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Greetings, This seems like a very positive forum, and I have a great deal of respect for the approach you take. I have been married to a wonderful woman for four years, and we now have two wonderful kids, a 3-year old and a 7 month old. At the time we married, neither of us really practiced any religion; I was raised in the Worldwide Church of God, a cult-like authoritarian Christian church that focused on end-time prophecy and the great tribulation. My wife was raised completely secularly. I quit attending the WCG when I went to college, and occasionally in my late twenties I attended a local Zen center for a few years, and I still frequently meditate.
When my wife and I first were married, we went in search of a church to attend with the family, and our liberal viewpoints landed us in a United Church of Christ congregation. My wife found this church spiritually unfulfilling, and she kept looking until she eventually found the LDS. She was baptized two years ago, and we attended together as a family ever since. She finds the LDS church very fulfilling, and this past December she became an endowed member at the Temple.
Adjusting to this situation has been difficult for me for the most part. At first I was devastated that my wife would join a church that reminds me, however irrationally, of the abusive authoritarian church that I was raised in. With each step: attendance, baptism, callings, I had to re-evaluate my anger and try extremely hard to remain tolerant. Her temple attendance has been one of the hardest adjustments, because now it feels she truly has gone beyond to something secret where I am truly not allowed.
Currently I feel best when I focus on the aspects of Mormonism that I agree with, which are substantial. Strong family structures, clean living, fasting, tithing, food storage, and many other ways of living I admire and even try to practice to a certain extent in my own life. There is a constant striving to improve and become more Christlike among the Mormons that I wish I could better emulate. As long as I can manage to avoid thinking about the things that drive me crazy (the golden plates, the temple, the CK, the “one true church”, treatment of women/homosexuals, prohibitions on coffee/alcohol), I feel okay. But these days when we discuss the temple, I have a very difficult time.
The irony is that my wife is amazingly supportive of my beliefs. She likes for me to attend church with her, which I generally do (at least for Sacrament Meeting). She does not pressure me to speak to missionaries, or pressure me to read the BOM, or anything of the sort. At times she expresses her fond wish that I would just join the church, but she knows that I’m nowhere near being able to do so. She encourages me to meditate and even is supportive in my attempts to attend the Buddhist center near our house.
I am trying to become as tolerant of my wife’s beliefs as she is of mine. I want to feel happy for her that she finds her church so spiritually fulfilling. I want to support her in her callings and in her spiritual exploration. But it is hard to find those feelings when my own spiritual direction is radically different.
I love my wife very much, and this love is more important to me than whatever church she happens to attend. For that reason, I want to remain positive and find ways to work past my feeling of resentment and anger. I know that some people can make split-religion marriages work. My question: are there any good resources available for non-Mormon spouses who want to support their Mormon spouses, yet remain uninvolved with the church? Or maybe good resources on how to be more tolerant?
Hi, What an interesting perspective. I suppose we might be of help to you. We are a community for people who came to a position perhaps like yours but starting from within the LDS Church. I am not sure I have every heard of a whole community just supporting your specific situation.
In any case, you sound pretty cool and open minded. Feel free to hang around with us for ideas, both to share yours and to get new ones perhaps.
This site may actually work for you. Like Brian said, we come from the other side, but most of us have had to deal with some frustration, anger, resentment, mourning and a miriad of other emotions and find new ways to accept and embrace the LDS faith. Many of us can relate to the new frustration of having very different beliefs than the spouse.
Welcome to the board! I hope you find what you are looking for.
Hi notamember, I have to say I’m impressed with your level headedness. I’ll just third what has already been said, we are coming from the LDS church background, but have about the same perspective you have: appreciate many good things about the LDS church, but are frustrated by other aspects (personally, I am likewise frustrated by everything you named on your list). Hang with us! I think it would be great to hear your perspectives as someone who wasn’t raised LDS, and I would hope we can be of help to you too.
notamember, at the core, your issue is the same one we all face in ALL our interactions with others – developing true charity and putting into practice the 11th Article of Faith: Quote:“We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.”
You are coming at this from the right direction, imo – desiring to be one (truly and eternally one) with the woman God has given you and to whom you have been given. If you keep that focus, the rest will work its way out, I believe – since that was the first great commandment given in the Garden narrative. It’s easy to parrot the first and great commandment as, “Love God, and love others as yourself” – but it also is easy to overlook the fact that the man and the woman being ONE was commanded first – that a law given to one is given unavoidably to two once those two have committed / covernanted to lay aside their two-ness and work to become truly one. The command to love God and others was not given, ideally, to an individual man or woman; it was given, ideally, to a couple combined as one.
