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I promised an introduction, so here it is. I was born in the heart of Mormondom, behind the “Zion Curtain”, as I call it. I was raised in the Gospel by believing parents, my father having been similarly born in the gospel and my mother a convert from Catholicism. I served a full-time mission for the church and graduated from BYU. I met MadamCurie, a convert to the church, while on a summer internship to the East Coast my senior year at BYU. We were married in the temple a week after I graduated from BYU and then moved to the East Coast, where MadamCurie was working on her PhD and I was enrolled in medical school. We have been married for just over 5 years and we have a 2 1/2 year old son. We are both intellectuals, you could say, and scientists at heart, hence our usernames. A week ago, MadamCurie told me that she had decided after much research and contemplation that the church was not restored, at least as currently taught, and that she could not accept it as the “only true and living church on the face of the earth”. I’ll let MadamCurie speak for herself about her journey. Her announcement threw me into chaos and my world was flipped upside down. I felt that everything I had planned in the context of the church was thrown out the window. I sought help and found the “Faces East” forum, which has been very supportive. They recommended I read up on Fowler’s Stages of Faith on this site.
I cannot deny that MadamCurie continues to receive spiritual direction on her path. The Fowler’s stages of faith definately put a positive perspective on MadamCurie’s change that is more in line with the spiritual guidance she is receiving and with her current peace (despite my struggles), than the typical judgements of apostasy that I normally would have associated with loss of testimony in the restoration, giving up a temple recommend, and breaking the word of wisdom. I also have a great deal of respect for my wife’s judgement and careful approach to making such a weighty decision. I now feel an inner pull to research the truth and decide for myself.
With the little I have uncovered so far, I am beginning to feel a great deal of disillusionment with the church. I have looked at the NOM site a bit, but while I am feeling disillusionment and some anger, I think the NOM site is a pretty toxic place. It seems like a safe environment for someone to express their anger, frustration, etc. with the church and receive highly validating responses. But I am not looking for people to validate my feelings, rather I am looking for continued growth and people to challenge my views. Unfortunately I don’t feel comfortable raising my concerns in the traditional church environment, both due to the highly judgemental environment and the “canned” responses one receives that are patronizing or based on an inaccurate historical understanding propogated by the church.
I look forward to being able to have a productive discussion here with others who will not be judgemental and who are versed in the actual history of the church, rather than the “official” version of history from the church. I look forward to being able to explore my new discoveries and work through the feelings associated with them, knowing that the foregone conclusion does not have to be leaving the church.
Welcome, love! MadamCurie = kedmondson. I changed my username to preserve anomynity for our family. So my introduction is already on here.
MisterCurie, welcome. I’m glad you’re here. There are a lot of topics discussed here, and I have felt people are pretty intelligent, and also very patient putting up with others like myself. 😳 I think when I allowed myself to truly doubt and ask questions I wasn’t comfortable talking to my family or my ward about in person, and I really allowed myself to seek truth and shed guilt of wondering if I’m “turning apostate” – I felt much more at peace letting go of that guilt…and have come to appreciate so much more about the church that I want to hold on to. I try to let truth stand on its own, and have faith I can find that.
Rene Descartes wrote:If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things
I guess I just was careful not to let my whole lifetime of beliefs completely unravel and become bitter towards the church. Instead, I stopped myself where I was, realized I don’t know whether it is all FALSE any more than it is TRUE, so start where I’m at, take one thing at a time, be brave to test certain things and see what I really believe and what seems to be more just traditions and culture in the church that may not be as important to my faith as I thought it should be in the past, and be willing to let go of things I don’t think are important to me right now.The best advice I got was from Tom Haws, who told me to go slow. Don’t make 180-degree turnarounds…realize these things take time and there is no rush to decide truth about things today. Continue to go to church, read scriptures, read other sources, pray, do whatever makes you feel good because you want to, not because you should or your scared to do something or not do something. Pace yourself for the marathon.
There are a lot of opinions on these blogs, but sharing our ideas is a good outlet, but other deep study in resources off-line are critical to formulating and challenging your opinions. Have you ever read, David O McKay and the Rise of Modern Mormonism? I was recommended that by Hawkgrrrl and I really, really, really liked that book. You may want to check it out.
I look forward to reading more from you and MadamCurie. Thanks for joining. I hope to learn from your experiences.
Welcome MisterC! I hope you feel at home here. Welcome, MisterCurie. We do try here to uplift and encourage more than we gripe. And of course we are very happy to walk all around an issue rubbing our chins and giving our opinions rather than pronouncing a binding ruling. That’s what I have loved most here, the encouragement I get to adopt the attitude (that I feel Heaven must have) that people are generally doing the best and seeing the best they can, and that they probably sense intuitively the way they need to go better than I can. Welcome Mr. Curie! As a fellow doc (although MUCH older 
I’m in my 50s, and have found most LDS physicians/scientists to have a detached approach to the church. IOW, we/they have accepted that the foundational claims may be tenuous, but find positives in the culture and choose to continue participation. I’ve said this before, but a quote from a favorite theologist says:
“The Bible is true, and some of it happened.”
