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My oldest son is 18, just recently graduated from high school, and started college last month. He is a wonderful son, and the most dedicated person I have ever met. He sets high goals, meets them, and lives the gospel very well. Anyway, he asked me what I thought about whether he should serve a mission. As his Father, I felt it was right for me to tell him the truth…so I did. I told him I don’t really believe in missionary service, I don’t think he should go, that I don’t want him to go, and that he should not go for the wrong reasons. The reasons for my negative response are numerous, and I don’t think they really matter right now, but I definitely feel very strongly about it…and I told him so. The Bishop found out I had told him how Ifelt and he made it very clear that he did not agree. He said, “It needs to be his decision”, and then told me that I should not let my feelings affect his decision.
I asked him what I should have said and was told that I should have told him that he needs to serve.
Then I said, “If your son asked you if he should serve a mission, what would you have said?”.
He responded by saying, “I would tell him he should go”.
I came back with, “Shouldn’t it be his decision? Should you really be letting your feelings affect his decision?”
Anyway, my question is this: How can I feel like I am being honest with my son if I tell him a lie about how I feel? I absolutely do not want him to go on a mission, he asked me for my opinion, and I told him how I felt. How is that any different than a Father telling his son that he should go if that was how he truly felt?
I’m pretty much a simpleton about many things, but this has been very tough for me.
I think what you said is perfectly right and correct for you. My oldest son is 21. He went to college for two years while deciding whether or not to go on a mission. He knew my feelings about missions (I personally wanted him to go.), but I put NO pressure on him. It absolutely was his decision – as an adult – to make.
He left last month for the MTC and arrived in the mission field two weeks ago. He went with his eyes wide open – which makes ALL the difference, imo.
You’ve expressed your opinion. I think your challenge will be to back off now and not pressure him to accept your opinion – to let him make it truly on his own – then to support him no matter what he decides. If he chooses to go, embrace him, tell him you love him – and support him as if you agreed 100% – because you do support him to make his own decisions. If it is just lip service, frankly, it will hurt him more because it really was false.
So, do you REALLY believe it is HIS decsion at this point?
wendell wrote:Anyway, my question is this: How can I feel like I am being honest with my son if I tell him a lie about how I feel? I absolutely do not want him to go on a mission, he asked me for my opinion, and I told him how I felt. How is that any different than a Father telling his son that he should go if that was how he truly felt?
What would the “wrong reason” be for your son to go?I went because I believed in the Church, in God, and in serving people by helping them see how the Church could help them gain happiness in this life and in the next. If your son is like that, how could that be wrong?
HiJolly
A wrong reason to go would be from feeling undue pressure to go with no actual desire to serve. I think many do go for the wrong reasons, and yet, many go to college for the wrong reasons, and it works out. And people do things for the right reasons that don’t work out at all. More importantly, I would say that it is important for him to know you trust him to make the best decision for himself. I agree with what has been said. You did do what was right. I do believe it should be his choice and that he should go in eyes wide open (as possible). I do know many who went due to pressure and/or fear. I also know many who had bad experiences and left the church. I also know people who went because they wanted to and had wonderful experiences that they treasure. I understand. I really wish we had service missions instead of prostylizing ones. But, I want my kids to make their choices with as much info as I can give them.
I had a companion early in my mission that only went because his parents wanted him to and bribed him to go with the promise of a new truck. Serving with him was the absolute low point of my mission. The only time he ever spoke with any kind of conviction was when he talked about how much he hated the Church and hated being on a mission. He was a problem for everyone he served with and I always felt bad for the mission President because he constantly had to move him around to different companions, knowing that he would drag down anyone he served with. Now to be fair I’m pretty sure this guy was a jerk well before he got on his mission. Wait, that’s not fair at all… 😈 My ONLY point in saying this is that if you go for the wrong reasons you aren’t helping anyone. One of the problems with the church today is the stigma people receive for not going on missions; when if fact not going can be a wise decision too depending on who you are.
Oh, and to answer the original post by Wendell (since my first response wasn’t really in response to anything)… I think you did the exact right thing. Aren’t we taught to seek the counsel of our elders? I think the worst thing you can do when a child asks for advice is to lie to them. You told the truth, that can ONLY earn respect and admiration from your son.
Quote:I really wish we had service missions instead of prostylizing ones.
Just a techinical point – but an important one:
We DO have alternatives available for those who can’t / don’t want to serve a prostylizing mission. Unfortunately, most bishops don’t utilize them in many cases where they are appropriate.
