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I’m looking for advice from those who have gone through a faith crises, but have a spouse who is TBM. It seems like there are a lot of different situations here and I know a few of you are similar to me. My wife is aware of my situation, but only to a degree. She knows I am discouraged by the fact that I have never had a spiritual witness of the truthfulness of… well anything. I have told her that, for now, I choose to believe and I expect that someday the answers will come. The truth is, I have nearly given up on that hope. She is kind, but very worried. I think she is afraid our whole life is going to crumble. For my part I avoid the subject as much as possible, and she basically does the same. I have not changed any of my practices as far as church attendance, callings, etc. While I do not enjoy them much any more, I don’t want to cause any trouble by slacking in my duties. By all outward appearances I am a solid latter day saint. Other than my wife, no one has a clue.
The big problem is that now we have a rather large area of our life that we can no longer openly discuss. When gospel topics arise, I say what I am expected to say, but I think she knows I’m holding back. It has created an uneasy feeling between us that has never been there before.
I’ve considered being more open with her, but I know there would be serious conflict if I did.
Sometimes I really wish she would have her own crisis. Then we could be on common ground again, and work through it together. Unfortunately, she has determined that the only way to get through this is for her to be stronger than ever (more frequent scripture reading, listing to conference talks, etc.)
My goal right now is to just keep putting on the TBM face that I’m expected to wear, but I hate not being honest with her. I feel like I’m living a lie – I suppose I am. But it seems like I can either live a lie or ruin my life.
Hello fnts, My TBM wife and I have sort of reached an unofficial truce that we don’t talk about aspects of the church that bother me. I’m not sure what your beliefs are, but there are still many things I do like about the church which my wife and I do agree on and talk about.
At times I feel I’m living a lie but (usually) I’m at peace enough with my unconventional LDS beliefs that I can have a peaceful and loving relationship with my wife. There are times when it’s difficult, though. Just this last Sunday I reminded my wife that “I don’t believe half of it” and she replied “well you’re sure living like you believe it.” And we left it at that. We have agreed that I can “inoculate” my kids from aspects of doctrine, history, and culture as long as she can present her view and the kids can decide for themselves.
Wish I had better advice, but for me, maintaining a loving and supporting relationship with my wife and kids is more important than being completely forthright, which is actually similar to other aspects marriage. We try not to nag about each others’ faults. For me, if I think about all my doubts I start to get angry and feel tremendous resentment that life is unfair, but trying not to dwell on it seems to help. I can’t change the past and just have to move forward.
Roadrunner wrote:“I don’t believe half of it”
That would definitely be crossing the line in my situation. It sounds like you have reached a more mature stage than where I’m at. I’m hoping that in time maybe things will get easier. What I’m afraid of is that there may be a battle before we reach it.
I agree that keeping things happy at home are the most important right now. That’s why I’ve been “playing the part”.
fnts, if it helps, here are a couple of posts I’ve written about the broader topic: “
God is Not More Important than Wife and Kids” ( http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2013/12/god-is-not-more-important-than-wife-and.html “
Temple Sealing as a Shadow of Practical Sealing” ( http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2013/02/temple-sealing-as-shadow-of-practical.html One more thing I should have mentioned was that not long after my faith crisis I started to write in my journal. I felt I could openly “vent” there without fear of repercussions. That did help me in the short term get through some rough days. I am several years into my faith transition. DW and I have been through some ups and downs. It has been important that I emphasize that my devotion to her and certain elements of my behavior will not change (for us the biggest changes have been tithing and rated “R” movies). I have never tried to convince her that the church is false, but we have had many conversations on church culture and imperfections and perceptions etc.
She believes in the power of the priesthood (so the church can be necessary for salvation and incredibly frustrating at the same time) and I respect that. At the same time I am honest with her and feel that she knows where I am comming from.
In summary, I don’t know that dancing around the issue would be sustainable for me. I would rather take a chance on understanding than live in perpetual isolation.
