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My husband and I joined the church in 1977, were active a number of years, inactive a number of years, got divorced, got remarried and NOW he has been going to the Fundamentalist church for the last year. I guess that is one way to embrace some of the early doctrines of the church, but I personally have no interest. Not only in the idea of becoming polygamist, but the Adam-God doctrine, law of consecration and any other things that I am not even aware of…. This new direction has led me to read more and question more and has sent my testimony of what I thought was true on a slippery slope. In a spriritual sense, I have ALWAYS known there is a God in heaven and that he sent his son to atone for our sins, but now the religious aspect of my testimony is looking dubious. Does God really care how we worship him as long as we do and that we acknowledge our need for him in our daily lives…. If anyone else has been down this path, could sure use some help
Thanks
Bruce in Montana is on a similar path as your DH. Bruce, any words? If its any consolation, my DH is on the road of disaffection, but maintains a buffet type membership in the church. I am active, believing LDS. I have been helped so much by these people. Welcome to the site, and I hope you can find some answers here.
The one bit of advice I would give is that you can love DH without making all the same choices he is making. You have to be yourself and let him be himself.
I don’t have exact experience in this area, but it seems an effective stabilizing practice could be to do everything you can to foster interactions with all the best things in the greater world. You’ll have to think and pray about this (the general concept is very sound), but here are examples: Registering and participating at Wikipedia, Goodreads, and other positive, serious online communities
- Reading uplifting novels and biographies outside the LDS tradition
- Joining community activities (sports, memberships, clubs, charities)
- Watching uplifting (spiritual) movies/media (Touched by an Angel, Shadowlands, What Dreams May Come)
He wants to excel. He wants to be spiritual. He wants to put his life on the line for heaven. He has stagnated and wants to move forward. He milked the LDS religion for all it was worth and wants more. Express appreciation and admiration for his dedication, and express that you would like to join with him in ways that work for you including things that help you think, breathe, and live the Golden Rule with respect to all 6 billion of your sisters and brothers.
Welcome. I hope we can help. We’re at least here to listen and offer positive feedback from our own experiences. It is very important to separate marriage relationship problems from religious problems. They are two different issues with different solutions.
What are your husband’s motivations for changing his beliefs and trending towards fundamentalism? Assuming that might involve polygamy, THAT is going to create serious marriage relationship problems (I assume). The religious aspect of that is a separate issue, which is probably a little easier to compromise on.
It may not be the end of the world if your husband explores the fundamentalist views. They are just different perspectives. What causes real world problems is putting some of those ideas into practice. I am not saying it is right or wrong (even though that isn’t personally to my tastes either), but it will cause real problems if you are not making the same changes.
Welcome, redhatjunker! Your dilemma is a doozy. I’m not going to pretend that I can understand what you’re going through but my comments may sound that way. Take them for what they’re worth to you.
I will say that, having grown up in a small inner-mountain west mormon community, this trend towards fundamentalism is not new. It seems to ebb and flow with the perceived political tide overall. The small-town far right-wing fringes are in a tizzy right now since Obama was elected, etc. I’ve actually heard first person accounts of plots to blow up bridges that link large cities with some of these remote areas “when the economy collapses”. Ammunition is on back order in most places and gun sales are on a record pace this year. All during a recession!
My point is that people get really stirred up by external societal trends, real and perceived. I’m not saying that this is your husband, but that there are alot of others now in your situation as the backlash to all this “change” is to return to the roots, or hunker down in fundamentalism. I agree with Valoel, there’s not anything “wrong” with this, but personal relationships are always affected and respect, acceptance, support and love take on whole new meanings.
There is certainly a way through this and potentially something even better on the other side, so… be honest with yourself, your spouse, and communicate constantly.
One of the problems with his going this, or any direction, is that I get the argument: “if I would just be a submissive, obediant wife and follow my ‘righteous priesthood bearer’ then everything will be ok”…..I KNOW this is unrighteous dominion and have said so, naturally I don’t get any agreement from him. Although concerned about the perils this puts on our marriage, I guess my reason for joining the group is to help me with the earthquakes in my mainstream testimony and to not the throw out the baby with the bath water thing. I have been going to both meetings on Sundays, which makes about 6 hours, (so I am getting enough religion), took one of their “discussions” and have tried to be open minded. I bought the book, In Sacred Loneliness, we already had the Quinn books although I haven’t opened them and he has a shelf full of fundamentalist books. Before this, I was quite content just being a plain, simple Mormon. After our years of inactivity, I became a born-again, holy-roller-type Mormon after accepting the fullness of the atonement for me personally. Somewhere in my soul, that still resonates, but it has been fogged in. I know life is supposed to be full of adversity, but d***, at my mid-50’s thought I would have more figured out by now……. Does DH want to become a polygamist, as well as a fundamentalist? Wow! Just wow! I feel for you. Especially since I feel I can really identify with your husband. I’m sure you can too. I’m sure you see him as a beautiful person, perhaps misguided, sick, and wounded, but still beautiful. So what do you do?
