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Some of you have read my introduction. I am grateful to those of you that have been supportive of me and my challenges. I have to be honest I like how I felt previous to having doubt about the church. Things seemed more simple. Black and white is so much easier to think. Now I feel so much more numb. I like having 100% belief and trust in the church and it’s leaders. I liked following with blinders. I didn’t have to question or interpret the doctrine like I do now. I used to watch conference. I looked forward to priesthood meeting. This year I didn’t even go. I wanted a break. I’m still struggling with my feelings, but the spirit I once felt seems to have left. The problem is I can’t go back to that state of mind. I know more now and whether I like it or not I’m where I’m at. Tonight I almost emailed a letter to my bishop expressing some of my concerns. My wife convinced me not to. She said that I had too much pressure and didn’t need to add to it. She also said I need to give it time to let things settle; encouraging me to keep my calling and continue going to church.
Have or do any of you feel the same way?
I’m exactly in your boat. I watched the PBS special “The Mormons” the other night. It was actually pretty good. I felt that they didn’t shy away from the real history of the church, although they didn’t have time to really get into a lot of the details. I thought that they also did a good job trying to portray the devotion of TBMs, too good, in fact. The TBMs they interviewed often came across as a bit overzealous and fanatical (although I realize TBMs are all those things, and I was too).
Segments on the devotion of mormons really increased my cognitive dissonance (missionary experience, importance of families). The program portrayed things how people outside the church view us (which was enlightening), while at the same time I was able to remember what it was like as a TBM. The segments reminded me of what is frustrating me – the church isn’t what it portrays itself to be. The beliefs of the church are beautiful and wonderful (mostly, minus a few pet issues, such as feminist issues and homophobia, etc.), but it isn’t what it promised it was. I want to believe it! Life was so clear and straightforward when I believed. But I can’t. . . It’s not “T”rue, not like they promised it was.
I’m struggling with how much to share with ecclesiastical leaders as well. My temple recommend recently expired and I know they are going to ask us to come in to renew it soon. DW has decided that she is going to try politely declining having her recommend renewed. Sometimes I think I’d like to just decline renewing it as well. On the other hand, I am ward financial clerk and the calling requirements are that one is worthy of a temple recommend, so I think it will turn into a big deal if I try to decline getting a temple recommend. So then I think about doing my best to rephrase the questions in my mind so I can answer the questions, but I’m not sure I can do it through two interviews, and the question is sure to come up as to why DW doesn’t want a temple recommend. On top of this, they are currently rearranging the Bishopric and we have no idea who the Bishop or counselors are going to be (something is fishy with the approval process, though, because we haven’t had a Bishop for nearly a month and we are currently functioning under direction of the Stake President. The Bishop was a graduate student who finished his PhD and moved on to a new position, so he had to be released.)
Quote:I wanted a break. I’m still struggling with my feelings, but the spirit I once felt seems to have left. The problem is I can’t go back to that state of mind.
I think I felt this way. I totally wanted a break and I think God knew I needed one. For me, it was deciding what exactly I needed a break from. Was it the church or was it my way of thinking about the church and myself? And now that I think about it, goodness sakes! My thinking was down right painful and confining and smoothering!
I also have felt that I didn’t wanted to go back to “that” state of mind. For me, I didn’t want to go back to seeing everything and everyone in blacks and whites. I found that it was a confining place where my faith and my love couldn’t grow and a place where I didn’t feel much love in return. My way of thinking about things I don’t think was very Christ like even though I defined myself by trying so hard to “be good”. Now I see that I never needed to do that.
I think I kinda went away from all of it the good and the bad cuz I couldn’t separate it out properly. I even toyed with being an athiest as I wanted all of religion out of my life completely! My therapist describes this as a necessary pendulum swings. They help us get unstuck, but they don’t necessarily tell us where we will settle as the pendulum only rests in the center….not in either extreme.
For me, I couldn’t be happy without the gospel or the spirit. Leaving it all was a very lonely cold and fearful experience for me. I couldn’t necessarily accept it either as long as I thought Christ was a myth. And so I just stayed my course trying on lots of hats and lots of ways of thinking and I finally decided to let peace determine my course. I would go where I felt the most peace and the most balance. Slowly it feels like all my puzzle peices are coming back into formation…..better formations than I had before I hope. Just recently my feelings/concerns about Christ have been soothed and broadened. And as I look at the church in terms of gospel principles, I seem to do better with living it. Coming to terms with the culture and how I fit with these new ideas…..well, I still gotta work on that. I am just trying to allow myself space to be happy where I am at today and not worry about getting to all my destinations.
Best wishes. Sounds like you might be need a little pendulum swinging too.
The outer journey of “following the prophet” or church laws is certainly easier than the inner jouney. Like growing up, we take responsibility for our own interpretations and beliefs and actions. I think it is natural to have a kind of fond longing for the way things used to be-ei. not being fully responsible for yourself. This is what we see in the story of the children of Isreal who didn’t want to become prophets themselves. They wished to be told what to do by Moses-one prophet. In the end, they lost the light they were given and the higher priesthood (and Moses) were taken from them.
I think the scriptures are telling us that we are supposed to learn to discern for ourselves and rely on the Spirit, not any other man or woman.
Poppyseed, great advice! I love the idea that the extremes get us unstuck. Kinda like what paradox is supposed to do. I love finding paradox in life and scripture now.
godlives wrote:Some of you have read my introduction. I am grateful to those of you that have been supportive of me and my challenges. I have to be honest I like how I felt previous to having doubt about the church. Things seemed more simple. Black and white is so much easier to think. Now I feel so much more numb. I like having 100% belief and trust in the church and it’s leaders. I liked following with blinders. I didn’t have to question or interpret the doctrine like I do now.
I used to watch conference. I looked forward to priesthood meeting. This year I didn’t even go. I wanted a break. I’m still struggling with my feelings, but the spirit I once felt seems to have left. The problem is I can’t go back to that state of mind. I know more now and whether I like it or not I’m where I’m at. Tonight I almost emailed a letter to my bishop expressing some of my concerns. My wife convinced me not to. She said that I had too much pressure and didn’t need to add to it. She also said I need to give it time to let things settle; encouraging me to keep my calling and continue going to church.
Have or do any of you feel the same way?
Exactly. I’m exactly feeling the same way. I took a break from Priesthood session. I also watched Sunday morning session at home with the family, and then I took my boys to the park and skipped the Sunday afternoon session while my wife and daughters watched the afternoon session. I felt great about it.I miss the good old Stage 3 days also. I didn’t like much of the stage 4 upheaval and tried for months to figure out how to go back…I don’t think I can either. I think I have to move forward, not go backward. I think that will be a good thing. I think it can be a great thing for you too.
PS – I think your wife is full of wisdom…you outta listen to her!
It was easier that way … a lot easier and more simple. I totally feel for you. There’s no going backwards though. The relief comes from pressing forward through this “dark night of the soul.” For what it’s worth, we all still feel this at times no matter how much peace and resolution we have found. It gets easier though. Hang on! Keep looking for the light farther down the path.
*Big forum hugs to you*
Quote:Tonight I almost emailed a letter to my bishop expressing some of my concerns. My wife convinced me not to. She said that I had too much pressure and didn’t need to add to it. She also said I need to give it time to let things settle; encouraging me to keep my calling and continue going to church.
I think your wife is right on. Yes, I think all of us have felt more or less this way at some time or other. I don’t feel this way currently, but I know that sometimes a break or time to allow a shift to happen is necessary. Things will get better. Life is in a constant state of flux. Stability is the illusion.
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