a personal update

Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is trying to sell you something.

I hope things go well for you, friend. Thanks for the update.

Eu – all I can say is hang in there. The fact that things are looking up with DW is the best thing possible. MILs are MILs. I really do have a pretty strong feeling that control is the opposite of love, not hate or indifference. It’s one thing I like about the Mormon narrative of Satan wanting to control vs. Jesus giving free agency. It’s certainly one that many people struggle with. About 10 years ago my DH and I went to the Yucutan with my parents. We were at Tulum, and my mom really lit into my dad who was walking along pretending not to hear her because she was being a total lunatic. She screeched, “If you heard me, why don’t you mind me?” I said, “Jeez, mom, why don’t you carry some treats around with you and give dad one every time he does what you want him to?” My mom simmered down a bit after that (I think she realized she was being belligerent), and my dad thought it was pretty funny. At the heart of control is fear / insecurity. I suppose you have to find a way to address the insecurity & fear if you want to help the control freak quit freaking.

You said DW is Stage 4 – can you elaborate?

Yeah, I thought that was what Eu meant at first, but then I wasn’t sure. But, elsewhere Eu has said it’s not so much that his wife is a big TBM either, just that he always was that guy and now he isn’t. I was also wondering where she is on Fowler. Maybe she’s stage 3, but just not that gung-ho. Maybe Eu is irritating her in other ways. Let’s dissect Eu.

Mormon Therapist made the point that marriage is all about dealing with change. Change in our circumstances, change in our spouse, change in ourselves. It’s understandable for someone to feel like the rug was pulled out from under them, but if Eu hadn’t changed, something else would have. Change is inevitable. I often think of this phrase from (of all things), the book Dune: “I will bend like a reed.”

Sorry, Eu!

This is really helpful guys, thank you.

Let’s dissect Eu.

Yeah, I have been trying to do this for about 28 years now. It’s nice to have outside perspective.

But, elsewhere Eu has said it’s not so much that his wife is a big TBM either, just that he always was that guy and now he isn’t. I was also wondering where she is on Fowler. Maybe she’s stage 3, but just not that gung-ho. Maybe Eu is irritating her in other ways.

Yes, that’s true. She is definitely not TBM. In fact, when we do talk about it it seems to me we share many of the same views. I am definitely more skeptical than she is. She has more faith, but she readily acknowledges that it is faith, not knowledge. She is also familiar with most of the historical conundrums and is okay with them. I don’t know what to classify her as. Sometimes she shows brilliance of Stage 5 faith, and generally, I would probably say she is stage 5. But it would seem that she hasn’t applied the same stage 5 attitudes to other parts of her life. So maybe she is more like a non-motivated stage 3. I dunno for sure. She’s a very private person, and not very trusting, so it takes a lot to get her to open up.

Yes, as Orson said, I mean that her faith in me is stage 4 and that I am “all wrong” so to speak.

Maybe Eu was the foundation that allowed her own insecurities to be ok. Maybe having a suddenly shifting foundation scares the stuff out of her. Maybe . . .

Actually Ray, I think this is right on, and I think she would agree. She viewed me as her anchor. It’s true she didn’t hold the same views as I did, and I was overly controlling when it came to religious things (read: my insistence on each of us doing our own scripture reading, FHE, family scripture reading, temple attendance, etc.), but she knew I was a rock when it came to testimony. Now the foundation has been ripped out from under her.

Mormon Therapist made the point that marriage is all about dealing with change. Change in our circumstances, change in our spouse, change in ourselves. It’s understandable for someone to feel like the rug was pulled out from under them, but if Eu hadn’t changed, something else would have. Change is inevitable. I often think of this phrase from (of all things), the book Dune: “I will bend like a reed.”

Yes, I agree. I think many of us have a hard time with change. My wife is generally pretty good with circumstantial change, but change of this nature has not been easy for her to deal with. I hope the one on one sessions will help.

@Hawkgrrrl

Your thoughts on control resonate with me strongly and I think you’re right. I find that life is so much easier when I focus on controlling myself and trying to better myself and let others control themselves. It’s a lot less bookkeeping For now I’m content to let MIL be MIL and when she’s ready to talk I’ll be ready also.