telling family?

I am sorry that this has happened to you overit but it seems to be the common experience most of could say something like “been there, done that, didn’t work” I think that part of the psychology for the Stage 3 Mormons that you might want to discuss stuff with is simply protection and fear , they don’t want to hear about such things because they feel they might be vulnerable themseves.

So, don’t think of it as “artificial” to not talk about your concerns and ideas simply think of it as “realistic”. In some ways it is actually unfair to burden a Stage 3 believer with some of our issues and I am led to believe that once we have worked our way through Stage 5 and are once again more or less comfortable in our skin then we don’t even consider such approaches and appreciate the Stage 3s for what they are, the backbone of any Church (well maybe not backbone, maybe most of the bulk, hmm, i better not pursue this one). I’m not there yet but have a firm policy of keeping my mouth shut around TBMs, for conversation and thinking I come here.

Overit, I actually have dealt with this recently with family. Last week was the first time my family has started talking to me about the changes they’ve seen in me. Initially, they were shocked when I shared my doubts, and they immediately expressed worry about my future and where I’m headed. I had them yelling in my face to stop reading things on the Internet and focus on the scriptures. They were disappointed in me and I found out later some family went to my bishop to talk and were crying that Heber is on the road to apostacy and all is lost. That made me sad, but I honestly believe they don’t really understand me yet, so I will be patient with them and hope for the same in return.

The way I handled it was to just remain calm, and realize they just hear me say the words “doubt” or “don’t believe all the things church leaders say all the time” and that conjures up all kinds of evil thoughts about how wrong I am. They are taking a couple words and putting that into their framework of word meaning and then seem to extrapolate that out to a horrible outcome. It has taken me well over a year of studying things in depth to get to where I am today, and I don’t expect my family to understand me in a 15 minute conversation that starts with, “Well, are you reading Anti-Mormon literature?”

What I did was to turn the questions back on them (in a kind and honest way) and have them explain what they feel or why they worry for me (because I really want to know!), instead of being defensive and trying to explain what I’ve learned over months of study. When they asked me if I am no longer living the Word of Wisdom, I simply stated, “I still live it, but why is that important to you?” They asked me if I can see my testimony is fading, I responded, “I don’t think it is. I just think it is changing because God is trying to teach me something. What do I do differently now in my behavior about the church that bothers you?” I’m in very much a “show me” state of mind…I asked them to show me what I’m doing wrong, or show me what I should do that is right…and often many of their concerns just come down to “you just shouldn’t do that, trust me.” When I ask them to show me why…they have nothing that says don’t seek truth. Instead, I feel their worries are just that it doesn’t feel right to the TBM to have doubts…but if asked to clarify deeper why, there are no answers as to why, it is just because that’s the way it is. They told me I need to have faith, and I tried to tell them that is what I’m trying to do, have faith that God has something He’s trying to teach me.

For the most part, it has helped to keep the conversations civil because I honestly want to hear how they feel about me, but I have yet to hear anyone in my family really provide any good arguments that anything I’m doing is wrong. They just don’t agree with me, and I tell them that is ok, and I stress my love for them and for God, and feel God is helping me on my journey…and turned it back on them again to ask them if I’m seeking God’s help in my journey (even if they don’t like the direction I’m going), won’t the Spirit reveal truth to my soul? I sincerely hope some of them will provide some good arguments or materials for me to consider, because I’m seeking truth wherever I can find it…not just outside the church and not just inside the church.

That’s been my experience so far. I wouldn’t say I’m keeping things secret or private…I am just keeping a lot of things to myself until I understand it more. How can I explain my thoughts to them if I still don’t know what I think about things myself? I can’t, so I don’t try.

In the mean time, I move forward seeking ways to show the family I love them and the scriptures and teachings of Christ are important to me. I think some of my family will understand one day when they go through a rough time, and I believe others will never really understand because they will handle their rough times differently. I’m ok with that too.

Regardless of how different my family will think about things or experience things differently, I am committed to keeping relationships as good as they can be. I’m focusing on practicing LOVE, and gaining knowledge or understanding teachings or principles are all secondary to how I’m practicing love and finding peace by doing so.

