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Hi everyone, I’ve been a lurker on these boards for some time, visited now and again for two years now (often many months between visits though). Thought I’d take the time to introduce myself, and participate in the discussions abit.
I’m 30+, married to a wonderful wife, and have 2 kids.
I was raised a TBM, and probably had an even stricter ‘letter of the law’ outlook than most TBMs. I live in a country in europe, where the church is very small, and the majority of members are either strong members, believing and living everything in a TBM way or they are inactive. I served a 2 year mission, and my mission president told me in one of our interviews that one of my companions had described me as the most obedient missionary he ever met. Before my mission I had some, what I felt, strong spiritual confirmations about the book of mormon.
So I was very much living the letter of the law, and was pretty judgemental of other people (privately). I was religiously avoiding all forms of anti mormon information as I thought it could harm me spiritually. I’ve served in elders quorum’s presidency four times (majority of the time since returning from the mission).
My journey started, abt 2 years ago, when I got the idea that I would study more on church history to be more knowledgable. I was very resolved to avoid anti mormon stuff. I started reading on wikipedia of joseph smith, thinking I need to know what the public opinion is, and be able to answer quesitions my children might come in contact with as they grow older.
As you can imagine, the image I got of Joseph Smith on wikipedia differed greatly from the one I was brought up with. I continued reading about Brigham Young, Parley P Pratt and a number of the early church characters and events (Mountain Meadows Massacre, the Mark Hoffman forgery etc). I found the Mormon Stories sites and went through all material there, listened to all podcasts etc. I read many hard to melt things from Journal of Discourses, and went through several topics on MormonThink.com.
My, what I though, Rock solid faith was shattered. I went through much emotional turmoil. Started doubting everything, even the existance of God etc. I’ve taken a break from all spiritual thinking for months at a time, because I felt numbed by my findings. Outwardly I have kept appearances. Thankfully during this time I’ve got callings for the very young children in primary, so I’ve been able to just teach things I was comfortable with (and mostly play with the kids
At the beginning of my studies, I shared some things with my wife, and some of my doubts. She was devastated, and started crying, saying I was taking her husband from her. That was very hard for me. Since then I’ve kept things pretty much to myself…
I’m at a point where I’m trying to rebuild my faith, and to find coping stratergies. I enjoy participating in church, and love the community in the ward I’m in. Atm I’m reading RSR, to get a perspective of a faithful person having been exposed to many of the hard issues. I’m very grateful to have found this forum, it’s a comfort to know that there are others like me, and that there is a place to discuss these issues in a non hostile way. Many of your views and discussions have already helped me a great deal.
So in short that’s my story, similar I suppose to many others here…
Welcome Porter! I’m so glad you found us – and finally posted an intro. I’m looking forward to hearing more from you! Many of us are on a path very similar to yours. I think RSR is a great book, it helped me to realize that the way I had always seen things is not the only “faithful” way that they can be seen. Mormonism aspires to truth, and that’s the part of the church that I love.
Porter, I loved reading your intro. It’s inspiring to see how slowly you have proceeded, and your intent to build some kind of a new relationship in the church. If you are able to contribute, I feel we will all be blessed.
Tom
Welcome!!! I like your handle. Cool. We finally have an enforcer here!! 👿 Welcome. I’m glad you decided to introduce yourself and participate actively.
Welcome Porter Rockwell, Glad to see you aboard, and are working to see what does work when the old black-and-white view no longer holds true. By sharing our experiences, we can all learn from one another and have a good chance of coming out the other end better than we ever were.
It sounds like you are into a good book that I’m not familiar with. What is RSR?
Thanks for sharing,
Welcome! RSR stands for Richard Bushman’s book,
Rough Stone Rolling. It details Joseph Smith’s life and some of the sticker issues of church history. Thanks for the warm welcome everyone Quote:by Tom Haws » 26 Jan 2010, 23:52
I loved reading your intro. It’s inspiring to see how slowly you have proceeded, and your intent to build some kind of a new relationship in the church. If you are able to contribute, I feel we will all be blessed.
I’m a very calm person by nature, and it takes much to get me rowled up, and I find it always best to not make rash decisions. I though it very good advice what I read in different places, to go SLOWLY, not burn any bridges etc. It’s amazing what some time and perspective do with these kind of emotions and knowledge. Were I previously only was hurt, and felt deceived, I know think I am more enlightened, and have an appreciation of the greyness of things. Before, when someone would have asked me what I believed about an issue, I would always answer what the church believed, but now I have to think for my self – as many have said it’s great to own your own belief.
Quote:by Old-Timer » 27 Jan 2010, 03:07
Cool. We finally have an enforcer here!!
