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[Mod note: shifted to “Support” forum section] I am not sure if this forum is the right place for me or not. But here it goes. My husband was sexually abused as a child (by a male). He was only 5 or 6 years old when this happened and never told anyone. We have been married 9 years and have 2 kids and he is finally letting out some of his pain he has carried for so long. First that he was sexually abused and second that he has SSA as a result. He has struggled to go to church but still has a testimony. He is struggling with depression and he feels guilty for even going to church – like he isn’t worthy. It makes me upset. He was a victim. He didn’t choose this. Anyways, I love him a lot, obviously, and I guess I am just looking for support or any insight anyone has with someone dealing with SSA and the church. Thanks.
I’m sorry to hear about you and your husband’s struggles. I hope that you are able to find the support you need here. It sounds like your husband could use some professional counseling to work through the pain and trauma he has experienced. I have not heard many positive stories about LDS family services, especially when SSA is involved. I would suggest finding an outside medical professional. I have heard that the group, Affirmation, is useful for SSA mormons. I have not had any direct experience with them, but you may want to check them out for additional support.
My heart goes out to you and him. I wish you the best, is your husband at a point where he is trying to get help and ask? If not unfortunately there isn’t a lot YOU can do for him. It might take him another 9 years before he is ready to take steps. good luck. You might want to confide in your bishop, as they have funds specifically for this kind of counseling, again it just all depends on your husband though.
Emele, So glad you posted here. This is a topic we discuss alot on this group. I have a 27 year old son with SSA and wrote a book about our unusual story that may help you and your husband. I would be happy to send you a free ebook privately. Link to my book is: http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail.aspx?bookid=12053 I have had 10 years of learning and dealing with this issue and would be happy to be your friend. This is not an easy thing. I have a very good friend in Denmark who was very abused as a child and is bi-sexual. He heads an abuse forum that is great for those with this issue. I will find out where it is. Here are some otheres I just googled.
http://www.aftersilence.org/ http://www.members.tripod.com/~poetrypal/recoveryforum.html http://www.sssalas.com/EmotionalHealing.html http://www.sssalas.com/EmotionalHealing.html Here is also another very good group that has special groups for spouses and men etc. that is lds and
http://northstarlds.org/resources_spouses.php Welcome, Emele, and good luck! Hopefully you find much support here. I know you should feel comfortable to talk it out here and I hope you will. Although I’m not blessed with SSA, I have struggled with feeling worthy of anything in my life. It’s a crappy place, but it is not the destination, just one stop in our journey to something better. And I really feel for your personal plight and the journey, though it sounds as though you’re willing to make it happen the way that it should.
Bless the both of you! What a difficult thing to struggle with. As a mother, my heart goes out to your husband. I think you’ve already gotten great advice. Keep loving him. Showing him that he is worthy and wonderful. I agree that counseling and maybe even a support group could be very beneficial.
And welcome!
My heart always goes out to people with traumatic histories. Those who would harm a child……I cannot comprehend it! And it takes so much courage to finally tell the truth! My heart also goes out to you. I hope you are strong enough to take care of yourself and detach from his process when you need to. You can’t fix this and you shouldn’t feel that you have too. He has to take responsibility for his healing and for learning better ways of dealing with trauma.
I hope you both are getting support in terms of therapy and other education. I hope you both can learn to see these problems in better perspectives. There is no need in the gospel of JC to feel unworthy because of abuse. Period! BUT……Satan is a mean cuss!! And he uses abuse to torment. And sadly, I think he uses the gospel and the church and church culture to beat us to a a pulp too!
I wonder if it might be ok if he didn’t worry so much about the church right now. Knowing your H keep the secrets for so long, it wouldn’t surprise me if all the years had really tangled your H’s thinking in regards to self and his gospel understanding. I would think he current thoughts are so schewed to pick up shame messages that involving the church or reconciling the church just wouldn’t be helpful at this stage. I mean, he is just now allowing the shameful truth to come to the surface! I think God loves us SO MUCH that it is more important to him that we learn to love ourselves and see our selves correctly and if that means putting all the rest away for a time, then I think He supports it. There will always be time to pick the church up again and look at with healthier eyes and more loving views.
There is hope and healing and answers. Christ is real. Believing the truth about ourselves is just as important as any gospel truth. And its ok to stop, rest, and start over. I know my thinking needed some serious deconstructing before I could even think about building my house upon the rock!
BLessings and love!