This is my opinion, but I believe it is completely consistent with the most basic and fundamental principle of Christianity and Mormonism:
What we join together in our marriages, God will not put asunder – “let them worship how, where, or what they may”.
Great intro. Welcome. I think in many ways, regardless of the direction we’re coming from (long time members with questions on new information we find, converts with feelings of betrayal or anything, or non-members with contact to the church through family), the common paths we tread are finding peace in our lives, regardless of our situations. I think we have a wide variety of perceptions of what/who God is, and how we live to find answers to our questions…and it is helpful to share our perspectives with each other.
I think your questions and input would be one more instrument to our crazy orchestra!
Ask away. Ask about the temple or anything else you want to get some differing viewpoints on.
NotaMember wrote:My question: are there any good resources available for non-Mormon spouses who want to support their Mormon spouses, yet remain uninvolved with the church? Or maybe good resources on how to be more tolerant?
Welcome, NotaMember! I was raised LDS, but I can relate to some degree because my significant other is of another faith. There were times when our faiths clashed, particularly while I was still heavily into the Church. I think the main problem I had was a lack of understanding/appreciation of her faith. I think we were both more interested in converting the other (or hoping the other would convert) than in understanding the heartfelt commitment the other had to their faith. It hurts to know that the significant person in your life can take your heartfelt beliefs so lightly so as to assume you will readily convert… and it hurt both of us.
We are at a stage now where we have both cooled down concerning our respective religions. My advice would be to keep a foot in her religious life (attend church occasionally, occasional activity, or whatever), and invite her to do the same with yours.
It’s funny that you mention the United Church – I’ve only been to two of their services, and they certainly have an appeal with their more liberal views, but I found them kind of wishy-washy when it comes to God and spirituality. It seemed more about making people feel good than having any actual substance. So I understand what the non-fulfilling thing is like. There are other “liberal” Christian churches that are more rooted in solid doctrine, however. Not sure if that’s still an option for you guys at this point, but sometimes it’s about finding the right church community that you both like. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out with you both taking to the LDS church! (but for your own sake, I wouldn’t recommend caving to the pressure to convert if that’s not the way you’re heading)
This forum is definitely a good place to vent about experience in religion connected to the LDS church! Looking forward to your participation!
Interesting perspective, Notamember. Glad to have you at the site, and I look forward to discussing whatever you bring up. I think my fundamental view is that belief is a very personal matter and that there’s a “prime directive” associated with it, along the lines of the 11th article of faith Ray shared. But your marriage is real and exists in the real world of life experiences, not the theoretical realm of ideas and theologies. In the hierarchy of things, that seems like the priority – loving the people in your life. It sounds as though you feel the same. Maybe we begin by loving people despite our differences, but ultimately, I think the task is to learn to love people for their differences.
Hi, NAM. Like Heber13 said, welcome to our crazy orchestra. For some reason I find it significant that you believe in tithing. I really like the thoughts already shared. If there are any technical facts you just have on your chest and want to get squared away such as temple, etc., I’m sure we can help with that. And if it’s higher support and encouragement in loving your wife you are looking for, we can all support each other. Welcome, notamember! Well, technically, I’m not a member either and everyone’s been super supportive of me here on the staylds forum so… again, welcome!
Ironically (or not), I resigned my membership in the church, ultimately, for the same reasons you find yourself struggling with your wife’s embracing of it: the authoritarian, emotionally abusive part. I must say, participating on this site has been the single biggest part of my being able to deal with my own DW’s choice to stay in the church and, in being ok with my two young sons continuing in the mormon faith.
It’s not easy, but, for me, discovering ways to build an inner-emotionally healthy-life through recovering from co-dependency, and recognizing the personal faith journey that each of us are on, individually, was key.
Another tricky aspect, is what Ray mentioned in his post. How to be “one” with a spouse when our faith journeys are separate. For us, paradoxically, it was finding a way to completely and totally accept each others’ individual journey as equally valid, that allowed us to grow together in intimacy, love, respect, and “wholeness” as a couple. It seems counterintuitive, but, amazingly, it is the “over the rainbow” place that was always promised but never delivered in the co-dependent faith system that we shared previously. I’m not insinuating that a couple “needs” disparate beliefs to find that place, but, having grown up in that authoritarian system, it’s what has worked for me. And, it’s fantastic!! At every level.
