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I have been to edge of the cliff looked over to the valley below, contemplated the leap, but stepped back. It has been an interesting journey of discovering what Mormonism means to me. Just a few weeks ago I was almost ready to call it all quits. The dogma, the altered history, the hypocrisy , and the general lack of intelligent reasoning I felt were about to overwhelm me. I could not see a long term solution on how to stay in the church with the way I viewed things. Then for some reason things started to change. I guess I am Mormon to the bone. The thought of not having the church in my life was more difficult to deal with than the issues driving me away. My hope is that I can participate with a new sense of optimism. Yes everything is not as it is represented in the church all the time but on the whole it is mostly good. I hope I can participate and extract the beneficial things from being active, contribute in a meaningful way without feeling so burdened as I did in the past.
My eyes are wide open and it is a little frightening, but I believe I can do it. Have any of you made it this far through the process of disaffection and eventual understanding?
Cadence wrote:I hope I can participate and extract the beneficial things from being active, contribute in a meaningful way without feeling so burdened as I did in the past.
That is so key! My journey may have some different aspects or directions, but I’ve felt all of that in the past. It is important to “get beyond” the old, literal way of thinking when it causes us such pain.
Way to go! It’s been two years since the former foundation of my faith was profoundly shaken. I never stopped attending church but I skip some meetings when I don’t feel up to it or worry that it’ll make me more upset than feel the spirit. In the last six months, I have finally started to feel pretty comfortable again at church. I have gotten up in testimony meeting a couple times and said some things that I believe.
I have had plenty of support though from family and friends and even bishops. I think if everyone struggling with issues of faith had people who were so understanding and open to listening without judgment, fewer people would feel so alone and abandoned. It would make it easier to stick with the LDS church.
It may still take some time for you to get to a comfortable place again but I’m hopeful for you. I’m really happy with the balance that I have with church. Congrats.
Cadence, wow……I just want to thank you for posting this today. Two days ago I was ready to completely walk away from the church. After one event with my VTing companion this week, my husband is now ready to take a serious break from church. Too much for too long I guess. We both talked this morning about how hard it is to keep bitterness out of our hearts. But as we have pondered our feelings these last 48 hours, neither of us feel that we can leave the church. There is too much of the doctrine written inside the core of who we are. I don’t know how to get where you are…..with finding a new way to enjoy participating in the church. That part is a real struggle for me right now. I am angry and hurt and frustrated while what I really want to feel is peace and understanding and hope. It’s like I can see the picture of how I want to be, but getting there is not a reality yet and that makes me frustrated with myself. How did you arrive at that place of peace? Did it just come to you? Did you pray for it? Was it a conscious decision?
Anyway, thank you, Cadence.
Cadence wrote:My eyes are wide open and it is a little frightening, but I believe I can do it. Have any of you made it this far through the process of disaffection and eventual understanding?
Thanks for sharing, Cadence. I think it is cool to see how serious doubts and issues can subside over time and allow someone like yourself to move ahead, despite the new information you got. It has helped me to see examples like yours that gave me hope I can one day achieve that.I think I’ve decided to allow myself to get to that point too. I certainly allow myself to still doubt and question things, but it doesn’t scare me anymore like it used to when I was worried I was “going apostate” or “lacked faith” or “not strong enough”. I actually want to re-engage now with a new perspective that it doesn’t all have to be pressure for perfection or all is lost… the church is big enough to allow lots of people different views at how to look at polygamy, Joseph Smith, Book of Mormon teachings, the Word of Wisdom or whatever the topic. To me, the key is how can I love my neighbor, love my family, love God, and love myself…and all the other topics fit around those objectives.
I do feel more at peace, and more confident in my feelings without as much guilt.
I think this site helped me see that, and that there is nothing wrong with me wanting to be the kind of Mormon I want to be…not what others think I should be. And despite what others think, there is no way for them to prove they are right any more than I can prove I am right to them.
I’m ready to accept it too, just like you. Its a good feeling to be honest with myself and want to stay and participate in church and not have so much conflict inside me all the time.
I think a person can find that peace whether they stay in the church or leave the church, because that peace comes from within…not from which chapel one stands in or avoids. Tip of the hat to Cadence! Thanks.
Quote:Have any of you made it this far through the process of disaffection and eventual understanding?
Yes – further, actually. It’s a wonderful place to be.
Cadence wrote:Have any of you made it this far through the process of disaffection and eventual understanding?
Yes. I really enjoy the Church. Sure, I get irritated sometimes or feel a little lonely now and then still, but I enjoy Church now more than I ever did before my perspective changed. My personal reconciliation wasn’t through going backwards to blindly believing. Like you described it as with “open eyes,” I participate. I came to a point of comfort and peace with having my perspective broadened. A huge part of the process I think is being able to integrate people back into my circle that think and believe the way I used to. I think that is the hardest step because it seems so much more personal.
That happened to me too just a week ago. Recently, I had decieded to focus my energy on getting to know Christ rather than worrying about the church and what’s true and not true. As I did that, I was finding peace and trying to be a better person. I found that the more I was focusing on the negative about the church, the more I was also loosing faith in God and His Son. I decided nothing was more important than getting to know Christ and building that relationship. I had been reading two book lately: “How Jesus treated People”, and “The Character of Jesus.” (see links below). Today was the first Sunday back to church where I just focused on all the things that pertained to Christ at church and ssurprisingly all the anger and negativity was gone. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0816306214/ref=oss_T15_product http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0217750834/ref=oss_T15_product Welcome Cadence! Yes…but. My decision to hang with the church rather than bailing or voting with my feet was made long ago. But realizing the vision takes a long time. It is still not easy, and I don’t anticipate it will be for some time to come.
Poppyseed wrote:Cadence, wow……I just want to thank you for posting this today. Two days ago I was ready to completely walk away from the church. After one event with my VTing companion this week, my husband is now ready to take a serious break from church. Too much for too long I guess. We both talked this morning about how hard it is to keep bitterness out of our hearts. But as we have pondered our feelings these last 48 hours, neither of us feel that we can leave the church. There is too much of the doctrine written inside the core of who we are. I don’t know how to get where you are…..with finding a new way to enjoy participating in the church. That part is a real struggle for me right now. I am angry and hurt and frustrated while what I really want to feel is peace and understanding and hope. It’s like I can see the picture of how I want to be, but getting there is not a reality yet and that makes me frustrated with myself.
How did you arrive at that place of peace? Did it just come to you? Did you pray for it? Was it a conscious decision?
Anyway, thank you, Cadence.
Bottom line is I decided to leave the guilt behind. Everything I do is because it appeals to me and feels like the right thing to do. I refuse to experience what a good friend of mine calls “spiritual anxiety” So I go to church and participate but let all the crazy stuff slide by. Except occasionally I will throw out a comment in SS just for fun. The church does have a great support system and we all need to belong to something and this is the most natural for me, whether I believe everything they say or not.
Yes, well said! Once you get past the concerns of whether or not you agree with what other people think – a good part of “church life” is downhill! Cadence wrote:
Bottom line is I decided to leave the guilt behind. Everything I do is because it appeals to me and feels like the right thing to do.That is so wonderful, I love it!!
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