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My crisis of faith came a few months prior to my oldest grandson’s temple marriage. Thus I was angry at my faith community when the special day rolled around. I said nothing though and as a granddad, I was pretty much just expected to show up. I did of course, but not to enter the temple. I stood with his younger siblings and my gay son awaiting the reappearance of the happy couple. Some of the wedding party glanced in my direction as they left the building, but nothing was ever said. It’s time now for a repeat performance. My oldest granddaughter has found a worthy man and the same temple to marry in. Once again I will stand with siblings and my gay son, outside. I have twelve grandchildren. If I survive a couple of decades, I will never see any of their actual weddings. I recently googled to find out if we are the only Christian community which turns parents and grandparents away from their children’s weddings. I had heard that Jehovah Witnesses simply don’t invite non-believers. I know I could “pass” a temple interview, but I choose to be ethical. It is who I am. I don’t believe, so how can I say I do? So what is learned from this experience? My family know me to be honest. I have always been consistent (perhaps to a fault). Does forty-six years with the same company tell you anything? How about a half-century with the same church? I feel a little more comfortable with this wedding, because it is the second one. Indeed, if I were wishy-washy, it would make it harder on everyone concerned. I love all my offspring to much to not be upfront on where I am spiritually. As young lovers, the happy couple may not notice my absence, and I totally hope that is the case. My four TBM children though, will take note.
I like music. Recently a new song came into my life, entitled: EVERYTHING IS HOLY NOW. It has a message which resonates in my heart. May loved ones continue to be present in my life AND miracles.
PS: Forgive if this is a oft-repeated topic in the forum, I do need support in my current situation. It hurts.
George, It sounds to me like you are probably working miracles in your quiet way.
I listened twice to “Everything is Holy Now”. Truly, that is how it is, isn’t it?
I envision you outside the temple, the modestly invisible, but powerfully visible grandpa bearing witness of his faith. You are a model to me.
I think you are doing fine. Just fine.
You have to live out your faith George. I think this all sounds very meaningful for you and also for your posterity (even if painful at times). Thank you for your comments. Fifty years from now, my grandchildren, when they speak of me (if they ever do) might say, “You know, Grandpa was a cultural Mormon only.” It would please me tremendously, because it gives credence to an alternate path, a substitute tradition. Thus, if some of my children, grandchildren, great grandchildren (I’m getting old), decide to follow such a path, it allows me to be a candle (I say it with humility). Perhaps it will help take the sting away from the more orthodox among my offspring. I don’t want to cancel anyone’s belief in holiness and miracles, I just want to share my vision beyond earthly structures or ecclesiastical boundaries… back to the Giver of Breath and our beautiful world.
I do not believe everything about the church is true. Actually I do not believe most of it. At the same time I have no problem going to the temple. I pretty much keep up on all the requirements so I can answer as honestly as any true believer. Maybe some questions I just say I am trying my best. Anyway my point is that I figure being a cultural Mormon gives me just as much right to the temple as any member, at least for things such as weddings. Besides if it is all made up what does it matter, and if it is all true I am in trouble anyway. I am not going to let others rob me of the experience of seeing people I love getting married. I personally would not take the stance of making a point by staying outside. To me that is a lose lose proposition, but I do respect your position. The temple has become to much of a control mechanism in the church to compel individuals to conform. I am not sure it is conducive to a real Christian church.
Cadence wrote:To me that is a lose lose proposition, but I do respect your position.
I really like this attitude. We each have to find what works peacefully for us. I hope the common thread is that we can all stay connected and avoid dropping out of sight in all our heretical glory. The church may not think it needs the clarinets, but Brother Wirthlin knows better (at least I think).
Dear George, I wish I understood what your crisis of faith was a bit better. I will address the possibilities that your post presented to me. If you are looking to be a mainstream believer again, I am sorry, but that will likely never happen, but I am young and I don’t know everything. I believe that the new faith you will find will completely dwarf the mainstream LDS faith in comparison. You may develop new faith in the temple or in the church, but it won’t be just because somebody said so, but because of the study and learning that you have done. If the crisis of faith is over whether you should be true to your integrity by staying outside of the temple, then I would completely stand beside you in that. I went to the temple recently with 2 of my sisters while they were here visiting in Utah. I don’t really feel guilt over attending the temple without having a true testimony of it, but I didn’t get anything out of it, and because of the special place that the temple has in the hearts of so many others, I have decided not to renew my temple recommend or attend until I feel prompted by the Holy Ghost to go. So when those I love are married in the temple, I think I’ll be there outside with you and your family members who aren’t allowed inside. Jesus said that the whole need no physician. Those inside have an entire entourage of support, but what about those of us stuck on the outside? I commend you for being there for your son on the outside. That is what Jesus would do.
If your crisis of faith is over whether the church will ever wake up and realize that everything is holy, and that people are all on their own journeys back to God, and no one can mandate what speed anyone else takes their journey at, then I think it’s probably not going to happen overnight. The church is trying to reconcile itself to these true principles, but steering an oceanliner takes time and space. Maybe the day will come when your son will be allowed to attend the temple as an openly gay man. Maybe the day will come when the church stops dividing families over saving ordinances. Maybe the church will soon treat people like people and not like saints vs. sinners. Maybe the LDS church will return to Christ one day and accept His sacrifice for our sins and infirmities. We can see evidence of these things in conference addresses. Until that day comes, be strong. The Lord knows what is going on, and He will sustain you as you continue to put your family first. Maybe in the future, we will reserve the temple sealing for the crowning event of our LDS wedding unions. How would that be if we held a civil wedding ceremony where everyone could be invited to attend, and then have a select group go in their Sunday best to the temple for the sealing, and then everyone dresses up in formals for the reception at the end of the day? I’ve known a few people who have done this who have family members who can’t attend the temple. It works very well. Maybe your grandkids would consider an arrangement similar to that. Personally, if I were to ever marry in the temple, I’d have a civil ceremony and reception on Friday night and then Saturday morning get a small group together for the Temple Sealing. But that’s just me, and maybe that’s why I’m not yet married. I have a long way to go myself, George. But we’re all in this together, and I hope you know that the love of God is not subject to the prejudices of men or a church. May he continue to bless you on your journey as you continue to endure faithfully to the end.