Yep, that’s me, I’m here to enforce some order
😈 . Just kidding in reality I’m a pretty soft person and on the opposite side of the spectrum from Porter. But I thought he was a pretty cool guy which I came across while studying mormon history. We all, at some level want to be a manly macho guy, right?Quote:by dash1730 » 27 Jan 2010, 04:18
It sounds like you are into a good book that I’m not familiar with. What is RSR?
‘Joseph Smith – Rough Stone Rolling’ by LDS historian Richard Bushman. It’s a cultural biography of Joseph smith, which faithfully brings up many of the things you never here at church, and weaves the story together by examining JS in a cultural context. Bushman is an active member serving as a Patriarch, who I think has a pretty sober approach to church history. There are a couple of podcasts with Bushman on the mormon stories site, which I enjoyed listening to.
Quote:We all, at some level want to be a manly macho guy, right?
How many of you women want to be the manly, macho guy?
😆 Porter Rockwell wrote:We all, at some level want to be a manly macho guy, right?
Hmm. If you insist, that level must be in here somewhere. I think I mainly missed the macho training session when I was a kid, though.
Great intro Porter, welcome to the forum. I LOVED RSR. It wasn’t my first book I read when I started on my journey to help my faith, but it was one of my favs. I have held to the belief that truth will set me free from my problems, where ever I can find truth, and so I’m not afraid of reading any source…though I’m highly skeptical of most that bash the church unfairly.
I can also relate to your experience with your wife. It is hard on relationships when we change as individuals…but it doesn’t seem it should be surprising…we all are changing constantly. Even still, I’ve felt the same things you expressed, and don’t find many safe outlets for my thoughts or questions other than this forum…and it feels good to express them honestly.
Welcome. I look forward to learning from you.
“At the beginning of my studies, I shared some things with my wife, and some of my doubts. She was devastated, and started crying, saying I was taking her husband from her. That was very hard for me. Since then I’ve kept things pretty much to myself..” Been there several times Porter. My wife and I can now speak very openly and lovingly about these issues. Letting her know I am absolutely committed to her and our kids has been huge. She knows that I will never leave her alone in the church. I don’t bring up “issues” unless she asks, she knows I respect her desire to remain TBM. She realizes that people change, people grow, that the process has benefitted my life tremendously. She often asks me now what I believe about *any topic here*. Often my answer is “I don’t know, I am wide open to all the possibilities”. I am realizing she is more curious and thinks deeper than I gave her credit for. She recognizes the compassion and love I have developed for those around me.
Sharing with your wife will be scary and have it’s bumpy spots, but you will feel so much closer to her as you trust her to know who you really are. Being genuinely better, treating her and others better than ever before will go a long way towards softening her heart.
Glad to have you on the board here. Your story could be mine. Look forward to growing together.
Welcome, porter!! I totally agree with inbeing. As you open yourself up to all possibilities while maintaining emotional health, you will find yourself a better person, father, husband, etc. It will be noticeable and traceable: back to the beginning of your new journey. This forum sounds perfect for you, based on your intro…
Heber13> I’ve read some 300 pages of RSR and really like it sofar. I feel I’m getting to know JS alot better, and I’ve gotten a very different view on how ‘revelation’ is received. Very enlightening indeed. I’ always thought Joseph pretty much got everything word for word from the Lord – no errors. Now I think much of his own desires, thinking and emotions where mixed in his revelations. He was also ‘seeing through a glass dimly’… I’d be happy to have some other good books recommendations (I suppose there might be a thread for it though – I’ll go look). inbeing, swimordie> thank you for your support. It’s been many ups and downs on this journey. Sometimes It feels exciting and liberating, I don’t need to believe all things literally (many things of which I’ve always been uncomfortable with) – other times I feel weighed down with guilt and like a hypocrite in church and with friends. Of late it’s more up than down though.
My wife knows a little bit of my feelings, she knows I’m reading RSR and trying to work through my faith struggles. Although we talk very little about it. She’s seen over the past two years (since our ‘talk’) that I’m very faithful to her and the kids, so I think she feels secure and happy with me. I’m hoping to come to a point where we can talk openly and honestly about our faith, we’re not there yet though.
Porter Rockwell wrote:Heber13> I’d be happy to have some other good books recommendations (I suppose there might be a thread for it though – I’ll go look).
I’d also recommend reading David O McKay and the Rise of Modern Mormonism.I also enjoyed a non-mormon read just to get a balance of how people of other faith deal with similar feelings I was having, and so I read
An American Gospel, by Erik Reece. That was interesting to me, as it just focused on one’s journey to find peace within oneself, and how fears can be overcome by appreciating living in the “now”.
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