Welcome NAM! I can see the challenge you have, but think you may have an advantage that many “mixed” couples don’t have — you “fell in love” at a time when you didn’t have a committed religion in either of your lives. IOW, you came to love and commit to each other without a religious dogma dictating what that marriage should look like. I would think it would be helpful for you to frequently discuss and remember the things you “love” about each other. A short time ago I facilitated a program called “LUV” (love = unconditional vows), which was a process whereby one person was active LDS and the other not (either exmo, nevermo or NOM). Of course each case is unique, but a few things I found helpful for most was to re-define what love was in their marriage. A very common challenge in Mormonism is what swim mentioned above — codependency. It is popular (as an active LDSer) to believe that your spouse must also be active to make it to the highest degree of heaven. There are many talks given by church leaders that indicate that, and others that don’t. I think we are seeing a transition away from the hard-core teaching of such. If your wife is of that mindset, that can be a problem. At the core, I think it is necessary for true intimacy to believe deeply that your partner is equal in every way to you. If she/he is seen as broken, it willl be difficult to grow deep love in the relationship. I love swim’s statement:
swimordie wrote:How to be “one” with a spouse when our faith journeys are separate. For us, paradoxically, it was finding a way to completely and totally accept each others’ individual journey as equally valid, that allowed us to grow together in intimacy, love, respect, and “wholeness” as a couple. It seems counterintuitive, but, amazingly, it is the “over the rainbow” place that was always promised but never delivered in the co-dependent faith system that we shared previously. I’m not insinuating that a couple “needs” disparate beliefs to find that place, but, having grown up in that authoritarian system, it’s what has worked for me. And, it’s fantastic!! At every level.
Commonly in Mormonism, there is judgment about another’s beliefs and actions. I see much “conditional love” == a term I consider completely oxymoronic — but is a common attitude. When this is pointed out, and an emphasis put on allowing the partner absolute freedom to traverse on their own spiritual journey, and simply rejoicing at the other’s inner peace and happiness, marriage improves exponentially. It is a paradigm quite foreign to many LDS. But like swim, once found, the relationship can be amazing.
So I think communication may help keep the love alive — remember that true love doesn’t need the other to believe or act in a specific way that another prescribes. It is when two people can completely share their lives with the other and revel in each other’s journey.
Good luck!
What a warm welcome! Wow, you guys are awesome; there is a lot here to digest. Thanks for your thoughtful replies. This site has already helped me greatly, especially the “How to Stay” essay. It really helped me pull back from some of the negativity I was experiencing shortly after my wife’s endowment. It’s easy to find bitterness on the web; it’s much more difficult to find constructive voices describing ways to move forward. Also, it’s very cool that the eleventh article of faith explicitly requires tolerance. Thanks everyone; it’s great to be here!
Hi NotaMember I think one of our standard “heros” here on StayLDS may be worth you reading, M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled. What is important in his book is that love takes effort, it is work. A kind of summary that I nabbed off of Wikipedia about love is:
Quote:Instead “true” love is about the extending of one’s ego boundaries to include another, and about the spiritual nurturing of another, in short, love is effort.
The real point is that the book does give one a lot of insight into both how people avoid dealing honestly with each other (and of course themselves) and how you can avoid all of that.
Though no one has mentioned it yet one of the “defense mechanisms” that lots of us on the site seem to use is the “mental bookshelf”. This may be useful for you in dealing with Mormon doctrinal ideas or the temple for that matter. Many of us have serious questions about the Church but have experienced and lived enough spiritual moments that we know that there is something at the core of it all, so when we run into something that we can’t understand and that continues to bug us we take that problem and “put it on the bookshelf” and leave it there until we are more able to deal with the issue.
Welcome to the board, don’t expect perfect answers, all of us are struggling but we are willing to share that struggle.
Bill Atkinson wrote:Though no one has mentioned it yet one of the “defense mechanisms” that lots of us on the site seem to use is the “mental bookshelf”.
And there are others of us whose bookshelf broke, so we gave all the books to Deseret Industries.
😳 Another valid approach.Yeah, DI has a lot of stuff people just want to get rid of. A big bonfire works just as well. 
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