Living Honestly?

Roma – Thanks for posting. I don’t know if I can answer your questions without really knowing you or your husband or all the particulars. So, in lieu of that, a few thoughts:

– There’s a big difference between behavior and belief, IMO. Some of what you are talking about are your DH’s beliefs, some are behaviors (WoW, although I don’t know how he’s interpreting it – there is some room for interpretation there, clearly). Personally, I think behavior is more important than belief for lay members. You choose your behaviors. Belief is sometimes more difficult to create where it doesn’t exist, but you can always choose to live a moral life, and you can choose to comply with the church’s standards.

– The notion that all members are in lock-step on belief is clearly not correct. There’s a lot of variance in belief. Doubtless some differences in belief would be difficult to reconcile with a high level calling. It sounds as though your DH doesn’t feel that his beliefs are at variance with a basic version of the gospel that he does accept (as you describe). Maybe he’s right or maybe he’s wrong. Hard to tell from what you have said. All members are “cafeteria Mormons” whether they know it and acknowledge it or not. It’s part of being human.

I’m thrilled to have you here. I also suggest reaching out to FacesEast, another site designed to provide support to spouses of the disaffected. Can you share more information on the specifics of your concern with your DH?

roma – you asked whether individuals here would consider your DH’s behavior hypocritical. I can share my perspective based on the information you gave. It’s hard to know what another person is thinking, but in my experience, many people who lose faith begin a process of self-justification. You say your DH leads the congregation – is he the bishop or BP? If so, that differs in my mind from being GD teacher or leading the Scouts or leading the music. I will base my answers on the assumption that he is either bishop or BP.

He is leading our congregation and yet does not teach his changing beliefs. He focuses on topics like love, service, forgiveness, etc. He feels that he is doing a lot of good for the members because of a mutual love and friendship and certain ways he is able to help them.

To me, this is a great example of how to approach his changed faith. He continues to respect the common ground between the church’s teachings and his partial faith in the same precepts.

He is on a journey and is not ready to share it with those that matter most- like our parents and church members.

I tend to agree with your DH on this. One’s spiritual journey is largely individual. We are accustomed to sharing because of testimony meetings, but it is an internal path. Each person (in Mormon terms) must work out his own salvation with fear and trembling before the Lord. Our paths are mostly irrelevant to others, even those closest to us. Spouses, though, IMO, should be able to discuss these things and provide support to one another. When one has become an adult, the parent’s role has changed substantially.

He says he may never share it with them to protect them.

Frankly, I don’t love this sentiment. It seems like your DH believes that he’s figured something out that is so dangerous and difficult that others can’t handle it. That seems like a conceit to me. There’s a risk sometimes that when someone gains new knowledge, they suddenly think they are superior to those lemmings who don’t know it or couldn’t handle it. I’m not suggesting he should share it with others, just that he should maintain a realistic humility and understand that things are not black & white. That his certainty about things (if he is so certain in his conclusions) is a delusion.

Being more specific, he drinks alcohol occasionally and uses tobacco. This is mostly done on business trips.

There are 2 things I don’t like about this: 1) he is creating two separate personalities, one while at home, another while away, and 2) if he is a bishop or BP, I don’t see any way he can justify this behavior (alcohol) based on the current interpretation of the WoW and tobacco is just completely unjustified on every medical front known to man. That takes a lot of self-justification to pull off tobacco, IMO. I would guess that many with lost faith have tried alcohol or coffee; far fewer would use tobacco. I think the biggest caution for you is to remember that you can’t control his behavior. You need to find a way to be supportive so that he does not become even more secretive.

Since he doesn’t believe in the temple, he only wears garments to please me and doesn’t wear them on trips, too.

I have a hard time imagining any way in which garments are “pleasing” to a spouse (sorry, just couldn’t help that little dig). Again, if he is a bishop or BP, I think this is problematic. If he’s not in that calling, maybe not. But I don’t like his fragmented approach to life – I travel a lot on business, and there are business people who go out there and do pretty stupid things because they can essentially pretend they are single while they are off alone. You see guys at conferences with wedding ring tans (who have slipped their rings into their pockets). Alcohol lowers inhibitions. Taking off garments, for a Mormon accustomed to wearing them, could also lower his inhibitions. No one is going to see his underwear – right? I’m not trying to increase your paranoia, but personally I’d feel more comfortable if your DH was doing these things around you at home, but not out there on his own. Just being honest.

