Drawing Healthy Boundaries with Bitter Friends and Family

I think that’s a great question, and an important issue for many people in AND out of the church…how to get along!

In my own experience, I find bitterness on both sides of the aisle; it’s just that, commonly, those that have left the church feel no need to hold back about their feelings. IOW, when there is no paradigm that says you “should act Christlike,” it makes sense to simply be direct and say what they feel. And when you think about it, if you really believe that “the church” has been deceptive in their teachings about church history, and you have spent your life dedicated to living a very specific lifestyle that you feel no longer is accurate (“true”), anger is very understandable.

Some hold on to their anger a long time. That is unfortunate, but everybody has their own journey, and is it really our responsibility to change that? Frankly, I’ve found the best way to help them beyond their anger is to accept, allow, and respect it. When they don’t get the (most likely) desired push-back from TBMs that keeps them in their anger, they’ll probably move beyond their current stage and find something else more healthy to focus on.

On the other side, those that are very defensive about the church have their own set of issues. They tend to exhibit a sort of “righteously humble” approach. This is another side of the coin of denial…and ego. “Keeping it in” fuels and festers unresolved conflicts. I’m reminded of that movie “Anger Management” where Adam Sandler eventually blows! I think it is healthy to address the concern…allow it to be there, and move on after you have adequately resolved the issue in your own mind.

In the end, we’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve been given. The worst thing that can happen is that we forget the core of the gospel is about loving our neighbors; that doesn’t mean love only those we agree with.

I have also found that respecting them and their position is key. They do not want to be told they are wrong, apostate, or sinful. This is particularly true when their concerns come from historicity concerns, which many of them stumbled upon while trying to strengthen their understanding of the gospel. John Dehlin has a great youtube video linked on this site about why people leave the church and how to deal with them constructively. I highly recommend it. I watched it just after learning of DWs disaffection.

For me, I also recognized that I highly respect DW’s discernment and judgement, so I decided that I would also investigate historicity of the church. I think this was highly validating for her. However, it is definately not a method of keeping a fragile testimony intact, as my own path to disaffection attests.

I think reading about Fowler’s Stages of Faith was most helpful to me in understanding where people are at on their own faith journeys and recognizing that it doesn’t all have to follow the “Plan of Happiness” laid out at church.

I think the answer is easy but not even close to simple:

Don’t take it personally.

To the OP,

You sing them “I don’t know why you gotta be angry all the time” by Tim Mcgraw.

Seriously…..

The cool news is that problems in others are not ours to solve! (cue the angel choir!) I love the priniciple of detachment! Not always good at it, but I love what happens when I am able to accomplish it. If someone’s stuff (bitterness, etc) is effecting you, then you can separate your process from theirs. Their stuff isn’t about you and your stuff. Your stuff isn’t about them and their stuff. When we live in an attitude of detachment or maybe apply that attitude when we are feeling vulnerable, then we are able to maintain self protection and love people (and even support people) at the same time. We can even invite others to a better way of dealing and even challenge lovingly why they need the story they are telling themselves. Detachment isn’t leaving people or passive aggressively punishing them because their stuff messes with our stuff. Detachment is the way we stay INSIDE our relationships but survive effectively.

I think the answer is easy but not even close to simple:

Don’t take it personally.

Amen.

It’s not simple but it is the key to living an emotionally healthy and happy life. Those who are bitter are hung up by their past dependency and those of us who are defensive about that bitterness are hung up by our current dependency. There is a better way. No dependency. (Sorry, the drumbeat continues 😳 )

The drum beat does continue….but I think it is good that it does because we in the church (maybe in other churches too) get confused about what love is and how we give it and it confuses all those boundaries about what is mine and what is yours. And it is so key with regards to our emotional/spiritual health to know how to protect ourselves around people with unheathy stuff without having to end every relationship with people who have normal human struggles.

In the end, we’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve been given. The worst thing that can happen is that we forget the core of the gospel is about loving our neighbors; that doesn’t mean love only those we agree with.

I too think this is key. The following comes to mind: “When persons manifest the least kindness and love to me, O what power it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the human mind.”

You never know what positive changes your kindness will evoke.