What To Say.. What to do?

I can’t imagine what others think of me at the same time to but I guess it doesn’t really matter and people probably in reality don’t think about me or notice anything.

To me, you sort of summed it all up right there. Most of your concerns seem to involve what others may think of you, say about you, etc. Because we’ve all been there. We’ve heard what people at church say about less active or “apostate” members and we assume that they’re saying it about us. And, sometimes they are, sometimes they aren’t. Like you said, most just go about their business and never really think about the “status” of others.

We’ve discussed co-dependency some here (mostly cause I keep bringing it up) so check out some of those threads. Like you said, what others think, say, do, really doesn’t matter. You can’t control them even if you try. You could be perfect and they would still talk. You could be horrible and they would still talk. All that matters is you. What do you think of yourself? Why do you feel the way you do? If other people’s opinion of you affects how you answer those questions then, let it go. “Let go and let God”. Meaning, at least from my perspective, let God take care of everyone else. You just take care of yourself.

It’s supremely difficult to do this in the mormon culture because we place actual value on caring what others think of us. But, we must let that go. We’re on our own journey and, “sorry everyone else, but I just don’t care what you think of me.”

1. What to tell people.

I’ve had periods where I was inactive for several weeks or months. My favorite answer when people commented “We haven’t seen you in a while” was “That’s because I was using a Romulan cloaking device. I was invisible.” Then I would give them a big cheesy and happy/nice smile, and they would realize it was a dumb comment and they already knew the answer to their statement-question.

I would also just tell people the blunt truth (of course always with a smile). I wasn’t coming to Church for a while. No explanation is really needed, and frankly it is none of their freakin’ business. Most people that say those things are just socially awkward people who don’t really care about the answer, so why even bother. I don’t mean that in an angry way, but it is generally true. People that really care about you, that have a connection know you are not there, and they probably already know why.

2. What to say to a Bishop (or other leader)?

I think this takes a lot more tact. I really feel it is best to say as little as is reasonably possible, especially if you do not know someone very well or know how well they handle controversy. Most human beings do not handle controversy well. You can’t take back things that you reveal or say. Once it’s out there … it’s out there.

As an example, my last Bishop was a very nice, caring and truly decent guy. He did not freak out about things. He was very down to earth. He wanted to help my wife come back to Church and wanted to meet with her (she is exmo). I met with him a few times about this. When we talked, I would bring up an issue or two, very surface level info, that my wife has problems with. His response when pushed just a little was that he didn’t really know that much about Church history, and he had never read much about it, but he was sure he could help her with her problems. It was very nice, really it was. But the basic problem was always that he knew nothing about her problems. He was operating from the more Stage 3 perspective that Heavenly Father would touch her heart through his testimony and confidence somehow. I am not one to rule out possibilities, but he fundamentally could not connect with her problems. So the point of my story is this: I was not going to discuss deep, personal, historical and doctrinal problems with him. I sort of dug that out early on in my talks with him. Nothing against him at all from me. Like I said, I think he is a fantastic guy and a really good Bishop. He just wasn’t someone to talk about deeply controversial topics with.

If you don’t want a calling, and you have your reasons, politely decline. Building healthy boundaries at Church is important, especially because a lot of us were brought up with very few boundaries at Church (i.e. never turn down a calling or request). I highly encourage people to participate in Church. Not only is it a nice organization for service, but I think that challenge is good for us. BUT you should be comfortable with your participation. I have turned down callings.

3. Going to Church on and off.

Go when you want. It’s up to you. I personally enjoy going on a regular basis. I feel more connected to the community, and I have more “social capital” when people know who I am and I am there serving. I pretty much skip 1 Sunday a month to spend time with my wife and family. Most of them don’t go, and that is something I personally negotiated with my wife. It makes her more happy.

1. What do you say when members ask you or start digging to find out why you stopped going to church or haven’t been going?

I was given good advice on this website to respond calmly with saying something like, “I’m just going through a rough time right now, and need time to work through it all.” That has worked and people usually want to know what rough time, but if I don’t get into it, they respect my privacy too. They don’t need to approve of your feelings. Your feelings just are what they are, and they are just as valid as anyone else’s. I’ve always been able to stay calm, even when some family really got in my face about the direction I was going they didn’t approve of. I never had to argue because I just told them I think it is good for me and God is helping me learn new things. If God is helping me, how can that be bad? It is hard when you feel others are judging you, but I think we can learn to overcome those worries and that makes us stronger.

2. What do you say when the bishop comes over and asks a lot of questions?

Answer “yes” or “no” without having to try to expound unless you want to. First tell yourself the bishop came over because he sincerely cares about you, or he wouldn’t spend the time. Then ask yourself if you really are interested in getting his advice on things. If the answer is no, then tell yourself you can appreciate his effort, but without a better understanding of how you feel, you can just keep your thoughts to yourself. You don’t HAVE to tell him anything you don’t want to. You can always listen to what he has to say, sometimes surprisingly there are good words of advice you should consider from a sincere priesthood leader. Sometimes, they just don’t get it and you just ignore it and appreciate their intent.

3. Is it ok to go to church or show up every week for months and then not go for 6 months and then show up again once or twice?

The church is there for you…go when you want to. Don’t go when you need a break. Allow yourself to decide when you need to take a break, and spend that time with nature or with other spiritual reading material or something to supplement it. As Brian says, “Always Trade Up”.

To echo something Hawk said:

Would you take medication that makes you depressed? Would you choose to hang around people with whom you are not required to interact if they make you depressed? Why read things online, then, if they make you depressed?

There are other ways to tackle issues than alone with printed words that are written with specific agendas – and that’s true of negative AND positive spins. If something you are doing makes you depressed, stop doing it.

I know that sounds simplistic, but that’s because it really is simple. Don’t make it harder than it has to be.

If you do get a “craving” to study the history or doctrinal development more in the future, I highly recommend any of the great books published in the area of Mormon Studies. You can look in our media reviews here to get a feel for them. These are far better resources than controversial website. The books also contain controversial informaton, or maybe call it “challenging” at times, but they also tend to be well-documented and more scrutinized (having been published by respectable publishers). It’s much much higher quality material.

Websites can be interesting, but the quality of information can often times be a little sketchy. They tend to make more dramatic claims (both pro and anti).