You said fundamentalism is not your path and not your belief. Can you express your total support for his finding his path while making it clear it isn’t your path? Please, please, please set your boundaries. Feel free to tell him, “I will take a walk any time you begin to speak like that.” Then when he begins to feel dominating to you, simply do this on the way out the door:
“I love you and I will be back, but I am not comfortable (I feel threatened) when you talk like that.”
Make your walks (drives) as short as you can make them, and only as long as you need to feel totally free so you can return out of pure love. Fight the urge to make them punishments for his behavior.
“I am not punishing you. I love you, and I will be back as soon as I can.”
Thank you Tom for your response….. As you can guess, this can be a very contentious subject if I express any differing opinion and I have done as you suggested, but I appreciate the validation that it’s ok… In my heart, I believe this will lead to a polygamist relationship although at this space in time, he reassures me that he would not seek another wife without my blessing….. riiiiiight… not my experience of the past 37 years of togetherness…
Part of me wants to say go for it cause it would create more independence for me and the other half says, I don’t think so, just NOT sharing…..nor would I want to explain it to my grown children and grandchildren….
hanging by a thread
redhatjunker
I’m no therapist (this sounds like a great question for The Mormon Therapist, incidentally), so all I can do is tell you what I think as an outsider with no dog in this fight. If DH is domineering and dismissive of your rights in the marriage, I don’t see how a marriage survives that. His communion with fundamentalists is only going to reinforce that viewpoint and behavior that as the man, he is the boss and you need to get in line and keep quiet. If so, it seems inevitable he will become convinced that it is his right to take additional wives and you don’t have a say because you are 1) under his rule and 2) your vote doesn’t count because you are less worthy (not fundamentalist).
I honestly don’t know if I’m right or just fear-mongering, so please take that for the personal opinion that it is.
redhatjunker, First, welcome to the forum. Second, as you can tell by others’ responses, this is a good place to share thoughts with each other and feel support, even if none of us have all the answers, we can discuss and hopefully help you think through what you think is right…but your situation is yours and you have that awesome responsibility. Third, my heart goes out to you, because it seems like a difficult situation…but not one too difficult for the Lord to help you through it (that is my faith). I think the Lord does care about how we worship Him, which goes way beyond what religion we say we belong to.
I am currently reading a book about David O McKay. Some things came to mind from the book when I read your intro, so I will share in hopes it has meaning to you:
Quote:Free agency is of paramount importance, not merely as an abstract dogma, but because it is the only way in which humankind can progress toward internalizing godlike qualities.
As real to us as the consciousness of life itself is the awareness of the ability to make a choice. There exists an eternal law that each human soul shall shape its own destiny.
‘No One individual can make happiness or salvation for another.’Even God himself could not make men like himself without making them free. If there are signs that you are being asked to forfeit your god-protected gift of Free Agency, that should be a huge red flag for you to make sure that is always protected and honored, and should be addressed immediately. I like Valoel’s advice to separate marriage from religious issues…but Free Agency must be protected in the relationship or perhaps professional help is required.
Please keep studying and praying. Christ taught that we need to go the extra mile, accept others for who they are, forgive and try our best to develop love for others by losing ourselves…and He died that we might have agency to grow and develop. I’d suggest using your agency to find as many shared beliefs and build your relationship on as much common ground as you can find, and try to lessen the importance on the few differences that may exist. But there is a line to be drawn in the sand that cannot be crossed that you must know how to keep yourself safe and your agency protected. Those are my thoughts for you.
I wish you the best.
Heber13 wrote:it seems like a difficult situation…but not one too difficult for the Lord to help you through it (that is my faith)
Amen, Heber13. RHJ, hawkgrrrl paints the worst case scenario, and it’s important you keep your boundaries firmly established as you have been doing and I have validated. By maintaining your boundaries, you can love him FREELY and fully right to and through the moment he may give up on you.
Monkey as well as Bruce in Montana (and I; there is a little fundie in my family and my past heart you all don’t know much about) may have some insight into the fundamentalist tendency to help you perhaps be his best therapist. Best wishes and prayers.
redhatjunker, It’s hard to relate to your situation and even harder to give any advice since I’m not in your shoes. With that said, agree with hawkgrrrl that your husband’s communication with fundamentalists is going to reinforce his position of power over you. I’m worried about you and don’t want you to loose your identity as a person. Keep in touch.
-Scott
What Hawk said. One spouse who wants multiple spouses and one spouse who doesn’t, especially in this day, is not going to work. Period. As Valoel said, this appears to be MUCH deeper than religion. I would seek professional help – ASAP.
I’ll just give an opinion, and take it with a grain of salt. I like hawkgrrrl’s comments, but I wouldn’t jump too quick to conclusions.
But she has a great point. From a mind control standpoint the fundamentalist groups are very dangerous. When I say mind control I’m not talking about hypnosis. I’m talking about well understood coercive cult mechanisms that use psychological and social tricks to keep people obedient, and within the group. I think these are something to be worried about. What you may want to do is take a look at this
http://www.freedomofmind.com/http://www.freedomofmind.com/” class=”bbcode_url”> This guy is a former Moonie and has made a life (since getting out) of helping people to get themselves out, or helping get loved ones out. If nothing else, I would familiarize yourself with the mechanisms these types of organizations often use so that you can identify them and know where to draw lines.
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