What Staying LDS Might Look Like for Me

It’s been about a year since I first began confronting my crisis of faith head-on. It’s been an up-and-down ride. There are days I think I just might make it, and days I think it’s time to run — not walk — the other direction. I recently realized that a lot of what was holding me to the church was fear of family disapproval, specifically from my dad. And I realized that was a pretty sucky reason to stay. Since making that realization, the past few days and weeks have been some of my lowest lows in terms of commitment to the church. Still, this afternoon I went visiting teaching and had a great experience. You see, I love Mormons. I get them. I speak their language. And as different as I feel at times, I’m one of them.

So I think it’s about time I consider — really consider — what it might look like for me to stay Mormon. Not for my dad. Not for my family. Not for anyone else but me. Then I can decide if I can live with that picture…or not. So here’s my first attempt. I wanted to share it here because knowing other people would see it made it feel more “real” to me, somehow. Thanks for listening.

What I believe…

1. I believe an inclusive, loving, transcendent God who is in and through everything. This means that He is in the LDS church — but not exclusively. He is bigger and greater than the anthropomorphic God of Mormonism, though the anthropomorphic God of Mormonism can teach us beautiful things about God; among them, that He knows better than we realize what it means to be human.

2. I believe that God is to be found through symbols. This means that God is in LDS rituals — but they are not exclusively salvific, nor are they literally required. They are valuable because they orient people toward God in a meaningful way.

3. I believe that God is to be found through service. This means that the LDS church’s opportunities to serve are a tremendous asset. Because of institutional culture, however, these same opportunities can become a burden if service is not willingly rendered.

4. I believe that churches and religious organizations are “of God” insofar as they fill people with love and a longing for reconciliation with each other and with Him. This means that when LDS teachings and practices lead people to charity, love, tolerance, and respect — for themselves, others, and God — they are “true.” When teachings and practices lead people away from these things, they are “false.”

5. I believe in a God of Freedom. This means that the LDS church is right to emphasize the importance of agency. It is wrong to limit that freedom through policies and procedures that obstruct or hinder freedom, especially in matters that have little bearing on a person’s ability to love and serve.

6. I believe that whom God calls, He qualifies. This means that God’s power may very well be rightly exercised by the men in the LDS church. It also means that wherever spiritual gifts are present in a life — whether in men or women, in or out of the church — the authority to exercise them is also present. This is what priesthood means to me.

7. I believe that I am accountable to God, not man, for my standing before Him. I do not have to report or defend my lifestyle choices and beliefs to anyone but God, and when it impacts them, my family.

What it might look like for me to be LDS with these views…

1. I serve willingly, but not compulsorily. I am happy to serve so that I can be a part of the community and give of myself to others and God, but if I receive a calling that I don’t feel comfortable performing, or that doesn’t seem to fit with my life circumstances, I am at liberty to say no.

2. I am a positive member of the community. I affirm what I can affirm, and for the most part maintain respectful silence on issues that are troubling to me. If I feel a teaching is particularly damaging, I might speak up about it, but I try to do it kindly, unthreateningly, and temper it with positivity and love.

3. Temple recommend interviews are a question mark. I feel they are unethical and wrong, but I also enjoy the spirituality of temple service. Here I must decide which means more to me, and it is a decision I’m still struggling with.

4. I do not allow my children to participate in bishop’s interviews. For now, based on past negative experiences, they are off limits. I am free to make that decision without guilt or anxiety.

5. I reach outside the LDS community for additional fellowship and spiritual nourishment. I see my participation in the LDS church as an opportunity to serve and learn from the good that Mormonism has to offer. I recognize that it does not have everything to offer, so I am at liberty to reach outside and find other spiritual communities to develop my relationship with God. Perhaps this is another church; perhaps it is a book club or group of friends whose beliefs and/or approach more closely resembles mine than the LDS community at large.

So that’s a start to a picture of what it might look like for me to stay LDS. I’d love to hear what the picture looks like for others.