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I have posted before about my mission and how much it negatively affected my life. I’ve also written about how, when he asked me directly, I told my oldest son that I do not believe he should serve a mission. I would NEVER give unsolicited advice to him about this because I do not want to cause him to make a decision based solely on my desires, but since he asked, I did tell him exactly how I felt. We have not discussed this since that happened in November 2008. My son is almost 19, but he has the maturity, build, and looks of a 23 or 24 year old. He is a high level athlete and most people at college (BYU) assume he has already served a mission and almost nobody can believe he is only 18. He has been getting immense pressure to serve a mission from lots of people, but he has not made a decision either way. Anyway, since that time, the following has happened:
The Bishop told me that I have no right to give unsolicited advice to my Son (I agree and I never have). He said that if he asks that I should be honest.
The Bishop told me that kids should make their own decisions, and nobody should give unsolicited advice to him.
The Bishop has given my son a TON of unsolicited advice about a mission.
None of this really bothered me because I knew it would happen, and I was fine with it, but then…
The Bishop told my son to ignore any advice I might give him.
This made me very angry, but I have still not said a word to my son about a mission. I simply sucked it up and moved along, but then…
Last night, my dear Son came to me, on his own, and asked about my mission experience.
We sat and talked about this entire issue for more than 2 hours. He asked some very deep questions about my mission experience, my childhood, and my current situation in life. It was so refreshing to come clean about some things to him as he and I have always been extremely close, but there are things I have never told him. I learned that the reason he has been considering a mission is because his friends are all going and because of the crap he has been getting from people telling him that he needs to go.
He said to me, “Dad, if I do go on a mission, I want it to be for the right reasons, and not because the Bishop thinks I should go, not because my friends are going, and not because some girl wants me to. If I go, I want it to be so that I can serve others and not for myself, and right now I don’t think I want to go”.
Anyway, I was so happy that he was actually thinking for himself and not just following the crowd. This was a wonderful experience for me and I am so grateful that he approached me. He now knows I do not want him to go, and I no longer have to worry about him ignoring my advice. He will make his own decision, and I will never regret not being asked to be a part of the discussion.
Sorry if this is not appropriate for the Support section, but I just felt like I wanted to write about this experience to let you all know that my life continues to improve – albeit slowly, but last night was a wonderful experience for us both. Thanks for allowing me to share.
Wendell
That sounds like a great bonding experience. I love having older children, and watching them make their way in the world. It makes me proud. You are his father Wendell. From both a sociological and LDS theological position, you have more right to give your son advice and counsel than the Bishop. That being said, I think you are taking a very good approach, letting your son make the decision. Don’t get mad about the Bishop, that just is what it is. But also don’t let that drive a wedge.
I love hearing about how things are improving for you. Thanks for sharing that story.
I decided to go on a mission, even though that surprised a lot of people at the time. Looking back now as a parent myself, I think that was one of the hardest but smartest things my parents did — to let go. I probably would not have gone if I had been pushed and pressured. I think my experience was better and more positive because it was a decision that I completely made on my own (I had nobody else to blame but myself when things were hard or discouraging).
Brian Johnston wrote:
I think my experience was better and more positive because it was a decision that I completely made on my own (I had nobody else to blame but myself when things were hard or discouraging).What a wonderful view. I have never thought of things in that manner before. You just made my day. Thanks for sharing.
