What to write to missionary son

I was exactly in his position with my first missionary companion in the field. My companion was the trainer and he did everything your son’s trainer describes. I essentially was the motor of the companionship and it was really frustrating.

I would give this advice:

1. Encourage him to learn to negotiate with the companion. Find out what his companion likes to do and use it to negotiate the work your son wants to complete. For example, my companion didn’t like door approaches and tracting. So, I indicated that I would do all the talking at every door provided he came with me. I think we also knocked back the number of hours from 2.5 per day to 2 per day (2.5 was required in our mission at the time). He liked to do missionary work with people he felt he got along with “people who were cool to him”. So, I made sure we saw those people.

I had another situation where myself and the companion were both leaders, and were in conflict about the best way to do things all the time even though I was the area leader and senior companion. I finally said I would look after all zone leadership matters, and offered him a “senior companionship position” in the Ward. That way we each had our own stewardship and leadership opportunity. Each person assumed the role of junior companion in the respective domain of the leadership domain of the other. This worked VERY well. I share this as an example of negotiation/problem solving/collaboration — whatever you want to call it.

2. Initiate splits with other missionaries, and his DL, Zone leaders and other missionaries in the field. Do it under the banner of wanting to learn from a whole variety of different people.

3. Initiate splits on P-Days to get away from each other. Find ways of getting time with other missionaries on those days you don’t HAVE to be together.

4. Figure out his companion’s strengths. Often we consider people to be lazy or reluctant when actually, we are simply asking them to operate in areas they are not naturally strong. Find out what this guy’s strengths are (for example, he seems to be able to get people to like him pretty well). How can your son engage these strengths to further the his own goals? Teach him to look at a person’s personality as a river that flows naturally to certain places. Teach your son to recognize these strengths and use them to his advantage — but not in a deceptive way.

Example, I had a companion I thought was terribly lazy. He would listen to Michael Jackson, sleep in, schedule multiple dinner appointments on the same day, and avoid work. He was also a terrible teacher.

But he was amazing at humour (British humor). So, I complemented him on his ability to build relationships with people through humor, and asked if he would take the lead in teaching appointments to get to know people, and at the end of the lesson to build relationships there. I would handle the teaching. This worked very well, and my journal is full of quotes of funny statements he made that built relationship with people.

For example, one member didn’t have time to see us, but said “come back and shoot the bull sometime”. This elder replies “Oh, you’ve got one?” [a bull?]. Taken with his british accent, he routinely made people laugh with his personality. I encouraged and celebrated that aspect of his personality as it helped us achieve our goals.

5. Had one elder X in my District who was with a REALLY TOUGH companion, Elder Y. Everyone who had Elder Y complained. Not this one elder X. The leadership commented “Elder X has b een with Elder Y for two months and not a peep out of Elder X”. I’m sure it was hard on Elder X, but he really distinguished himself as someone who could make it work somehow. Not that we should endure abuse from companions, or push ourselves too far beyond our emotional limits and mental health, but stories like these can help missionaries persist in difficult companionships until the leadership sees the wisdom of a transfer.

Good luck.

My mission was pretty good really. I liked my second mission president, and was indifferent to my first one. I had some good companions and some really awful ones at the same time. But came home a much wiser and stronger person. So, you’re son might have a good experience if you can be as positive as you can about it.

Anyway, these are just suggestions. Sometimes its just plain hard on a mission and you have to buck up and take it. I remembered my Bishop telling me that it seems like a long time, but frankly, I barely even think about my mission now. It was over 30 years ago and so much more has happened. Let your son know that it seems like forever but it’s not.

Thanks, guys. I am writing the epistle and I’m going to have to mail it in the next day or two. Your ideas have been incorporated.

I probably said to you at one point, Nibbler, that we have some things in common. It seems like everyone who comes here has something in common with me.

I had an Elder Y for only a month – but it was a long month, and he was my second companion. I had shared that experience with my son before he left. Apparently my son has already mentioned to his MP something about this guy because he told me the MP counseled him to get up early and make breakfast for his comp. I guess if he had to eat breakfast, he was up(?). Serving your companion usually doesn’t hurt.

I have put a paragraph in the epistle about talking to your MP about your companion. I honestly don’t think MPs generally leave comps together when they find out they don’t get along to teach them a lesson. I don’t perceive his MP to be the type that would do this (he used to be an Area Authority in this area). I told him that ideas about not talking about your comp to the MP because he won’t move you is a myth, and he needs to express his true feelings to the MP. I don’t know Elder Y or Elder X, but I bet Elder X didn’t complain because he thought he wasn’t supposed to, not because he liked the guy. But the way his mission works, he’s probably with this guy until end of February anyway – they stay with their trainers for two transfers, generally.

