If I were an atheist…

I did an experiment in atheism for several days. I could post the entire experiment here. I don’t think it’s online anywhere. I posted part of it in real time at the New Order Mormon forum when I was active there. I’ll put below the final entry in the journal.

I ended the experiment around noon today.

First, why did I end it? As I said above, it was wearing on me, and I could tell that the main remaining issues would take me a long, long time to resolve. I also felt I had learned at least one important lesson and could end the experiment successfully, even though I wasn’t sure I had accomplished my original goal.

Second, what was my original goal? This part is a little embarrassing, but the main goal was to empathize with secularists and develop the interest required to research skeptical interpretations of NDEs with an open mind. What I am ashamed of is my presumption that I could empathize simply by focusing on my thought experiment. I am a unique individual, as is each other person. My background and make-up are different, and I can only be myself. The body of experience I have amassed over decades of life is unique to me. My hoping that I might with my decades of experience assume the eyes of a person with different experience was a bit foolish.

Third, what did I learn?

a) I was able to do what I set out to do. I was able to suppose that there really was nothing more than space and time. Later in the experiment I supposed more specifically that there was no afterlife. But this didn’t make me a carbon copy of a secularist. I hope I learned to be more accepting of secularists.

b) I could never rationally reconcile the idea that my life is subservient to propagating genes with the idea that I seek meaningful purpose for my life. I could divert my mind from the problem, but I couldn’t make it go away. I am the kind of person who couldn’t serve in the military (glad I wasn’t drafted before I became a conscientious objector) because I couldn’t see the higher purpose in the things they did. The first time I was expected to salute a superior, I looked for the nearest exit (glad it was not too late!). In the military I might have lost my mind. And as a secularist I might lose my mind or die. Those who saw me in the first day of the experiment might have already recognized that. I make no pretense that my experience has any meaning for all of humanity. But it seemed and seems to me that I for one might never be thoroughly satisfied as a secularist. This lesson was totally unexpected and hit me very hard on the first day of my experiment at the moment I looked at a blue sky in tears of reverence and then realized that the beauty I saw was a mere trick of my genes to ensure propagation. The innate and incessant drive I have to find purpose in everything was frustrated and angry. Given my personal history, I had little hope I could ever be fully satisfied playing a meaningful part in a meaningless game. I literally would rather die. Secularism for me didn’t make sense.

c) NDE’s are very important to me. I don’t think I had acknowledged this as fully before. I believe they are important to the world, and I now know they are important to me.

The “what if” of atheism is probably different for each of us. I feel that seriously considering atheism to the best of my ability helped me to appreciate the commonalities I have with atheists. Like atheists, I am strongly humanist (which isn’t strange for a Latter-day Saint). I am strongly rationalist. I am uncomfortable ascribing and deferring to Heaven things we should probably accept responsibility for ourselves. At the same time, I am an unapologetic believer. I believe I am a child of God as I believe I am real.

1. How does this change your outlook on this mortal life?

2. How does this change your quest to find meaning in your life?

3. How does this change your outlook on your family, friends, neighbors?

4. How does this change your attitude towards those that do believe?

5. How does this change your ability to deal with death of loved ones?

1. I place relationships pretty high on my priority list, but I think this would bump “relatioship with God” to the bottom of the list and “relationship with family” at the top, as they are my main source of happiness. That would be a big change since I trust God helps me strengthen those relationships, and then I’d need to look for a new source.

2. Slightly changes, because I could recover from current purpose by taking my current meaning and rooting it in a new paradigm, but be about the same business.

3. See #1. Relationships would seem more important in this life, with less hope of eternal relationships in the way I view them now. I would want to leave a legacy for my posterity.

4. None

5. I think it would change my ability to deal with death, and I think there would be greater fear.

Having said all that…I still don’t think I could accept the “proof” from wherever we are pretending we got it. I think I’d be an inactive athiest and take LDS church doctrine on faith.

@Valoel

Very well said. I think I fall into this camp. Realizing I have some things in common with atheists (re: humanist views), and many with agnostics (not sure about God’s existence, etc.) not much has changed for me.

The one thing I am struggling a bit with is how I would deal with the death of a loved one. Fortunately I haven’t had to actually deal with this in my life yet (except grandparents, but I wasn’t close to them). I’m also interested in the concepts with dualism and the arguments for and against.

I have to agree with jmb and valoel, I’m in the camp of “If God exists, He put us here without any knowledge of Him but still wants us to make the world a better place or at least make others happy”. Someone else said that meaning is created by the individual anyways, so it’s so personal and abstract as to be a “believer” or “non-believer” that it’s hard to ascribe importance (but sure fun to talk about )

The one thing I am struggling a bit with is how I would deal with the death of a loved one.

This was me. My grandpa died two years ago next month. He was the most important person to me in my life (even more than my parents). He was 95. Obviously, he had lived a full life and his “time” was up. For the last 8 years of his life, I had a hard time visiting him consistently because I had started a family. We lived relatively close to each other so this lack of attention on my part made me feel a little guilty.

Then I thought about it. In the scope of life, specifically human life, there really is a time, a season. My time and season to be with my Grandpa, share life with him, learn from him was past. I now had my own family to attend to. This was the season of my life. I didn’t need to feel guilty about a season passing. All seasons come and all seasons go. I need to enjoy them because God (or life) created them for me and I only get them once. The season of my current life is all-important; not the season that has passed or the season that is yet to come (whether in this life or the “next”).

As for the final part, I understand the implication. A knowledge of God gives an assurance of a life after this, one in which we will share with our loved ones. This thought can bring comfort to those in grief over the loss of a loved one, especially “prematurely”. It is no comfort, but this is the exact reason that I feel it is so important to take advantage of life in the moment you are living it; no one knows the end, but we do know the here and now. Viva la vida! (yes, I went to the coldplay concert last night)

Very beautifully said swimordie. Thank you!! You bring valuable insight to this forum!

My father just passed away this week. I wondered how I would react in a situation like this after losing my faith and I can report that I am handling it very well. I break down a few times a day with grief but my overall feeling is happiness for the time I was able to spend with him. I am somewhat irritated in how everyone else has to try to find some mysterious meaning in every little event surrounding his death but overall I’m content to let them do what they need to in order to grieve. I’m just thankful for the life he lived and that he was a good dad.

Thank you very much for this. I wouldn’t consider myself an atheist either. I appreciate the insight you’ve given. I’m like you, when I was a believer I would have had similar responses, and yet now, my responses are more like yours.