I think that is the evolutionary approach many of us are taking as we approach religion today.
Welcome MisterCurie, I loved reading your post and I just wanted to make one comment. You stated that you were not looking for “validation” and I think that is good.
As a woman, I know that many women seriously seek emotional validation. Emotional invalidation has, in fact, been listed as one of the most serious forms of emotional abuse.
When someone has a very serious need or concern and we invalidate that concern, we are emotionally invalidating that person.
Now, some concerns are frivolous and represent just selfish complaining – “Hey, I didn’t get enough fry sauce with the cheese fries”, “Like you need the extra calories, Lady”.
Sometimes, we all DESERVE to be emotionally invalidated. It is a wake up call that our demands are ridiculous and that we are just getting a little too spoiled over the “sauce”.
Your wife, on the other hand, had some very valid concerns. She expressed her feelings about racism, for example. Racism has been and continues to be a real and genuine problem not just in the Church, but worldwide. To deny that there has ever been racism in the Church (or in any Church) would be to invalidate all those individuals who have experienced discrimination. It would be like denying that their was ever slavery in the United States.
What I am trying to say is that many of your wives concerns are valid. She is educated and socially aware. She has recognized problems, seen the need for change and progress.
Please validate her legitimate concerns. As a Priesthood holder, you can comfort her by validating her and then help her to find real solutions. There are solutions to racism (and other problems) both inside and outside of the Church. The early Christians such as Peter had to recognize racism (such as the prejudice against the Gentiles), and then formulate plans for missionary work amongst the the “heathen” nations. Apostle Paul did an excellent job of ministering to those who once suffered from the stigma of the Gentiles.
Jesus Christ also worked tirelessly to eradicate the social stigmas of leprosy or being a Samaritan etc., etc.
Just be sure to love and validate your wife emotionally as she is going through this. This is such a positive way to strenghten your own marriage and the Church
Whoops, I didn’t proofread and I just noticed that I wrote, “your wives” instead of your “wife’s”. This is definitely a Freudian slip that only a Mormon could make!
Heber13 wrote:
The best advice I got was from Tom Haws, who told me to go slow. Don’t make 180-degree turnarounds…realize these things take time and there is no rush to decide truth about things today. Continue to go to church, read scriptures, read other sources, pray, do whatever makes you feel good because you want to, not because you should or your scared to do something or not do something. Pace yourself for the marathon.Excellent advice. I have been running a bit faster than I have strength this past week, since learning of MadamCurie’s decision, when it comes to trying to investigate things. She is helping me to slow down a little. There is a lot out there to consider. I certainly don’t want to jump out of my religion as quickly as some converts jump into it.
Heber13 wrote:
There are a lot of opinions on these blogs, but sharing our ideas is a good outlet, but other deep study in resources off-line are critical to formulating and challenging your opinions. Have you ever read, David O McKay and the Rise of Modern Mormonism? I was recommended that by Hawkgrrrl and I really, really, really liked that book. You may want to check it out.My wife has ordered this book, so I’m sure that we will be reading it and discussing it together. I decided to start by reading “Rough Stone Rolling.” We have also gotten several books by D. Michael Quinn that look very interesting.
Tom Haws wrote:And of course we are very happy to walk all around an issue rubbing our chins and giving our opinions rather than pronouncing a binding ruling.
LOL.
😆 I look forward to it!MWallace57 wrote:
Just be sure to love and validate your wife emotionally as she is going through this. This is such a positive way to strenghten your own marriage and the ChurchI appreciate the concern for my wife’s concerns. I try very hard to validate her emotions and concerns and let her know that my love for her is stronger than any concern she may have. I hope that it is highly validating to her that I am embarking on a serious study of the things that have concerned her. I know there have been times in the past months as she has been struggling that she felt invalidated when I would quote her the “official” church response to her concerns or give her bad apologetics. I will try not to do that in the future, now that my eyes are being opened
😯 . Thanks for the reminder!Dear MisterCurie, I also like to think of the Church as “Restored”, but not perfected. Why would the mission of the Church be to “perfect the Saints” if we were already perfect.
Perfection is a process of gradual improvement, unlearning bad behavior and replacing it with good behavior.
I’m 52 years old and I have seen this process over the years. My Mormon ancestors used to tell me stories of how men smoked and chewed tobacco. This was done in meetings of the early Apostles. One day the wife of Emma Smith complained to JS that the tobacco had left a big mess for her to clean up. JS listened to his wife. The Word of Wisdom was born.
I would love nothing more if the leadership of the Church today would use JS as an example and really, really listen to women.
Welcome, MisterCurie. I already love your wife, the previous kedmondson! You know what I mean. 😳 Hey MC, Welcome! I am so glad you joined us here. This is such a great group. I am sure you have discovered that there is a broad range of opinions and views. I love it. I really look forward to your comments, as I have already enjoyed your wife’s.
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Welcome to the StayLDS community! I look forward to your questions and participation. Thanks for sharing your story.
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