Looking back, most of my companions were really pretty good and obedient. None were particularly messy, none slept late or stayed up late (unless we were talking, which I was party to), none broke any major rules (with the exception of the aforementioned Elder Y). It’s not that I never had any conflict, but I don’t have a tone of war stories. And, all of my comps were American but one – Elder Y, actually. It was an English speaking mission. Also, I never had a companion for longer than two months, although I spent 7 months each in two different areas. He is in a Spanish speaking mission and his comp speaks very little English. There is another pair of missionaries in the apartment, also trainer/trainee and also mixed Latino/American (the trainee is American), and the trainers are apparently quite similar in their habits. I have told him he can do companion study type things with the other trainee if nothing else.

Serving a mission was a time of a bit of disillusionment for me. Before I served a mission the missionaries seemed to radiate with righteousness; RMs were revered as knights of valor, an example of spirituality (and babe magnets 🙂 ). Then I served a mission. Me. I was a deeply flawed person trying to play the part of what I understood to be a spiritual beacon. I also interacted with the full spectrum missionaries over the course of those two years. The disillusionment made me unhappy because a bit of the dream had died.

I’m sure that’s not everyone’s experience but I’m sure nearly everyone going into the mission field is going to have to overcome some type of unmet expectation. We build up our vision of what it’s going to be like and then reality will chip away at it.

I think this is all too common, and it happened tome, too. I tried to convey that idea to my son before he left, again not wanting to damage his faith and hopes. I think this is the cause of major stress for lots of missionaries, and why quite a few return home early and/or become less active. It’s not like what we see, it’s not like “The District” and most won’t talk about the dark side because it’s kind of taboo.

I didn’t mention that specifically, but time is a part of it. He is sort of military minded, be where you’re supposed to be when you’re supposed to be. But I agree that it’s a cultural thing that he’ll probably adapt to, I’m more worried about other things.

I remember complaining in my journal about my second companion. He couldn’t seem to be serious about anything and tended to hog attention in discussions. Then I got transferred and my next companion would give me the silent treatment for long periods of time. A few trasfers later I had a companion that I would describe as verbally abusive (sounds kinda funny saying that but I really feel that to be the case). I remember repenting for having complained about that second companion (the jovial attention hog one). I would have done anything to get him back.

I later had a companion that was thought to be difficult by others. He was pretty quiet, didn’t always want to share his part in lessons, would take along time getting ready in the morning, and had a really small bladder (we were always stopping to pee).

Another Elder asked how I could be so patient with him. He just didn’t seem so bad compared to some of my other companions. At least he wasn’t malicious.

I don’t know that this helps your son any. I hope he doesn’t go through what I did.

Has your son ever sat down with his companion and just spent a couple hours talking about their lives? Has he really gotten to know his companion deeply? I don’t know, but you might want to point out the dangers of judging others without knowing them intimately.

I agree with the rest of what you said, also Ray, I just wanted to address this point. There is a language barrier, my son’s Spanish is OK, but this is his second week in the field – he’s not fluent. His companion speaks almost no English. He said they did have a talk about how his disobedience is affecting my son’s learning and feeling of effectiveness in the field and that it got a little better but still persists. So, no, he doesn’t know him deeply and personally and while that may come it’s difficult at this point to achieve that. I think it’s somewhat compounded by the other companionship where the same issues exist. I sense that the two Latinos spend time talking together in the apartment and the two Gringos do the same, but I’m not sure they necessarily talk with each other. FWIW, the Latinos are not from the country he is serving in and they are not from the same country.

That said, yes I do believe my son is a toe-the-line-rule-follower and that he may be the difficult one in the companionship. I kind of tried to gently say that prior to his mission but I don’t think I really got through. I am being more direct in the epistle, and compromise is clearly in there as well.

That inter-personal situation would complicate things. So would the stereotyped conflict with one culture that can he hard-charging and almost obsessive about punctuality and efficiency (both American and military) and another culture that can be very laid-back.

I hope it goes well – for everyone involved.

That’s certainly part of the message – he needs to understand more about the culture. His mission already has altered bed/wake up (they’re later than the standard 6:30-10:30) times because of the culture. Part of the message also is “this, too, shall pass” and “it gets better.”