making sure I am there to talk to my son as needed and create an open atmosphere that he can feel comfortable asking any questions he needs to. Should any things arise while he is growing up, we can make sure he receives the appropriate guidance an help and that he can develop a healthy view of sexual matters from trained professionals. After he is 18, I will tell him that he is no longer a minor and should answer questions truthfully.

First, it is highly inappropriate for an untrained counselor to speak with a child about these things. Second, a spiritual leader is there to help someone develop their spirituality. They should focus on teaching about salvation and helping our youth draw closer to Christ, not turn interviews into some kind of confessional. There are so many other things that the time could be used for.

musicman-

From my humble perspective, your approach is perfect. In fact, it should be the policy of the church, yesterday.

In most other churches, adults are not allowed to be in a one on one situation even in an office, with youth, and there are no interviews as to worthiness. If a youth comes to see a pastor for any reason, male or female, the door is kept open or they meet out in public area such as walking in park with parents permission as there some instances when they need to process with a mentor as private conversations are necessary at times I don’t believe adults should ask questions of the youth as to things like that or any sort of sexual purity..that is what parents are for. One answer their questions, if need be, but not inquire. I remember feeling like I had to be confessing to my bishop just before my marriage as I was so concerned about worthiness. and b quickly asked if there was penetration. I naively said, what do you mean? He was very nice and just said you are fine. Well, thanks, but… felt I had just divulged things about myself that I would have preferred to keep private. I could have taken my concerns directly to God in prayer, but the church was so strong on sexual sin— I thought I was sinning horribly and was in the end told just to hang in there for a bit longer. While what we did was not such a good idea for couples trying to stay pure until their wedding, as it increases temptation to keep going further, sexual urges are not evil on their own. I understood where he was coming from, but now the whole idea that a bishop could ask questions like that bothers me, especially if it was my child. I would want my kids to come to me, if they had concerns about sex.

And this whole topic is quite controversial in the first place. It is all best left to parents beyond the instructing that generic teaching that abstinence of sex until marriage is best. I think parents should sit in on all interviews or at least ask permission from parents. And as far as TR questions go, once every two years is fine for adults, so personally think they should not do this more often than that for kids going to the temple to do baptisms.

It is wrong from a legal standpoint (since you would have no legal standing whatsoever); it is wrong from an interpersonal standpoint, since it is aggressively confrontational and threatening; it is wrong from a “godly” standpoint, since it is the opposite of humble and meek.

I totally understand each of these points but feel like there’s the bigger issue: what if the bishop says something inappropriate? As a parent, you knew the possibility but you didn’t say anything? Once the damage is done, it’s done. Especially at such a young age. Some things you never get back. And there is no amount of damage control that can be done after the fact.

So, if the confrontation isn’t a good idea, what is?

Also, why wouldn’t you have a legal option? Most states have unbelievably strict laws about speaking to/being with a minor in private (my DW is a 2nd grade teacher and can’t initiate a hug with her students)