I’m realized of late that a crisis of faith is personal. It doesn’t much matter to anyone else, but it entails much more where we land afterwards. I know “irons rods” can become “liahonas,” or vice-versa. We can slam the church door on the way out, or we can open it ever so cautiously on the way in. We can even choose to sit in our automobiles in the parking lot. From a position of hurt and anger, my heart has turned to a renewed love about our LDS culture; not theology, not history, not personalities – culture. It’s rich and rewarding in so many ways. I’ll miss my sweet grandkids weddings, but I will be with them vicariously, rejoicing on their special days. If one day change comes on some of the unchangeables, my actions may be remembered by my posterity. Old folks like that idea. One thought which sustains me, I left my non-LDS parents at the kitchen table the day I married. They were the most giving & unconditional parents in the world. So, in a way, it’s payback time. My gay son & I will stand together with them, visible & invisible, in unity. It is an absolute for me. Cadence wrote:Besides if it is all made up what does it matter, and if it is all true I am in trouble anyway. I am not going to let others rob me of the experience of seeing people I love getting married.
Cadence, thank you for blessing my evening with laughter!
((George)) I really like that song, too.
As for standing outside during the wedding, I’m so sorry that you feel separated from your family on such important days. I suspect that I’m around the same age as your grandchildren who are currently getting married. Both of my parents are converts, but my maternal grandmother briefly joined the church, about a decade ago. I’ve never been very close with mu grandmother, but she came out to visit me here at BYU a couple of years ago. Se joked about how she and her post-mo friend “didn’t make it” in Mormonism. Grandma is unaware of my own disaffection, but her being open and casual about her relationship to religion has been helpful to me. My grandmother is a beautiful, strong, woman who has been through a lot in this life and I have a lot of respect for her. (I should probably try telling her these things, sometime…) You seem to have a larger family than my own, and out of so many grandchildren, I am sure there will be some who will take strength from your openness and stance as a cultural Mormon, whether you ever know it or not.
Tangentially, I don’t know where I will end up in regards to the church and a temple marriage. If I find myself choosing to marry in the temple, I hope to have a small temple sealing with those to whom the sealing is important. However, I feel like a wedding is supposed to be an opportunity to gather your community around you. So the wedding that I suspect I would announce on invitations and the like would be a separate gathering. I want a wedding that my grandmother and friends can attend. So, rather than having a prominent sealing and a small ring ceremony, I hope to have a prominent wedding and a small sealing. Both being important (should I choose that path), but their significance being distinct and different.
There are so many parents, grandparents, younger siblings, friends and loved ones that are excluded from Temple Weddings that I would recommend that all those you truly love their parents, follow Christ’s commandments and “Honor thy Father and thy Mother”. To truly honor thy father and thy mother, one must sometimes defer to their wishes. I would have gladly delayed a Temple Wedding and gotten married in a field just so that my parents could have been there. As it was, I was married in the Salt Lake Temple – alone. As I went into the dressing rooms in the temple basement to put on a rented temple dress, the lady temple worker totally forgot that I was in the dressing stall. She had actually collected my clothing and locked it into a locker. I stood in that little dressing stall for nearing an hour, crying and hoping that someone would just remember that I was even there.
If I ever had to do it over again, I would never consider a Temple wedding where I would be so totally alone. Never. I can’t even think of my wedding day without sobbing my eyes out.
You must be so strong! I would probably hate the church if anyone I loved were getting married and I wasn’t able to attend. I would also be extrememly bitter had I been sealed in the temple instead of having a civil ceremony first. We had a big wedding and did the sealing a year later. That was ONLY because DH was disfellowshipped and I was on sacrament probation (sex before marriage to be exact). None of my family is LDS. My parents already thought I was crazy enough for getting engaged at 19. I understand the system, I guess but it makes me very upset to think about. And the poor family members that have never been LDS and just don’t understand what is going on, my heart really hurts for them. This is such a sore subject, but it seems like you are handling it well. Such a difficult situation, you wanting to do whats right-them wanting to do whats right .. Everyone is doing what they know to be good but the two mindsets just aren’t able to work together in every situation. Unfortunately marriage is one of them.
I am so sorry. My mom is no longer a part of the Church. My dad was the only one in my family at my sealing. I walked out of the temple, and my mom was crying, I hugged her, and told her I hoped those were tears of joy. I was so worried that she was sad she couldn’t witness the sealing, and I wished my mom was there so very much. My mom had always been a rock in my life, and one of the two people on this earth who really know me. As the child in the situation I can say I am sure your children (and grandchildren) will wish you were there as well, and be so grateful that you are there outside of the temple standing by them and loving them. Thanks for all your comments. I will miss my granddaughter’s sealing, but I know she loves me greatly. Did I mention that my Native American grandmother, a Cherokee (but raised by a loving Creek woman whose brother Grandma later married), threatened to break into the Los Angeles Temple when I got married? Good hard-shell Baptist, she couldn’t imagine not having a seat of honor at her grandson’s wedding. It is the only time I ever disrespected her wishes. I still carry flowers to her grave.
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