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Hi everyone. New to this site and looking forward to getting to know you. I am a life long member of the LDS church and was raised for the bulk of my life in Utah County, Utah. I served a mission, attended BYU, and even taught and supervised at the MTC for a few years. I know that in the course of my lifetime that I have experienced revelation. I have read the BofM many times and feel that it, above any other work, has made the greatest difference. But something has changed inside of me…..something that I am not sure I can adequately explain just today. I, like so many others, experienced some heart wrenching trials in my personal life that seemed to turn my whole world on its head. Trials that caused me to question the very existence of God, the validity of the Savior, and religion itself. I certainly and painfully learned that sharing my deep personal and doctrinal concerns with priesthood leaders was ….well, lets just say it was disappointing. And then there is all my history….my immersion in mormon/utah culture and my very religiously “black and white” upbringing in a not so loving ward and neighborhood. I suppose it all kind of formed a perfect storm for my deep questioning. I couldn’t decide if I was apostatizing or waking up as my religious conditioning went to war with my new reality. I now believe that the waking up was a gift and very necessary for my growth and I now see God’s influence woven throughout it. I decided that I would start to look at every doctrine of the church and that one way or the other I would come to terms with it. For the most part, I am at peace especially with the core of gospel doctrine. But I still have my reservations or pockets of questionings that are weighing heavy and that cause me to question the so called “revelation” of the church and then trying to believe the reality that Jesus will in fact heal me too. I think sometimes that there are two people inside of me. The one that is awake and understands all the failings of men and the very imperfectness of anything that happens on this earth and who believes anyway because of God and his whisperings. And then there is the other part of me the feels deeply betrayed by this organization that I devoted so much to — the one that was suppose to be there to help me in my darkest of days. Instead, I felt very abandoned and shunned and most of all forgotten. So. Here I am…..a recovering apostate.
Looking forward to getting to know you as I share parts of me with you and hopefully as you share your wisdom with me.
Poppy
Welcome Poppyseed. I think you’ll find this a great place to be, and many people share similar experiences as you have. Thanks for sharing your introduction. I certainly look forward to hearing your views on subjects, or just questions you have or want to pursue. I find this forum very liberating to ask away and take courage to doubt any of my prior TBM beliefs in hopes of boiling all the different views inside my head down to the one of who I am, where I’m at with my journey, and not have to feel I should be any different than who I am, even if others in my ward might not approve of some of my views, I know I have them, I know that God knows I have them, and it is just best for me to take time to address them. I find everyone here in this forum very supportive, and now we get to have you with us too! Welcome!
Poppyseed wrote:I have read the BofM many times and feel that it, above any other work, has made the greatest difference. But something has changed inside of me. [snip] I, like so many others, experienced some heart wrenching trials in my personal life that seemed to turn my whole world on its head. [snip] I certainly and painfully learned that sharing…. [snip] apostatizing or waking [snip] the very imperfectness of anything that happens on this earth and who believes anyway because of God and his whisperings. And then there is the other part of me the feels deeply betrayed by this organization….
Welcome here. What familiar words! I hope that we can be a support to each other as we look forward to a new enjoyment of our LDS membership.
Tom
Welcome aboard! Welcome to our community. A lot of your story resonated with me personally. You are not alone, not at all. What you are going through is a normal and natural process of growth. It’s ok to question things, examine them, accept and reject what brings us enlightenment and “truth.” That is what our Church teaches, isn’t it? I think our community forgets that at times.
You are among fellow travelers here. And it is ok to both have doubts and have joy in your personal spiritual experiences at the same time.
I was going to say basically what valoel just said, so instead I will just say: Welcome. I hope we can help you and you can help us.
Welcome, I hope we can all help each other on this journey through life, using Mormonism as one means of helping to obtain happiness. You words reminded me of a story I read on a blog. You may not be an atheist but the “two persons inside me” comment made me think of this
http://www.blakeclan.org/jon/greenoasis/2009/05/27/mormon-me-vs-the-infidel/ ” class=”bbcode_url”> http://www.blakeclan.org/jon/greenoasis/2009/05/27/mormon-me-vs-the-infidel/ I likewise have felt this way. I am so glad I let out the “infidel” as it were, even though it doesn’t mesh with things. I still feel I am a spiritual person, but probably not so much a religious person anymore.
Welcome aboard, Poppyseed! Hope you enjoy the forum. Thank you for such a warm welcome. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I think something inside of me knows that these strugglings are part of my growth. I am finding comfort in that and it helps to hear the same ideas from others, so thank you. Looking forward to associating with you all. The following is a greatly condensed version of something I have shared in a couple of different talks in my life: There are two dogs inside each of us – a good one and a bad one. They are constantly fighting each other. The one that wins is the one we feed the most – or the best, depending on your focus.
Old-Timer wrote:The following is a greatly condensed version of something I have shared in a couple of different talks in my life:
There are two dogs inside each of us – a good one and a bad one. They are constantly fighting each other. The one that wins is the one we feed the most – or the best, depending on your focus.
Thank you, Ray. I think you may be right about this. There is something to be said about concentrating on offenses and mistakes and how it tends to magnify the significance of things. Learning to focus properly is a good thing. My father always used to say “as a man thinketh, so is he.” I have thought a lot about that over the years.
I think what I don’t want to do though is live in denial about my concerns. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I don’t want to live in a place where I don’t feel honest and genuine. I don’t do well in any other circumstance. I guess I need a place where I can tell the truth. And if I can look at the truth about my perceptions and square that with the truth about how things really are, then I can place my focus properly.
Thanks for your input.
Poppyseed wrote:I think what I don’t want to do though is live in denial about my concerns. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I don’t want to live in a place where I don’t feel honest and genuine.
We’re all familiar with James 1:5 If you lack wisdom, ask God.
But skim down to verse 8, which is often overlooked:
Quote:8 A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.
There may be competing forces…but we can’t feed both dogs and not expect the dogfights to get louder and stronger to the point we can’t hear ourselves think.
By the way, I think I’ve got 2 dogs…not good and bad but dumb and dumber.
Quote:There may be competing forces…but we can’t feed both dogs and not expect the dogfights to get louder and stronger to the point we can’t hear ourselves think.
Yes. I think I have been double minded and I don’t like it. I don’t like the dogfights and the feelings of being hypocritical. I would rather lead from a place of surety. I like the scriptural descriptions of being immovable and steadfast and not being blown by every wind of doctrine. I suppose at some point, one must simply make a decision and then see what comes of it. For now, my decision is to stay with the church and to keep my covenants and to apply whatever faith I can must to my places of doubt. God, I don’t suppose, is done with me.
Quote:By the way, I think I’ve got 2 dogs…not good and bad but dumb and dumber.
LOL!
Hi Poppyseed I’ve just started a slow catching up, looking up people’s introduction to get a better feel for their situation. I really appreciate the posts you have given to me and I see that we have fairly similiar situations: I do have a firm conviction about the Book of Mormon but the organization still irks me something terrible. I guess I am fortunate in that the saying: “The Church is true from the Ward on down” is very true in my own Ward, it is a great place to be in many senses though I still feel like an outsider I do know that they will support me and love me.
Good to have you here.
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