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Hello all! I have a question and I hope I can recieve some words of wisdom. ( Well I know I can ) Long story short .. DH wants to be a Chaplin (LDS – which he rightfully deserves to be b/c he is Mormon! Born and raised in the Church TBM!). That means The Wife (Thats me) needs to be on board, with the program etc.
Interviews for the process have been temporarily stopped as of about a month ago. (Bishop, Stake President, GA) The meetings have obviously been placed on hold b/c The minute I think I believe something it changes .. – I’m more positive, than I was back in Jan. when my crisis began, but just a tad bit insane when it comes to explaining or understanding personally what exactly “I think” to myself let alone another human being.
It becomes even more difficult when that other person thinks there is something terribly wrong with you. ( Or it at least seems that way, as in I must be – Sinning, Lazy, Not praying hard enough, Having too much pride)
DH would like us (Him and I) to have a meeting with, if I’m not mistaken, our Stake President … Skipping over the Bishop (that might be wrong-could be Bishop but I’m 90% sure it’s the Stake President) b/c “Our” situation is quite serious.
DH has mentioned the meeting is for HIM and I – B/C he personally would like advice on how to reach the level of Chaplin-As he believes he is not righteous enough at times. I fear the meeting is for none other than myself. I trust DH and love him .. I just feel a slight sense of fear .. As if I will be walking into some sort of “Confession” .. Which I’m not sure if I can deal with at this time. Like I said, I am much much more positive in my “Faith-ness” BUT emotion/connection wise with The Church, I still have some anger and saddness. I do not enjoy crying or being upset in front of people. I tend to shut down .. Silent treatment when I feel tears coming on/or even with extreme anger.
This is a “Check-up” advice meeting. A take it (advice) or leave it kind of thing.(I hope) I know only I can say if I am ready or not. Have any of you been asked by spouses to attend such a meeting? How do you hold to boundaries? I fear this meeting could make things worse, then again I might be standing behind all of this “Fear” for no reason! This whole journey really is very important to me! .. I take my “New” views very seriously and personally .. and I don’t want to jump the gun .. in any way .. including putting “Anything” “Out there” for analysis.
Lalalove I am a bit confused about the “Chaplin” idea which I don’t see as anything in the standard LDS church. The only Chaplins that I am aware of are our Military Chaplins in the armed services, is that what he is looking at? If so I seem to recall that the Church is not all that excited about such appointments (probably because Military Chaplins are expected to provide an ecumenical, open kind of service appropriate to all kinds of believers) and if this is what this is about that could be the problem with the delay.
I do agree with your nervousness, going to see the Stake President on any terms makes sweat break out and a team of knawing, clawing chipmunks loose in my stomach
😯 . IF this meeting is about DH then your best approach is to say as little as possible and be the supportive DW (you seem to think this would be a good thing for DH, is that really so?). However if they are setting this up to get you into a tricky meeting then I think I would walk out before it gets you emotional. A “confrontation” is no way to handle a faith crisises and no one should sneak one up on anyone.Yes it is for the military. I do believe a meeting will possibly help him personally with getting advice on future goals etc. – I would be there for support in a heartbeat! It is definately on delay b/c I am in a “Faith Crisis”. Being an LDS Chaplin you will be a spokesperson for The Church, they expect you to be fully on board and for your spouse to be as well.
Dh has to go up the chain of command and so do I – We believe the interviews must also be seperate – To get the Churches support you both need to be interviewed from Bishop to Stake President to GA AND obviously there will be plenty of questions to be answered. I’m not sure if they are more “Faith” based or “Support” based.
We have disscussed it as being just an open conversation .. Maybe get some advice .. Explain where I am at (?) .. Explain where DH is at and where he might want to be someday. However my situation isn’t exactly “Simple”, which does scare me quite a bit. Really I have the power to discuss what I want and want I do not want to discuss, I know that, it just might be difficult b/c I don’t mind being honest at this point .. Which at times isn’t pretty/ added in with my anger and saddness. Bombarding me with “Help” or persuding DH in anyway to “Work Harder” on me, hopefully won’t happen-I fear that that approach will make things much worse! As of right now I believe DH and I are doing wonderful with eachother – Outside advice never hurts .. As long as it is healthy advice. I’m not afraid for myself .. moreso for DH .. I don’t like the idea that I can be “Fixed” and I have a bad feeling that it could be reinforced – This hasn’t happened but I kind of expect it, which is wrong of me but I can’t help it.
