Do gooder friends – gotta love ’em

Anyway, my point is that going behind someone’s back, calling their bishop, and then pretending like you did nothing is not an effective way of reactivating people like me. It may work for some people, but one of my biggest issues in life is my skeptical nature, and I sure don’t like people, and especially not church leaders, that do “the right thing” for the wrong reason. Does this make any sense at all, or am I just being silly?

From a typical TBM perspective, it makes perfect sense. “We” are taught that there is almost nothing more important than to work on converting/activating others. The paradigm is important for any organization to survive and grow.

One of the problems I have with that paradigm though is that it instills an attitude that “others” are more important than self. When you are taught and believe that it is important to get outside yourself and take care of others, “you” get left behind…and your own spirituality suffers. It creates a very codependent culture that has hope and expectations for how another chooses to live. It often leads to much disappointment because we ALL have our own journey, and theirs might not be what “you” think it should be. I really think this is the main reason for double the national average of antidepressants used in the LDS culture.

When you work on yourself, not focusing on fixing others, life is much more predictable and acceptable; there is much more inner peace and joy. I also believe it allows a more personal relationship with God…because it is okay to do the kinds of things that allow you to develop that relationship, and feel the Spirit.

Of course service is important; but from the perspective that you are doing it TRULY to help another, with no expectation of being seen or thanked. Like with so many other things, sometimes it is best to allow another to be inactive, so they can experience what they need to alone — sorta like the mother hen watching the young chick struggle to peck their way out of the shell. If “mom” helps, the chick doesn’t develop the necessary strength to live the rest of its life. That is the only real way to do it from love rather than from fear…and that’s the true spirit of the process, IMHO.

Anyway, that doesn’t directly help your situation…but I find it helps me to understand where the stage three-ers are coming from — doing the best they can with what they know. And most TBMs are stage three-ers. The best thing to do is just respect them, love them, and don’t let their behaviors affect you. That is easiest when you are completely and confidently living your life as only YOU know it to be right.

Good luck!

Do gooder friends – gotta love ’em NOT!

I establish my level of involvement in the church (not my friends). I decide if I wish to interview for a temple recommend (not my friends). I decide if I choose to pay tithing (not my friends). We are adults in a household of faith. We should be treated as equals, fully capable of establishing our own agency. I will not be bullied (I’m much to old for that). I continuously evaluate the goodness which comes from the church to me. I try to return service for same unconditionally. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. The older I get the more I conclude our paths through mortality are very much a singular route. True family may be near, but we alone choose YES/NO as a viable answer. Once my kids marry, I don’t try to make decisions for them, that was the ‘alternate plan’ as I recall, the father of which was…

That is pretty much how I feel as well. Of course we are here to help one another, but I don’t support sneaking around behind the backs of others. I make my own choices, but I have no right to decide whats right for anyone else. And your point about this being a singular route through mortality is exactly how I feel…especially right now. Thanks for responding.

Wendell what bothers me the the MOST is that your home teachers haven’t been around at all except when apparently “ordered” directly to do so probably by the Elders Quorum president or Bishop. I have been in your situation twice in my life, both were quite extended times of not going to church up to a year (Sunday morning is a very excellent time to weed in the garden –only in the summer of course — and I found that interestingly a very spiritual and quietening time for me that eventually led me back once I could control my anger and emotions). IF your friend was following the correct protocol he should have been contacting the EQ president and it would then be your home teachers who contacted the Bishop so though your friend did initiate the whole process he may not have gone directly to the Bishop himself if that is any consolation. Having been in several EQ presidencies my experience is that inactive members, particulary priesthood holders, come up for regular discussion on how the EQ can help and support the person. At its best it is a supportive, loving reaching out, at its worst it is meddling motivated by a sense of duty. However, it IS going to happen to you and it is an honest kind of caring in most cases.

I don’t think you are being silly but in practical terms you may as well get used to it.

Hi Wendell

First let me say that you have permission to be silly all you want. Your friend I think had honest motivation I guess we will find out if your home teachers had honest motivation if they show up again this month. I would suggest that you hook up with your EQ President and offer to go out on some of their service projects, let that be your “Sunday work” it will have the dual effect of helping other people and helping you to have relationship with the other men that is friendly, supportive and fun. It will also communicate that you care about the Ward and are a real person rather than just a statistic or a project.

Do gooder friends are probably just trying to atone for some misdeed in their past, to assuage their own guilt by making you a human sacrifice. Nothing wrong with that, in a sense, but there’s an underbelly to altruism that gets overlooked sometimes, and there it is.

Daisy it isn’t like spying when it is done in love and honest committment by Home Teachers or Visiting Teachers who really do the job and become family friends and participate in your life. I know that doesn’t happen all that frequently but it does happen and when it does then the HT and VT designations become irrelevant and as the years go by and new assignments to different families take place (as each set of EQ or RS presidencies change it seems) and you no longer have those people as HTs or VTs they are still there and they are still supporting you and you them whenever needed and just as important when nothing is needed.

On the other hand if they come in the last week of the month if at all then we are back to Hawkgirls, “underbelly of altruism”. However even this level of service can be crucial in difficult or hard working times and shouldn’t just be seen as spying. In practical terms unless there is a good reason to report and ask for help for your family most often the reporting back (the spying report in this sense) simply doesn’t get done.