Help …I am so depressed today

You did a wonderful job of describing one of the biggest tragedy in the church. It sounds like you are one of those folks that are dragged to the temple with out any information either for the temple or marriage. They are a number of very caring people that will soon be here to comfort. I’m so angry about the needless suffering you have had to endure. I am a fixer not a comforter I am a fixer and there are some people in your past that need fixing. In reality the only thing that any of us can fix is ourselves. You may find it helpful to talk to your Dr. there may well be medical reasons for your anxiety and depression. The next thing is to find a good counselor and/or group to work with. There is one thing I would like to say about the Temple. Sorry to be so vague. There are blessings there not only for forgiveness of the sins we may have commited but blessings to free us from the sins commited against us.

My love and prayers be with you may you find peace.

KK

Mormonmom,

I am so very sorry you had to go through what you did. I can’t even imagine it. You were young and you didn’t even know what you were doing. I believe that God is a loving God. He knows you and loves you just for who you are.

mormonmom:

Your story is so sad and, unfortunately, rather common. You were raised in an emotionally abusive home, with the church being one of the tools of emotional abuse. You connected the dots that the church = God and so, as an adult you feel all of those teachings about “obedience or else” as a part of the whole system.

As adults, we allow ourselves to be abused. If we were raised in abusive homes, this is natural and even feels “right”, even though it tears us up inside. As kids, we had no choice but to be abused. And, we adapt to the abuse, making sure that our abuser is always happy with us because we want, more than anything, to gain approval from our abuser. This is co-dependency.

Our emotional health is being dictated by an outside source. In most of our cases growing up in the church, it is our parents and the “church”. In reality, it’s the community/culture of the church, not the actual church. If you draw a literal connection between the church and God, then in some ways you may feel co-dependent on God. That’s super tricky and, if you see Him as vengeful, jealous, all-powerful, giving blessings to the obedient and punishing the sinners, you again are being manipulated emotionally by an “external” force.

I’ve said it alot but it’s worth repeating: I was almost exactly where you are though it looked different on the outside. On the inside, I felt exactly as you do. My biggest turning point was recognizing that I am the way I am because of emotional abuse growing up and then discovering the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. That dual enlightenment finally put me on the path of real emotional health, real self-esteem, real self-love, and, most importantly, real joy. Even in hard times.

The thread on co-dependency:

http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=1115

Good luck! Hang in there! Keep talking about it, keep searching, keep trying, and love yourself! It’s so important for you to love yourself unconditionally. You are a good person. You’re not going to offend God, no matter what. He put His light in you and He trusts you. And, all that other stuff, is not your fault. It’s not your fault.

Wow Mormonmom … I feel so bad for you. All I can say is you had about the WORST preparation for the temple experience possible, worse than having no preparation. You had so many issues wrapped up with a poor relationship with your mother, and zero preparation on even knowing what you were getting into. As someone else already said, it’s a tragedy.

I know this is far easier to say than do, but please do try to realize that you are just fine. You are loved and completely accepted by God just as you are right now. You really need to forget the whole temple thing and go way back a few steps to process all that. Seriously, you might even want to get some counseling or at least find a good friend to talk to. We’re always here too.

The temple should never be that way. Sorry to say this about your mom and be judgmental, but she clearly doesn’t “get it.” She probably understands it less than you do. Try to have compassion for her if you can, but please try to distance yourself from the perspective she gave you. The temple is a symbolic experience. There is actually a lot of cool ideas there. But you have to be in the right frame of mind to appreciate it. It’s not supposed to be a trap 😯

God isn’t in the business of collecting on contracts like some mafia thug (aka temple covenants). He isn’t going to do anything to you except love you patiently and wait for you to grow in enlightenment. You are going to be just fine. Do your best, be a good person as best you can, and try.

YOU ARE GOING TO BE JUST FINE.

mormonmom – sorry you are having such a bad experience. You’ve got some good advice here from several. The only thing I will add is that people who have been endowed are not going to live sin free for the rest of their lives. That’s an impossibly high standard. We take the sacrament every week to “renew” covenants – because we are not perfect. Not being perfect is what it means to be human. Learning, growing and progressing is the best we can do – that is godliness.

I also recommend you consider some form of counseling for the abusive conditioning you describe. That’s not something easy to just think yourself out of. It takes a lot of work to overcome shame, guilt and feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Frankly, I think Brian hit the nail on the head when he described the view of the temple your mother seems to espouse – that covenants are a trap, and once you make them you are locked to her forever. Her job is now done. She can stop feeling inadequate and afraid that she has not been a good enough mother. But those are her issues to work through, not yours. Unfortunately, feelings of shame and inadequacy are often passed on from generation to generation. Mormon Therapist can be a great resource if you seek some advice about dealing with those feelings. She answers email questions on her site, and she also does individual consultation for a fee. I highly recommend her.

Either way, know that you will not always feel the same way you do now. Focus on the positives: your husband and marriage (provided he is a support to you), determining your own personal feelings and/or relationship with God, learning to let go of your fears and feelings of inadequacy, and eventually learning to realize that your mother, although abusive, probably was doing the best she could with what she knew (her mother may have been the same with her). In time you will learn to forgive her and see her through the eyes of experience and understanding. And hopefully you will break the cycle of shame and fear for your own children. Best of luck to you in your endeavor!

Swimordie: Thanks for the link to the post co-dependant no more. I will have to look into the book Codependant no more.

Brian: Thanks for understand me Brian. I don’t think anyone else I would have talked to would be that nice. And when you said mafia thug that made me laugh. Thanks. And yes, my mom doesn’t get it. I just remembered she also had panic attacks the whole time we were there and I found out after I got out she had not been to the temple in 10 years or more or something like that.

Counseling is a good idea. I don’t have insurance but when I do I will try that.

Thank you everyone else for all the great responses.

I support everything that has been said by the previous responses. Now I want to go into the doctrine of covenants. In order for a covenant to be binding on earth and in heaven, it must have 3 elements: 1. It must be performed. You must go through the ceremony, such as baptism or the endowment or sealing ordinance; 2. It must be entered into. This means that you BRING your life into accordance with the conditions of the covenants. This is the hardest part, and it takes some people many years to get this far. It means that you come to the point where you stand as a witness of Christ in all things and in all places. The atonement helps us do this, but remember, I said it might take years to get this far. You aren’t expected to be perfect right now, just try; And 3. It must be sealed by the holy spirit of promise. That is the Holy Ghost permanently binding the seal that was temporarily placed on your covenant when it was first performed to sustain you through your entering into your covenant. This doesn’t have to happen before you die, so don’t worry about that. Just keep living your life the best you can (and your best is not perfection no matter what anyone thinks) and work on building a personal relationship with your Heavenly Father and learn to recognize the Holy Ghost in your life. Someday you may go back through the temple, and feel the healing power of the Atonement as you come to realize that the temple is a place of Love and not of Fear. Don’t let phrases like “bring upon yourselves the judgments of a just God, for God will not be mocked) get to you. You don’t need to have your temple ordinances undone until you are ready, but if you don’t feel up to it, then take off your garments if they make you uncomfortable, and when you feel like you are ready to TRY to live according to the temple covenants (notice that I didn’t say LIVE the temple covenants) then you should meet with your bishop and renew your recommend and go back. No matter what you think you may have done or will do, your Heavenly Father loves you. And he gave you a very imperfect earthly mother to teach and raise you. She got it wrong, but the Savior’s Atonement can help you. I promise.