I am the wife of the man with a faith crisis. Maybe I can give you a bit of her perspective, although I am in a different place now. Church was our whole world. I was serving in leadership, he was too. We joked that the drive to Ward Council was our date. I knew something was up with him for a long time before he opened up. It was shocking and in retrospect my biggest fear was the loss of him and his dedication to our family. That hasn’t changed and if anything has been strengthened. I felt like I was on eggshells some because I didn’t know exactly what bothered him where and it was awkward. He slowly opened up on different topics and I was able to share my view and it was respected.That was huge for me.
I am sure you have read other stuff on here, but when people say go slow…..go slow. Things would come up, like tithing, tithing settlement, callings, kids interviews. I hope she realizes how hard this is for you too. It helped me to read this websites articles and also FAIR, although even in my more TBM that one was gaggy. There is a website called Faceseast that is for people with a disaffected spouse. It doesn’t get a lot of traffic but it is nice to know you aren’t alone. Also a giant help was God Who Weeps.My husbands continued love and reassurance and respect that I could believe how I wanted made things “easier”. It isn’t easy and sometimes it feels earth shattering.
Good luck.
Marriage is all about trust, and when one spouse changes their views on something assumed to be in common, it’s easy for doubts to creep in and insecurities. That’s why communication is important and respect and above all, putting your partner first – seeking to understand the other person first and to be patient and loving. Thanks all. Roadrunner, I guess that’s how I consider this site. A place to “vent”, and not worry about repercussions, and it does help. GodIsLove, I often try to think how I would feel if our roles were reversed. Thank you for your insight. I can only imagine how difficult this is for her. That’s why I’m very hesitant to be completely open with her. I’m afraid it would be too much. One time I tried to talk about tithing and what does “increase” really mean. It didn’t go as well as I had hoped. She is of the opinion that whatever calculation arrives at the highest amount is what should be paid. I don’t mean that in any disrespect. That’s not far from what I would have said years ago. And I applaud her faith. But I just don’t see it the same way anymore. All I was really able to do was throw in something like “I think it’s probably a little more complicated than that”.
It’s funny because I think the biggest concern we both have is “what if my spouse wants out of our family”. In reality that would be highly unlikely, but the fear is still there. We really have a great relationship outside of church matters. But the church has always been such a big part of our lives that it makes a large impact.
Hawkgrrl, you’ve identified the two conflicting courses I’m trying to navigate: having open communication, and putting her first. I’m afraid if I’m totally open it would cause her more pain.
Here is my formula — I am the unorthodox person (I would not say “doubter”, but disillusioned and critical). my wife is TBM: 1. I don’t talk about my concerns about the the church with her because it upsets her.
2. I invest in meeting her needs in the marriage. She has a high need for conversation, affection, financial support, and family commitment in the form of fathering and leadership. I do those things. They compensate for lack of church passion.
3. I support her and my daughter in their churchy wurchiness
So far it’s working. Sure is precarious though.
I suggest takeing the emotional needs questionnaire that used to exist at
http://www.marriagebuilders.com . this will help you understand what deposits love into your marriage bank account. Step up the extent to whcih you meet non-church needs to keep the marriage strong.Occasionally, there are low points in our marriage and I have to retrench and do better in certain areas. one must always be monitoring and making adjustments to make sure the love account is in a positive.
Hope that helps…
SD
I’m not saying this is the best approach, in fact it may be a bad one, but this is how it went down with me. fnts wrote:I often try to think how I would feel if our roles were reversed.
That was a big one for me and that sentiment is what ultimately guided me through the process. I carefully opened up the dialogue and I felt genuine remorse… even though going through a faith crisis isn’t anything wrong or to be ashamed of. I felt terrible because I thought that I was shattering some long held dream of hers. A few observations:
I hadn’t hid my feelings as well as I thought I had, at least not from her. She had noticed a change a long, long time before I brought anything up.
- We have a very strong shared belief that as long as someone is trying to do their best that things will work out in the end – regardless of membership to a specific church.
