Avoiding Spiritual Gluttony

Thanks Ray,

I understand this. I actually remarried several years after leaving a 17 year marriage to an LDS man who battered me. I met a man in Church. He was selling potatoes to raise money for the Scouts. His wife had suffered from schizophrenia just as my spouse had suffered and we had a lot to talk about. We dated for about years off and on.

We finally did get married. This was more of a friendship than a real romance and I have to admit that there was a lot of convenience involved. Just being with someone who did not suffer from severe mental illness seemed so wonderful. Things like actually being able to talk to someone who wasn’t screaming, for example.

After eight years of marriage and no intimacy, no friendship, no companionship, no partnership, no relationship at all, I divorced. We never fought, he was never home. You have to be home, you have to have a relationship to actually fight. He was married to the church. He had four church callings. His temple calling took all day on Saturday. He was on the ward activities committee and had to set up chairs for not just the Ward, but the entire Stake. That meant no going out on Friday or Saturday night. (I work every other week, 7 days on, 7 days off, nights). Wednesdays were reserved for Home Teaching, five single sisters, one hour visits per sister, extra help for those that needed it. Then there was his Sunday calling and raising money for the Scouts. We couldn’t sit together in Church because I worked in the nursery.

This would have been ok, but he visited Temple Square once per week to tour the Visitor’s Center and watch either Legacy or Testament. He saw those films at least 100 times. He loved the attention of the lovely young Lady Missionaries who would spend lots of time talking to him. He spent hours driving women to and from church and ended up having an affair with a married convert from Brazil because she refused to drive herself to church. She said that the missionaries always picked her up and drove her to church and then sat with her. She wouldn’t go to church unless someone picked her up and drove her to church – no driver’s license because she was an illegal immigrant. He ended up “helping” her so much. He baptized her daughter, took her daughter to the zoo etc. etc. Finally, he was asked to drive to Arizona to pick up one of her illegal alien children from a relatives. He spent three days with her driving to Arizona and back to Utah. This is how he was “helping” the new converts.

My husband did nothing for eight years but preach to me and quote verbatim missionary discussions. He constantly (and I mean constantly) showed me pictures of himself as a missionary and read me letters from families that he had converted. I honestly felt that I could never really bring him home from his mission. I hated this because I was a returned missionary and I memorized those exact same discussions. I wanted to be treated as his spiritual equal, not an investigator. He worshiped Gordon B. Hinkley and referred to him as a “legend” and a “celebrity”. We couldn’t go out for my birthday because President Hinkley passed away that week and he spent the evening in line for the viewing and the day watching the funeral.

He delivered Pizza part-time and would not get a full-time job with benefits (too busy with the church). I worked overtime to pay the bulk of the bills and was exhausted when Sunday came. We had a large mortgage in just my name and I paid most of it. I started having trouble paying tithing so I couldn’t go to the Temple. He always paid a full tithing and so was “worthy” to go to the temple. He bought a $28,000 car just six months after buying a $20,00 thousand dollar car. I was going insane trying to keep us from bankruptcy. He ran up $13,000 in credit card debt from buying gas and eating in expensive restaurants while I was at work. He said that the super hot car bought him respect and attention from young girls. He explained how her gave young girls rides all over the place, one young woman who had just paid from breast implants – (gees, she can afford breast implants, but can’t buy her own car).

I filed from divorce – had to pay him $30,000.00 out of my retirement for his share of equity in the house, plus pay off his $13,000.00 credit card debt because it was in my name. Yea, he paid a full tithing, but I couldn’t. I had to pay bills, buy groceries, pay for health insurance. My bishop determined him to be worthy to be a High Priest and hold a temple recommend, me not. I think that is when I started to feel a bit disaffectioned from the church.

Thanks for letting me vent. I think I really got angry when the Church presented itself as being “pro marriage”. I know so many friends who are divorced because their husbands were “married to the church”.

Wow Wallace,

Thanks so much for venting and sharing some of your story. It is a perfect example of what imbalance can do in our lives. What a bad nightmare you have had to go through in your life and I am glad you are out of that, although I can see that it was not without great costs. I can relate to your second marriage, although not to that extreme. This is one of the reasons I almost divorced two years ago myself. My husband is a workaholic, and over achiever and neglected me and the children for church callings as well. As I was reading what you said about your husbands, the thought ‘narcassitic’ came to mind. What selfish, egotisical describtions. Everything was about them and looking good to others. It can make you angry when everyone tells you how great your husband is, and what an unselfish, serving person he is in the ward and he gets upgraded to all these callings. But, it reminds me of the scripture in 1st Corninthians 13, how you can give all your money, time, and talents but if it is done with selfish motives it is done in vain. One of the things God told me about my husband was that he has withheld a testimony from him until he learns to find balance in his life. I do think alot of people in the church used their callings and work to avoid dealing with problems in the family. But, I also think this is a way of avoiding emotional intimacy as this is so difficult for them. Your second husband sounds like someone who had no self worth and was always trying to show how important he was and needed constant approval and affirmation to feel good about himself.

I can see why you could be disaffected from the churh by leaders not understanding your pain and what you have gone through and elevating him. I am soooo sorry.

Thanks, MWallace57. I loved your story. I think most of who have been active in the church all of our lives can relate, we know someone like you have described, your former husband.

I’d be interested to hear what people think about this question:

Do you think you can become unbalanced with TOO MUCH prayer and scripture study?

YES! This is kinda what I was talking about in my pp. I have children! It would actually be wrong and irresponsible of me to spend too much of my time studying the scriptures. I do think I can carry a prayer in my heart all the day long and be just fine, however being on my knees in prayer must be in balance.

We must engage in life. The scriptures are a guidebook to teach us how to live. If we don’t apply what we learn, what is the point?

Everyone has to find their balance. Sometimes it is found after experiencing the opposite!