I feel for you and your husband so much – even more than you could possibly imagine. This is definitely one of the most difficult things any person could ever deal with, and I am so glad you still love and support him. Being a victim of abuse, and then having to deal with SSA is EXCEPTIONALLY tough, as I know very well. There are no easy answers, but I will tell you that most Bishops and Stake Presidents offer very little if any help in this area. Some of the greatest help that I have gotten has come from a few wonderful people on this board. Thank you so much for taking the time to write here, and please continue to do so. Wendell
I am at a loss for better advice than has already been given. I can only extend my best wishes and love. Your husband isn’t unworthy or defective. He suffered a terrible trauma. I am glad you are being so loving and compassionate about it. I pray he can find healing now that he seems ready to bring this to the surface and confront it. We are here to listen and offer what feedback we can.
emele wrote:First that he was sexually abused and second that he has SSA as a result.
Hi Emele. So much good advice here, I don’t want to detract. I wish both of you the best in this challenging time.
Unfortunately, there is soooo much misunderstanding about homosexuality. Even those that know the most, still don’t understand all there is to know. I certainly don’t!
But I want to point out that the statement you wrote above has many theories. That “SSA results from childhood abuse” is not as cut and dried as some think. Yes, there is a higher than expected correlation between childhood abuse and those that profess SSA as adults. The link between the two events has many possibilities that have been discussed in science, and many compelling possible causes that are too complex to digest here. Suffice it to say that most experts in the field do NOT believe the abuse “causes” SSA.
The reason this may be helpful to you and your husband is to possibly help you accept that the way he is may in fact be completely natural for him. Understanding this may allow you to heal from unnecessary pain. The theory is that if his “condition” is seen as a disease, or an unnatural behavior, the guilt and shame is much different than if you see it as a normal variation of the human condition.
I hope that helps…and I sincerely wish you the best in your healing processes!
emele, Finally talked to my friend in Denmark to get the link he recommends for your husband. http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=cfrm http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/twist-of-faith/ God bless your hearts. Bridget
Thanks for all your replies. It is comforting just to talk some things out. We both have a great counselor that we see as needed (BTW not affiliated with the church). For some reason this week has been hard for me. I am starting to “process” things and face my fears and then try to discuss these things with my husband. As you may imagine some of my fears are not very pleasant and it really sucks to talk it through and causes my husband pain, hurt and anger regarding some of my thoughts, feelings and fears. But I am convinced it is part of my process and I have to go through it to get to a better place. I feel a little better emotionally now though. I hope it stays. I guess at first I was worried that my relationship could be a lie to my husband. I just started doubting everything. BUT I know that is not the case and my husband has assured me that it is not the case. I hope things will stay good. We are both still communicating and that is good. I guess marriage does require faith, hope, love, patience and endurance. I hope we both can make it through this time now for a better day. emele, I know this is long after your entry so much has likely changed, and I am not sure you will see this.
I was married to a gay woman for 16 and half years. I still love her and we are good friends live close and work together as parents and friends. Our kids are doing great, 4 of them. I know some of your struggle and pain.
I highly recommend Affirmation for him and for you. One of the things that it is really difficult for a spouse of a gay person in the church is finding support for you. Your husband needs support, but you really do to. There are reasons that your husband is not ready to share his orientation openly, but the term in the closet really feels like you are in the closet. You are in the closet to and it is painful to keep secretes. You need to find a place where you can be totally honest about who you are and the real beauty of your marriage. For me it was very painful to go to church and pretend that my marriage was the same as all others. I believe my relationship with my spouse was always a very beautiful thing and still is, but to always be secretive about the reality of that beauty of it makes it feel like something to be ashamed of.
You may find North Star as a positive place, I did not. I believe the biggest help to our relationship and true progress for my wife’s self-esteem was gaining the understanding and embracing the fact that God created her Gay and that it was not a malignancy or a mistake. At North Star they are loving, well meaning people, but they embrace the idea that homosexuals will be cured and need to be cured. There is no president for this. I have never met a gay person that holds this philosophy that does not struggle with self hatred. When someone in the marriage is struggling with self hatred it makes the challenges of marriage very difficult, maybe almost impossible.
I highly recommend the book “No More Goodbyes” by Carolyn Pierson. I must admit that I cried all the way throw, but it was very up lifting and helped me resolved many feelings.
I believe your husband’s passed abuse is real and important to deal with, but I think he will likely deal with it more effectively if he deals with it in and of its self. Because his sexual orientation is something that really is part of who he is. Yes he as well as we heterosexuals have a choice in our sexual behavior, but we do not have a choice in our orientation, and it has profound negative psychological effects to pretend we do. This is the root of the self hatred, when we insist we can change the parts of our selves that are chore characteristics. This is how Elder Wickman describes homosexuality and it is very appropriate. I believe God wants us to love what he has created in us. Please, continue to share here and find other places to share. I found on Affirmation an e-mail group called Family Fellowship, it literally saved my life.
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