I suppose the main thing at stake here is how will/would this affect those being served. With respect LLL, I couldn’t help but notice that you haven’t mentioned those being served at all. Is it in the best interest of those being served that their Chaplin’s family is going through a faith crisis? I don’t know and wouldn’t attempt to answer that but it may be something worth considering for their sakes.
Is your DH seeking the office to serve others or is there status involved?
No offence intended…just sayin…
Hmm, I’m also confused as to why you need to go at all…and it does sound like a bit of a trap to me. But I’ve seen weird things happen when a person is in a “faith crisis” (according to tbm members), and “tricks” are consistent with “the end justifies the means” thinking. But if I put my old bishop hat on, perhaps Bruce is right that they just want to know that he is supported, and that the “family” will be okay if he takes on this new calling…. You know, the priesthood has to be supported.
But my new skeptical, “faith more in self than others” attitude doesn’t like the smell of this, and I think I would probably say “no honey, this is your thing and I support whatever you feel you should do.”
IOW, keep me out of it!
Thanks Lalalove that clears up the situation. Bruce said this:
Quote:Is it in the best interest of those being served that their Chaplin’s family is going through a faith crisis? I don’t know and wouldn’t attempt to answer that but it may be something worth considering for their sakes.
And I understand where he is coming from but I want to come at it from the other direction. What you are going through is something your husband is going to run into with the people he is going to be serving, they have lots of real life, quite horrific at times, examples of the problem “How can a good God allow all of this to happen?” So I think you are an asset in this kind of preparation and not a drawback. I guess you need to keep in mind that you need to keep trying, you will come through this and from my sense of what you are like you will be a better person for it (that doesn’t mean that you will turn into a TBM by any means, nor that you will leave the church in a very conscious, thoughtful, unagry frame of mind). As I have said in other posts I wouldn’t go back, the old me was too self confident, arrogant, homophobic and I like to say “mildly racist” but have come to recognize that racism is like preganancy you either are or aren’t. I have hopefully come out the other side of all of those and I even love and respect Joseph Smith even more than I did when he as the object of a rather mindless “he is the prophet” approach actually BECAUSE of his weaknesses and gaffs.
So be careful, be honest, but you don’t have to explain everything either.
Go and be supportive if you really believe this is what he wants and are OK with it. If it turns to you and your testimony, tell them that you love and can support your husband fully in this effort. If it persists and starts to get “pressuring” – say something like: “I support him fully and believe he will be a wonderful chaplain. I am working through my own beliefs, but they won’t affect his performance at all. I am with him 100%.”
If it still persists, very quietly and respectfully stand up, excuse yourself and walk out of the room – repeating that you support him fully and will talk with him when they are done. Don’t raise your voice; don’t get emotional; simply leave and wait for him in the hallway or waiting area or car.
Summary – same as in the thread about bitter family members:
Don’t take it personally. Don’t let it become about you; it’s about him.
Bruce in Montana wrote:I suppose the main thing at stake here is how will/would this affect those being served. With respect LLL, I couldn’t help but notice that you haven’t mentioned those being served at all.
Is it in the best interest of those being served that their Chaplin’s family is going through a faith crisis? I don’t know and wouldn’t attempt to answer that but it may be something worth considering for their sakes.
Is your DH seeking the office to serve others or is there status involved?
No offence intended…just sayin…
Yes, that is why I believe The Church (kind of) wants both spouses to be your “Standard” TBM – To put it lightly.❗ So those being served are being “Helped” through a Chaplin who understands/respects/follows the fullness of The gospel AND also by having a Chaplin whos wife, HIS main support/second opinion/advice giver, also understands/respects/follows the fullness of The Gospel. Although I KNOW I can fully support and give great advice .. If my DH asks of it – The Church honestly might not think I AM the best form of support, according to their standars .. If lets say I can’t hold a TR or If I have major issues with Core Doctrine.DH Loves to talk to people, loves to help “Organize” peoples lives. He is a strong people person. Maybe myslef, being his wife, is a little too close to home BUT he is truly trying and being amazing to me through this process. From what I’ve seen and heard of my DH there seems to be no status involved – Only extra motive is .. No deployments for 3 + years.
Rix wrote:Hmm, I’m also confused as to why you need to go at all…and it does sound like a bit of a trap to me. But I’ve seen weird things happen when a person is in a “faith crisis” (according to tbm members), and “tricks” are consistent with “the end justifies the means” thinking.
But if I put my old bishop hat on, perhaps Bruce is right that they just want to know that he is supported, and that the “family” will be okay if he takes on this new calling…. You know, the priesthood has to be supported.