Old-Timer wrote:Quote:I really wish we had service missions instead of prostylizing ones.
Just a techinical point – but an important one:
We DO have alternatives available for those who can’t / don’t want to serve a prostylizing mission. Unfortunately, most bishops don’t utilize them in many cases where they are appropriate.
Thank you for pointing that out! I think it is important. I have heard of young men with disabilities able to serve a stake mission. I just didn’t think they had any service ones available to young men/women.
It needs to be his decision. And to make a wise decision–to avoid groupthink–he must have support, information, and encouragement in the various alternatives. This doesn’t make the choice very easy for him, but it’s the trusting and right thing to do. I assume you do want him to “serve” in the general sense. If he considers many noble “service challenge quest” alternatives, his ultimate satisfaction and effectiveness in the decision he makes will be enhanced, I believe. What is his view of the alternatives? Have you mentioned the Peace Corps or even a Couch Surfing stint or other possibilities? Perhaps you and he could have a fun brainstorming session of service challenge quest type mission possibilities.
HiJolly wrote:
What would the “wrong reason” be for your son to go?Well, David O McKay once said that no man was ever given a calling for his own benefit. I believe very strongly that a mission is a calling, and therefore I think President McKay’s statement applies here. So…if a person goes on a mission because it will “make a man out of you”, “help you grow up”, or “it will help you to learn the gospel”, then I think they are going for the wrong reasons. Furthermore, if you are going because, “you will disappoint your Father in Heaven if you don’t go”, “your parents really want you to”, “your family really needs the blessing”, or because, “rightoeous women will only marry returned missionaries”, then you are also going for the wrong reasons.
Maybe I am letting my own mission experiences influence how I feel about this, but that really doesn’t matter, because it is truly how I feel, and I can’t keep quiet about it. Maybe my testimony isn’t even as strong as I thought it was, and I didn’t think it was very strong to begin with. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
I think your bishop is making the proper point and missing the point all at the same time. This is your son’s decision. Yes, nineteen year olds still need their parents influence. I sometimes think that parents know their kids better than anyone else, and other times parents can hamper their children’s growth because of their own issues, fears, or blindness.
Perhaps giving an opinion isn’t the best way to parent or guide your son. Perhaps your influence could best be utilized if instead of sharing your feelings, your helped your son determine his own feelings and the will of the Lord for his life. Sometimes I think it might be the will of the Lord for an individual not to go. Other times, I think it is part of the test of faith to go even when there are compelling reasons to stay home.
My grandfather wanted to serve a mission. His LDS but rather controlling mother was against it. He made a decision and respectfully informed his mother that he would not be staying home. She followed him to the train station and in an act of defeat my grandfather decided to stay home to take care of his widowed mother. I have always thought that God would judge this choice as an act of honoring his mother. But it was a painful regret that he carrried with him for the rest of his life and a silent wedge that always stood between them.
Find a wise way to interact with your son. In the end, your feelings are not the most important. And if your son goes and that isn’t a choice you would have preferred, try to support him anyway. Whatever happens don’t be a stumbling block to his growth.
wendell, for what it’s worth, what you just said is exactly what is said in the Preach My Gsopel manual for missionaries. I think you might be shocked at how “liberal” much of what it says is – from a “success” or “administrative” perspective. I had a friend who did a mission at the Humanitarian Center in SLC. Strictly service-oriented, and he was 20 I think when he started it. I think there are a lot of things we might not want our kids to do over the years, but once they are adults it is important to let them make their own decisions. If they ask, we can tell them what we think and then back off. My oldest son almost went on a mission and then backed out at the last minute. He could see I was disappointed and that made him feel bad because he thought I was not proud of him. So, he explained to me that he realized he would be going for the wrong reasons (like having girls think a RM is hot when he went back to BYU) etc. and he just could not do that. He also saw some local missionaries set a bad example in public and that influenced him too. He served in the military, and has a beautiful wife and two little girls and is a great husband and father. Those are all good missions too. After he explained why he could not go on a mission, I told him I was proud of him for wanting to do things for the right reasons. My youngest son had wanted to serve a mission too until he realized he was gay and that really messed him up for a while. He left the church and has gone into the gay lifestyle which is not something I wanted for him, but I no longer judge or condemn him for his personal decisions. I served a two year mission in Austria and really wanted to be a missionary as a young girl. I had a very strong testimony. But, it was a very hard mission and almost lost my testimony on my mission. I just try to see everything as a learning experience anymore and then nothing is wasted. Bridget
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