I hope that helps by me sharing my recent approach to your questions.

This is all such wonderful advice and experience.

I tried the dramatic exit in an attempt to just break all the emotional bonds and get past the ugliness of a long, drawn out roller-coaster. I wouldn’t recommend this in most situations. My DW happens to be the most loving, kind, supportive, Christ-like person in the world so it worked for me. My parents were devastated but found a way to continue to love me. My in-laws simply disowned me. My siblings were very supportive though concerned and that has changed to just supportive over time.

The key is what the actual dilemma is. When we’re concerned so much for what others will say about us or think about us, this is when it’s difficult. I ripped the band-aid off quickly so I could force MYSELF not to be too concerned. Again, it worked for me but was painful. I will say though, for me, it was good pain. The kind that you learn from in deep, spiritual, meaningful ways.

Those emotional bonds are also what keep people in that stage 3 thinking. They’re just as concerned with their own image and that is why when confronted with this head on it is so traumatic. It really has nothing to do with you. They will say that all of their concern is for you and your future and your salvation and your family and your kids and your legacy but really, REALLY, it’s about them. Not you.

You have to find your path, and they have to find theirs. Just because they KNOW the right path doesn’t mean they’re right. You don’t have to tell them that but if you feel it, you can follow it. Either way, life will teach you.

Hi Overit,

So glad you shared your difficulties with us. Finding unconditional love and acceptance is not an easy thing in this world. I have had to learn this type of love myself from dealing with a son who came out to us as gay. It is important for us ‘spiritual’ strugglers to know that even if people do not agree with us, that they try to be loving and understanding of our struggle. This is why I love that saying by Steven Covey, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” I do believe fear is a huge thing with people in the church. To them your whole salvation is at stake. I saw this on my mission as well when we tried to teach Catholic members. Their families threatened them with no financial or emotional support if they even listened to us missionaries anymore. Such a fear of hell and loss of eternal salvation is in many faiths. Too many see God as a fearsome God who is ready to strike you if you disobey.

I remember when my husband first left the church about 2 years ago because he never felt like he got a spiritual witness that the BofM promised, he wondered if God still loved him or if he had done the right thing. I asked him if he has stopped loving his 3 children or thinks they are going to hell because they are not in the church. He got the point. I told him that if God is supposed to be more loving than us as mortal parents are with our children, then maybe we should not worry so much. I told him that all of us come into this world with this veil of forgetfullness just trying to figure things out. How can we be condemned for just trying to figure things out. But, it is scary to sail through life without an anchor. We all want that safe place we can count on when the storms of life get rough. I have found that Jesus Christ can be that only anchor in my life. But, in the church we are raised step by step that the church is true and baptism, endowment in the temple, and eternal marriage and enduring to the end is the only guarntee to become like God and achieve the celestial kingdom. So, getting off the path is serious business. So of course they feel they have to warn and admoish you of the seriousness of this. Also, it is too scary for them to look at this stuff for fear it might shake their faith. So much of this is programmed into members of the church. But, this is not what Christ taught and is not the gospel of fear.

Too many find it easier to live in denial like a wife that really does not want to know if her husband is cheating on her. Eventually, we all have to take our heads out of the sand because reality will hit us. So, I have never had problems with people questioning the church or gospel. My dad questioned and researched the church for 3 years before he joined. He always told us that when he joined the church, he told himself that if he finds out the church is false, he will just leave it. He was never afraid of knowing the truth. Joseph Smith himself, went from church to church and was questioning and trying to figure out what was truth, so why can’t we.

I do know the difficulty you are going through though. It took me over a year to come out and let my brother and sister in law know that my husband had left the church (again). We just did not want a bunch of lectures and discussions about the whole thing. Been there and done that. Most of our real friends understand that religion is a very personal thing between God and us and that only we, can figure this out for ourselves. My husband was in the high council when he left and he probably shocked alot of people as he was very active and participated with vigor. Fortunately, people and family members have been very nice to us and realize that gaining a testimony is not easy for everyone. Most of our family members and friends have had questions from time to time too and do not see that as a bad thing. Yes, they worry that we are into false information from anti-Mormon groups, but they know we are good people and not stupid. Just truth seekers.