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Heber asked some questions in another thread regarding my time off of church this past year. Rather than taking that thread of topic I thought I would start a new thread. Since asking to be released from young men’s in the spring I have only attended a handful of times. On the whole I feel more at peace with things. I find I am doing less digging for issues and am finding comfort in not trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Aside from getting an extra day and a 10% raise, my life hadn’t changed much. I have been somewhat honest with church leaders, missionaries and home teachers which has been pretty good despite the occasional well intentioned lecture from new missionaries.
My wife sees things the same as me but chooses to still attend for a few reasons. She find it difficult being “that wife” at church so I occasionally go with her. Our extended family knows on a superficial level what’s up but for the most part avoids the topic with us.
That being said this week we are on a road trip visiting my believing parents and In-laws. this has a bit of a challenge as I feel all parties are walking on eggshells and not acknowledging the rift in what was the fabric of our relationships. I really feel that I need to work hard at creating new experiences and commonalities to base our relationships on. I find myself avoiding talking about church in order to stay away from uncomfortable issues. I want my relationships to be unaffected by church belief. This is probably the biggest challenge for me.
I am interested to know from others who don’t attend anymore. How do you keep family relationships genuine and rich despite a faith gap?
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I’m short on time this morning, but I’ll take a quick stab at it. I haven’t attend in 10 years, and like you I feel as though I’ve gained a day and not much else has changed. I actually enjoy the personal time I have while the family is gone and frankly that’s one of the things that has kept me from returning (but it’s a minor factor). I don’t have extended family in the church, no members in my family and only my inactive MIL on the other side. I do know that my wife gets the “that wife” thing at church and I do know she misses me being there and that wasn’t part of the deal when we married. To answer your question, I have always been able to accept people for who they are and expect the same of others. I don’t try to convert anyone to my ideals (Mormon or otherwise) and don’t expect others, especially family, to try to convert me to theirs. I think we can all be totally genuine in being and portraying who we are as individuals, and love and affection cannot be based on one’s beliefs. Meet their non-church needs at a higher level than in the past. For your wife, determine what she values in your relationship and amplify. Compensate for lack of religious performance with higher levels of relationship performance. For family, steer clear of the topic when it come up. Don’t prompt it, broach the subject, or anything. Remember birthdays [just kidding on the last one, but the meaning is similar to one’s relationship with their wife — make investments in other areas that are meaningful. For example, in-laws might eventually say “he’s not really active in the church, but he’s the best father and provider my daughter could ask for”.
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