If it isn’t true, why bother?

I was wondering if someone was gonna bring this up on this forum….

I agree entirely with Valoel’s take. The tricky part of beingLDS or stayingLDS is equal parts the institution and the individual, imo.

The institution is going to protect itself, which tends to come out as a form of coercion via emotional abuse. Examples: guilt, groupthink, conformity, uniformity, fear, hierarchical accountability. There is a very fine, very gray line between the institution and what would be considered a cult.

The individual has to choose how to react to the institution.

One: toe-the-line, TBM, internalize the abuse and use it for motivation, never show weakness, thus perpetuating the myth of near-perfection, blind obedience, unwavering “faith”, blurry line between acting out of love or out of fear/guilt, generally can’t attend to own family appropriately because of the desire to look, act, seem the part at church, sees this sacrifice as an “example” to family, demonstrating what they feel is “really” important, building a bigger mansion in heaven.

Two: be a part of the community, pretend to be TBM, fall in line, never speak up, feel some guilt but not enough to “go the extra mile”, don’t make waves, appear to be “near-perfection” on Sunday, do absolute minimum in callings, essentially just “going with the flow” probably because raised in the church, does not care about intellectual problems or cognitive dissonance, social circle is entirely LDS so this is never an issue.

Three: been offended or feels uncomfortable at church, is inactive, still believes everything but doesn’t feel comfortable in a place where they’re “judged” due to socio-economic status, “people talking”, never feeling welcome, have become someone’s “project” which perpetuates and validates previous feelings, could go on for years even generations.

Four: never really had a “testimony”, could be convert or BIC, finally just quit going because they moved away from home, married non-LDS, found new friends, got a new job, church friends moved.

Five: was TBM either BIC or convert, bought into the “this is the only way/truth”, lived it, believed it, took the abuse and internalized it, then POW!, something happened, and now just as black/white but the other way, anti-mormon, distrustful of anyone who could possibly believe all the “crap”, bitter of the sacrifices made for “nothing”, becomes more and more hostile as those feelings of betrayal and bitterness go unvalidated and sometimes those feelings are disputed which makes them enraged, view of the church as “pure evil”.

The next two appear, to me, to be a very, very small faction.

Six: truly Christ-like, goes to church on sunday, goes “the extra mile”, fulfills callings happily and joyfully, attends to family AND fulfills church “responsibilities”, leaving little to no time for self, accepts this sacrifice as a true sacrament for Christ and love for fellow-man, truly believes they are doing right, the church is the vehicle and any “problems” with the eschatology is “put on a shelf”, love and service far outweighing anything else.

Seven: intellectual, trying to balance the cognitive dissonance of the church (teachings, scripture) with the desire to seek truth, in any form, trying to make the church work for them, via service, spiritual “food”, love of others, getting to pick and choose truth, not feeling guilty and not internalizing the abuse, hoping for opportunities to serve, make a difference and maintain intellectual honesty, at least in their own minds and hearts, the church is their only opportunity to sing in a group in public.

The actual question of this thread is, of course, the black/white view which version one and five identify with and which may, collectively, make up the largest group. Which makes sense because the institution demands exactness for survival due to the lack of paid clergy (on the front lines) and the demonstration of “plenty” in the buildings, businesses, property holdings, charitable contributions, etc.

Isn’t it great that I can go on and on without ever answering the question?

I’m definitely version seven, but have asked this exact question to myself many times in the last year (my coming out). I’m raising my two young sons “in the church” but my take is version seven and my wife is version two, so it works for us, for now. I’m anticipating it will change as my boys start to care more about intellectual and social things (they both still believe in Santa). I hope to do right by them and give them the emotional health and strength to trust their own feelings and follow their own dreams.

Valoel, I really feel the same as you have already responded.

This is my mythology and it is true. I’ve had a shift in understanding, though. True doesn’t hold all the same meaning for me as it did before. It is broader and richer and is not wrapped up in the historicity of things. So, I reject the false and cling to the truth. The amazing part is learning what truth is!

I don’t know what the future holds or how this journey will change me, but for now I can fellowship within the LDS church.

Thanks Tom, I love what you said about using the church as a course in love! That is perfect. To me, the whole purpose of life is charity-the pure Love of Christ. What better place to stretch our charity muscles?

Great example, Valoel! I’ll be using it and giving you full credit. 😆

And of course, swimordie, I fit none of your seven.

That was written with WAY too much glee.

@Tom

It may be splitting hairs (and your #8 may have been inevitable even if I had written it, maybe it should be the “Tom version”) but your 8 and my 7 are really, really close.

To me, the whole purpose of life is charity-the pure Love of Christ.

Perfectly said, justme.

I think religion can be a lot like a marriage.

I think this is a great analogy. Of course, in a marriage, it’s presumed that both spouses will work to make it better, overcome faults (or at least acknowledge those faults), increase respect to each other, try to minimize or avoid emotionally manipulative tactics, etc.

Again, I would argue that the marriage analogy is excellent, it just feels like the “spouse” isn’t working towards the same goal of mutual respect, unconditional love, emotional support, and real honesty. fwiw, imho, iow, etc.

I’ve said this to a few people in person before, ones who have asked this question. I told them I am not really all that concerned with religion being true. This really blew their minds and made them a little upset.

I guess I understand intellectually why they are upset. I just don’t feel it … so in a sense it sort of baffles me now why that is so important — that a Church or religion be literally and factually “true.”

Since Valoel is articulating my thoughts so well, I will just echo his sentiment. But I would like to answer why specifically I stay.

1. The whole tribe thing. Might not be valid to some, but it is for me.

2. I actually think being a heretic strengthens me, challenges me, and makes me a better person. I would not want to be in an organization in which I agree with everyone.

3. It is one of many great places to serve my fellows and I feel that’s important.

4. Mormon theology is intriguing and I like to discuss it.

5. I cannot deny there is a cultural element (parent, in-laws, friends are all TBMs).

I will also say that I don’t have a problem with intellectual honesty or integrity. I don’t really feel that I’m being dishonest by staying even if I don’t believe it to be the literal one and only True church. Also, I figure that if my tribe doesn’t want me anymore, they will make that known to me, and I will have to find something else. But until then, I like my tribe, even if they’re weird, even if some are literal, and even if they endorse prop 8.

Swimordie,

Not all people in a marriage work toward the betterment of the relationship–in fact, some seem to really sabotage it. I think this can be seen in religion as well.