Finding Contentment in the Church

Greetings. I’m an active life-long member of the Chruch. I’m married to a very supportive, believing member and have 5 children. I’m agnostic when it comes to the “truthfulness” of the church, but I see value in the Church for my family as well as myself. My wife and a few others are aware of my unbelief and have been very supportive. StayLDS is perfect for me because I’ve made the decision stay actively involved in the Chruch. I look forward to developing a friendship with the folks here and hope to find ways to grow and find contentment in the Church.

Here’s my story…

I was born in a good LDS family. When I was young my parents had a sudden and bitter divorce. My mom has always been active. My dad, however, has moved from inactivity to extreme activity during my teens, and has returned to inactivity. I lived with him during the peak of his religious fervor and followed his example. I prayed daily and read the Book of Mormon many times and received a witness before serving a mission. In high school, I was voted “Most Saintly” by the student body. I reported to the MTC with faith to move mountains and the power to baptize thousands.

The MTC was very hard. I felt that many of the missionaries entering the MTC shouldn’t have been there…like they were slowing down the pack. Looking back, I regret having those feelings. Though I knew the scriptures inside and out, I lacked empathy. A few MTC experiences also created cracks in my testimony. I remember being instructed that those without testimonies should borrow the testimonies of others when testifying. I found that troubling and inconsistent with the teaching of the church. I began to feel like a pawn in an institution.

My crisis of faith came midway through my mission. We were teaching the first discussion to an evangelical family. Their pastor was there and asked us to explain 1 Timothy 3:16:

And without controversy great is the mystery of godliness: God was manifest in the flesh, justified in the Spirit, seen of angels, preached unto the Gentiles, believed on in the world, received up into glory.

This scripture said that Christ and God the Father were the same. I couldn’t explain otherwise. This was the first time I saw the scriptures from a different perspective…one that also made sense. I spent the next week trying to resolve the contradictions in the scriptures…but without success. Eventually, I decided to pray earnestly for a witness. I received a witness, the same witness that I had received about the Book of Mormon. It felt like a warm flow of water going down the back of my neck and rested in my chest with swelling motions. However, this didn’t resolve things in my mind so I continued the experiment and prayed to know if God the Father and Jesus were the same being. I expected to receive a stupor of thought. Instead, I received the same witness! How could the Holy Ghost give the same witness for contradictory things. I came to the conclusion that the witnesses I had received…the basis of my testimony…were based on emotion not revelation. This crushed me. I questioned the existence of God. I kept this experience to myself and eventually sank into deep depression. I continued as an obedient missionary, but without the fire.

I came home from my mission a different person. I was unhappy. Inside, I became apathetic to the church. At Ricks College, I learned about and accepted evolution and found ways to fit it into my faith. Eventually, I got lucky and married way above myself. However, our marriage began to struggle because we weren’t equally yoked in the gospel. She wanted me to be more obedient and I felt trapped.

About 6 months ago I went to exmormon.com and posted my story under the subject “Ramblings from the TBM…sort of.” As “fresh meat” to the forum, I received a wide range of advice. This was a very positive experience and I decided that continued church activity was the best option for me. The site NewOrderMormon.org was also helpful, though it seems like it’s become a bit more “anti” than it’s original purpose. I’m aware of many of the darker sides of the church, but they don’t affect much because all religions have their secrets. For me, spending much time digging those things up would just make it harder for me to stay committed and hurt my personal growth. By analogy, I don’t know exactly why my parents got a divorce. I’ve heard stories from different people and I could find out a lot more if I wanted to. But I don’t see much value in digging up the past. Over the years, I’ve become more mature and have been able to have meaningful talks with my parents about the divorce. Likewise, I look forward to learning more about the history of the church, but not until I’ve developed my own spiritual equilibrium.

Over the past year months, I’ve gradually opened up and shared my feelings with my wife. I assured her that I love her and will continue to support her in raising our family in the Church. This has been an important key and she has been very supportive. Now she knows why I drag my feet and I feel less trapped. Since then I’ve shared my beliefs with my in-laws (who are good, Orthodox members) and sister who I think it a lot like me.

Last week I shared my story with a member of the stake presidency during a temple recommend interview. We talked for about two hours. It was very positive experience. I answered the questions honestly by replacing “belief” and “testimony” with “faith.” In the end, he signed my recommend, but counseled me to addend the temple regular and to resume scripture study and prayer. I’ve been doing this in concert with reading stories and essays from this site.