But my new skeptical, “faith more in self than others” attitude doesn’t like the smell of this, and I think I would probably say “no honey, this is your thing and I support whatever you feel you should do.”
IOW, keep me out of it!
To this little “Extra” meeting? – I’m not really sure why I have to go- For support, of course. For self, umm I’m not sure if I’m ready or actually I’m not really sure if I feel it is nessessary at all. Then again DH kind of thinks I need to get some sort of ball rolling and that I should let The Church know where I am at in a sense – For advice .. He says. Take it or leave it. In short I honestly think this is a meeting to bring out some testimony configuring in myslef – AND it is also for my DH, that thinks he is not righteous enough to hold the title of Chaplin quite yet, get motivation and guidance. DH has a good way of saying – What is there to hide? .. Lets get the Ball Rolling .. IOW start with telling the proper authorities that I have serious doubts .. And start with him getting advice on becoming more “Chaplin-Like”.Bill Atkinson wrote:Thanks Lalalove that clears up the situation.
Bruce said this:
Quote:Is it in the best interest of those being served that their Chaplin’s family is going through a faith crisis? I don’t know and wouldn’t attempt to answer that but it may be something worth considering for their sakes.
And I understand where he is coming from but I want to come at it from the other direction. What you are going through is something your husband is going to run into with the people he is going to be serving, they have lots of real life, quite horrific at times, examples of the problem “How can a good God allow all of this to happen?” So I think you are an asset in this kind of preparation and not a drawback. I guess you need to keep in mind that you need to keep trying, you will come through this and from my sense of what you are like you will be a better person for it (that doesn’t mean that you will turn into a TBM by any means, nor that you will leave the church in a very conscious, thoughtful, unagry frame of mind). As I have said in other posts I wouldn’t go back, the old me was too self confident, arrogant, homophobic and I like to say “mildly racist” but have come to recognize that racism is like preganancy you either are or aren’t. I have hopefully come out the other side of all of those and I even love and respect Joseph Smith even more than I did when he as the object of a rather mindless “he is the prophet” approach actually BECAUSE of his weaknesses and gaffs.
So be careful, be honest, but you don’t have to explain everything either.
Yes, I definately think my crisis is kind of a positive – That he can use and teach from/understand better etc. B/C I can say with some certainty that he has no idea what it’s like to be near rockbottom when it comes to giving up all faith. I have .. And I hate to say it but Throwing out the Baby with the Bathwater isn’t your only option … I didn’t do it. Hope and Faith .. There are so many options so many examples of getting it back, redefining it, changing it and growing it – And if one of your closest friends (your DH or DW) happens to be one of them .. it helps.Old-Timer wrote:Go and be supportive if you really believe this is what he wants and are OK with it. If it turns to you and your testimony, tell them that you love and can support your husband fully in this effort. If it persists and starts to get “pressuring” – say something like:
“I support him fully and believe he will be a wonderful chaplain. I am working through my own beliefs, but they won’t affect his performance at all. I am with him 100%.”
If it still persists, very quietly and respectfully stand up, excuse yourself and walk out of the room – repeating that you support him fully and will talk with him when they are done. Don’t raise your voice; don’t get emotional; simply leave and wait for him in the hallway or waiting area or car.
Summary – same as in the thread about bitter family members:
Don’t take it personally. Don’t let it become about you; it’s about him.
Thank you. It is about him. Then again, The Church does have the mantra about Husband and Wife being one. In this example .. It really is about both of us, or so that is what DH has explained it as being!I agree, my beliefs really won’t affect his performance. I think I honestly can help with things Mormon and things not Mormon.
I know what The Church wants, I know what they expect – Even if I don’t personally agree .. I know the “Right” answers. So I can still give advice in that sense and in things Un-Mormon. If that makes sense!
I wouldn’t raise my voice, more like look at the wall and cry – Walking out would be difficult. BUT I would do it if the conversation was becoming damaging.
Do you think I should have a seperate meeting about “My testimony” if it comes up and I get emotional .. Or are you saying I should just meet with my husband after and have a personal meeting when I am ready at a later date?
I don’t think you need a separate meeting for yourself. It’s him that will be the chaplain, and it’s the two of you who will have to work things out. This will sound kind of odd, perhaps, but “you” as an individual aren’t an issue here, imo. “You” as half of the whole that is your relationship with your husband is the issue – and being supportive and non-destructive is VERY different than being a staunch, conservative, typical member. I think it’s reasonable to want a Mormon chaplain’s wife to hold a temple recommend, for example, but it’s not reasonable to go beyond that and ask questions that aren’t required for the recommend interview.
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