- I honestly don’t know whether entering into the discussion in an apologetic tone is the best approach. Like I said, that’s the direction I took principally because I was worried that I was negatively impacting the life she desired for herself. I can see how entering the conversation in an apologetic tone can create the impression, even on a subconscious level, that going through a faith crisis is something bad. Again, probably not the best of approaches. I had to go with my feelings on that one and I know DW as much as she knows me so it was ok. Case by case?
- One thing I will say is that I don’t think a confrontational approach is a good one. I.e. “Honey, this is why the church is wrong…” Always focus on the positive and positive steps you want to take in the future. It might be tricky to find positive things but I think it’s best if both of you can feel good about what the future holds. Avoid contention at all costs… and that is easier said than done in some situations. The goal is to become one again after all.
- I reassured her that I still intended to live all the standards, that my faith crisis wasn’t an “out” to change my lifestyle. I think that was the most important thing for her to know. Again, putting myself in her shoes I think that’s what I would want to hear as well. A bit of assurance that life isn’t about to go topsy-turvey. I said it and I absolutely meant it.
- I have a very special DW. I honestly feel closer to her now than I ever have. There’s no longer anything to hide or hold back. All can be shared between us. The process has made my love for her all the stronger.
- I made it a point to mention that I wasn’t going to get into the details, that I didn’t want to influence her to my way of thinking. If she gets to where I am naturally that’s fine with me, but that’s how she’ll have to get to where I am, naturally. I’m not going to attempt to influence her course. I think it just doesn’t work that way.
- I actually love that she is a TBM. I think it creates a dynamic in our home (just between us, I want the children to see a TBM in me because I feel like being a TBM is a vital step in their faith development). I think having her be a strong TBM in many ways is helping me develop my own faith. I see “Fowler’s stages of faith development” and I feel like if there’s any chance of me either returning to some reincarnation of stage 3 or finding a stronger foothold in stage 5 it will be because of her example as a TBM. I love it.
I love my DW, very, very much. I still feel the weight I’ve placed on her and she has borne it admirably. She’s a very strong person and I admire her all the more. I don’t want to ever let such a person down, and I’ll navigate my faith crisis with that as my goal.
Everyone’s situation is unique. It’s a leap of faith, but it’s one I felt I had to take to be honest with myself and honest with DW. Best of luck. I know it’s difficult.
I haven’t generally handled this very well, either, and I’m more like RoadRunner and SD. Generally speaking we don’t discuss things that upset her unfortunately there are quite a few of them. There is such a fine line between Hawk’s advice to be open and communicative (clearly important in marriage) and saying and doing things that upset her. And there are kids in the mix who are obviously confused sometimes. Our marriage, too, has ups and downs, and most of the downs are related to me and my doubts frankly. Like other things, there is a middle way here and you need to find the way that works for you and your spouse. Ours is not talking about some things and while it works to an extent I don’t think it’s the answer for everybody nor do I think it’s necessarily best for both of us – but it does prevent crying and arguing. I wish I had more time to elaborate, but I don’t right now, I will try to come back later. While this does not exactly parallel your personal challenges, my first thought was the video “Alone” on Mormon Challenges.org Initially, my wife felt a lot better after she realized that it wasn’t just me struggling, but I was one of a growing number of good members being challenged by things that we had been unaware of growing up.
It is not a “fun” watch for anyone, but I think it can give perspective and some hope (& also possibly new worries) to a faithful spouse of a struggling member. I think the video makes a valid point in the end, that a form a faith can be re-built. I appreciate that it says you can’t go back and don’t expect everything to fit in place the same way that it used to. Yes, it is angled to the historical based crisis more than to your specific situation but I thought I’d throw it out there.
One important thing to remember is that we are a brutally self-judging bunch of folks. In a lot of ways both parties can feel tremendous sense of failure. The doubting spouse is “letting down” everyone around them while the secure spouse is looking at a potentially very public fail as well. Orson, I took a look at that video. Orson wrote:It is not a “fun” watch for anyone
Very true. In fact “painful” might be a good word for it.
Thanks all for the comments. From the varying nature of the comments I suspect, like everything else, this is my road to travel. I’ll have to deal with it the best I can.
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