Have you talked with Mormon Therapist? She also gives some great marital advice. It sounds as though you are being very supportive of your DH, though, and that’s the most important thing. Make sure your DH knows you are standing by him, and help him to remember that for him your marriage comes first too.

Yes, hawkgrrrl, it is one of those callings. I don’t think early thirties is mid-life. I am cautious not to be too specific because he has expressed concern about me posting our lives to the unknown, and he reads this blog sometimes, too.

I just feel that we now speak two different languages and see the world through such different colored glasses. I am reaching out to see that I am not crazy in the way I think because sometimes our debates make me feel that way.

We have sought the help of a therapist.

I agree with MC about the importance of your DH being authentic at home vs away. I would also add that if he is sufficiently conflicted in his calling – and only because of the nature of his calling – if he is not willing to talk to the SP about it and contemplate a release, I would advise him to defer his disaffection until his release. By that I mean, he may not be able to choose to believe, but he can comply with the standards until a release, he can choose to play the part he is unwilling to relinquish. IMO, that’s the route of integrity left open to him in his role. Again, that advice would differ if his role did.

Roma-

My DW went through a very similar process when I disclosed my disaffection. Though I didn’t necessarily hide any actions that I was taking, I did hide my thoughts/feelings and in some ways that is just as big a deal.

Having gone through this, I will say that as your DH tries to reconcile his appearance with his inner-thoughts/feelings, he will begin to resent those that he feels are “forcing” him to live a double life. Church members, church leaders, spouse, kids, parents, in-laws, for someone who is steeped in the church and culture, it becomes almost everyone.

My DW did it right, so I’ll share what she did. As she sought to understand what I was going through, she supported me completely. She was willing to let me go through what I had to go through, without judging me, without shaming me, without withholding love and affection. Over time, I ultimately shared everything with her, so that I no longer was hiding anything, even deep, deep thoughts and feelings that I would have been ashamed to admit to myself, let alone my spouse.

This was so freeing and helped me to gain confidence in my ability to be honest with anyone and everyone, including myself. I was able to let go of expectations, bitterness, resentment, anger, and just embrace the good that is in me; let go and let God.

I don’t want to make you more paranoid either, but the antidote to the hiding and double life, is unconditional love and support. One hides and minimizes and obfuscates because they feel they will not be loved or supported if they are open and honest. And, if they feel they must hide, they begin to resent whoever they are hiding from. And, then they feel justified in pushing that boundary and the cycle begins. This is where addictions are born. The cycle must be broken and can be stopped by the blinding, healing light of unconditional love and support. Lighting the hidden areas with love and support, without judging, without withholding, without shaming.

I can’t express enough how grateful I am for all of you that so genuinely and thoughtfully post here. How do you find the time? I am in a low place emotionally, and I find a great deal of support from your experiences and advice. I agree that unconditional love is powerful. Like you talked about in another post, swimordie, I am reading about codependency. It is so hard to not let this change affect me, though. Some things that I was taught all my life to detest are now a part of my husband’s life. It is difficult to come to terms with this fork in our beliefs, lifestyle, and understanding. He does not judge me and all that he asks of me is that I not judge him. The tools that I would be used to using to deal with conflict are obsolete to him- scriptures, prayer, family, priesthood leaders…

Oh, and we have good news. He is being released soon. This will definitely change the dynamics and give me a little more peace.

I’m sorry things have been difficult for you and your husband. Because I’m currently going through some similar challenges believing in the church I can relate. My wife started to express issues a few years ago about the church. This year she increasingly felt that the church wasn’t true and used a lot of excuses to not attend. Ironically once I had issues she started encouraging me to go back to church with her. I guess she was used to me being the one to hold her up. We both have always been challenged in the church but this year things changed when I was called as Gospel Doctrine teacher and Sunday school president. By mistake I came across some history that really bothered me. Once this happened my testimony fell and I am going through a transformation. I’m also studying codependence and have found it to be very helpful. Though I haven’t taken off my garments or drank alcohol, I did try green tea which I really liked.

Is it possible that HB lives this other life as a way to try it out and make sure he likes the change before creating a lot of issues in the ward? I couldn’t imagine how difficult his feelings must be in such a calling. Also has this caused you to question your belief in the church as well? I think that honesty and open dialogue for both of you is very very important. My wife and I have openly discussed our issues and it has been very helpful. I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I should add that outside my home my parents and siblings don’t know my issues either. God bless you both!