Wendedll
Wendell – hang in there. This is great that you talked through your experiences with your son. I agree with Brian that him making his own choice will lead to a much better experience. I think that’s one reason sister missionaries can be more successful – the social pressure to go is not so strong, so they can own the choice (at least I felt that way). Obviously the bishop is in the wrong to interfere with your relationship with your son or to attempt to marginalize you in your son’s eyes – that goes without saying. I say “attempt” because he’s not your son’s father. He can’treally marginalize you. I’m sure he’s doing whatever he’s doing with good intentions and he’s doing the best he can, but we all do stupid things from time to time. At the end of the day, your son is the only one who’s opinion matters on this subject. Thanks for sharing. It might end up being a little tough for your son at BYU and choosing to not serve a mission. I had one friend when I was at BYU in 2004 who chose not to serve a mission. He was 20 and he had a hard time dating because many girls didn’t want to date him because of not going on a mission. People made assumptions too as to why he didn’t go on a mission. Frankly, I think that he chose not to go was a big reason why I wanted to get to know him, but I wasn’t typical. I wish your son the best of luck with his decision. But I don’t think the issue will be really dead for him because he will continually feel pressure to go on a mission while at BYU. My guess is that he’ll be talking to you about it again within a year. Wow Wendell! That is so wonderful to hear. I am so proud of how you handled this. My oldest son went through a similiar experience. He finally told me that he could not go because he did not have a testimony and would be going for the wrong reasons (like looking good at BYU etc). He was also concerned that I may be disappointed in him for not going on a mission since I had served one. I told him how proud I was of him for wanting to do things for the right reasons and that took courage because there is so much pressure in the church to go. That relieved him so much. But, during this time of thinking about a mission he did alot of repentence and setting things right in his life which he did feel good about. Our bishop at the time asked my son if the reason he did not want to go on a mission was because his dad had a bad influence on him since his dad did not have a testimony. Boy, did that make my son mad. He told that bishop off and said, “My dad has always been honest with me about his spiritual struggles, and I respect that alot more than just pretending, and being fake. Honesty and integrity are the qualities he has always demonstrated for me, so don’t you EVER say my dad has been a bad influence on me.” So, I am so impressed with your son as well for being such a courageous and honest young man! My youngest son, who is gay, had also wanted to serve a mission at one time until he realized that God was not taking away his same-sex attraction. I do know many who have SSA and served missions and loved their missions. So, everyone will have different experiences. My mission was extremely difficult for me but it really helped me grow up so I do not regret it.
But, it does tick me off that your bishop told your son to ignore his dad. That is just wrong! And parents have an obligation and right to try and influence thier kids in the way they think best especially while young.
My mission was not a wonderful experience for me either. My dad is the big Mission Prep teacher at BYU, and so I was raised my entire life to serve a mission. I must say that I think I am better for having served than if I hadn’t served, but only in ways similar to people surviving a concentration camp are better for having endured the suffering and hardships of the camp. My dad used to come down hard on young men who refused to serve missions, but I’ve seen a change in him in recent years. Since they “raised the bar”, he follows modern prophets, and no longer says that “every young man should serve a mission”. Some of my best friends never served missions. I have had a lot of long discussions with them about life without a mission. Your son should know that D&C section 4 is right, “if ye have desires to serve God, ye are called to the work.” If he doesn’t have the desire, he shouldn’t go. My dad would say that he should work on developing that desire within himself, but my view is that God’s calling is manifested by placing that desire in his heart. So we disagree, but if your son does not want to serve, then he shouldn’t. That said, you know just how understanding the lay members and most leaders in the church are. Old teachings die hard. They are still stuck on the whole “every young man should serve a mission” program. And it isn’t easy for them to get away from that since they were taught that way their whole lives. When he chooses to live outside of the “cultural norm”, because serving a mission is a HUGE part of the BYU culture, he can expect plenty of social consequences. His dating life will be drastically reduced, but it isn’t impossible for him to find a good girl who understands that not everyone is supposed to serve a mission. Most young women have been taught since they were in primary to only marry an honorable returned missionary. It gets seared into their minds through the Young Women’s years, and when they start dating, they get really picky about who they will let call upon them for a date. He’ll have a tough time, but he sounds like a tough kid, and a good kid, and so I am not too worried about him, as it sounds like you aren’t too worried (at least no more than a reasonable parent worries about all their kids). Bishops don’t last forever, and it sounds like that bishop has shot himself in the foot as far as his influence over your son is concerned. By trying to live above the law he has laid down for your son regarding your advice, he won’t be able to manipulate your son into serving a mission because your son was raised well, and sees the incongruence in what the bishop is saying. I commend both you and your son on being wise and following your hearts. God doesn’t expect everyone to serve a mission, but he does love all of His children. And it’s going to take some time and gentle steering from the leadership of the church to really get the old dogmas to die. Until then, I wish you and your son and your whole family the best of luck.
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