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I have been divorced for a year. I still do not think I am ready to look for another relationship, but I do look forward to spending my life with someone else. I am beginning to see that my relationship to the church will effect who I have an opportunity to spend my life with, and who I want to spend my life with. I attend church about once a month. I see the temple as a beautiful spiritual place, but I do not think it supports the idea of an equal partnership. I question who the bible reports Christ to be. I question the literal nature or the importance of the literal nature of the Book of Mormon. I am very non traditional in so many areas. Yet, being Mormon is in my blood and in my bones. It has effected and will always influence who I am, who I pray to, and how I see the world.
I don’t believe a non-lds woman would ever really get me. I believe few LDS woman would even put up with me much less get me.
I start asking a lot of questions. The farther I get from the church what Mormon women will I ever even meet. I question how ethical it is for me to attend LDS singles activities. Does not attending imply that I am looking to take someone to the temple? I do not live in or near Utah.
I also question the traditional LDS courtship. Given the law of chastity there is a terminal velocity to an LDS courtship. Traditionally dating 6 months to a year, than make a decision to marry or brake up. Then you have a race of about 6 months to get married so that you can get to the temple with out touching something you need to talk to the bishop about.
At 41 years old I know myself much better than I did as a recent return missionary. There are many parts of who I am that I do not believe will be changing. At this point in my life I believe it will be difficult to even know in this short of time if this is the person I want to spend my life with, much less figuring out how my complicated life will fit with their complicated life. I question how wise it is to rush such a life change on myself much less onto my children and the children of a potential partner. I also have a gay ex-wife in the mix, and likely an ex husband to interact with. This is a very complicated operation to maneuver in a short enough time to keep your pants on. How does this work and is it wise? I realize even asking this question decreases the number LDS women that would not think I am the son of perdition.
No I am not asking dating advice. I just think there is a mass amount of complicated questions that surround the issues of post divorce LDS relationships, particularly when you through in struggles with any aspect of the church, and I would like to hear some real ideas around this. Likely there are more issues than my small mind has conceived.
(((hugs))) Yes, this path does open up so many questions and other “issues” that weren’t a problem before.
My brother is also recently divorced in his mid-30’s and culturally mormon. In his brief experiences (dating non-lds), he’s discovered the importance of honesty, openness, and boundaries. I imagine that this would be true if he were dating mormon women. I feel strongly that openness and honesty with anyone is critical to our long-term emotional health and, as an extension, our spiritual health. I would guess that most single mormon women in your age bracket are experienced enough to recognize what it is that they want, assuming everyone’s being honest and open. In large measure, that’s true with just about any relationship in an adults life whether friend, family member, co-worker, etc.
You may find that mature LDS women are not the girls you met when you returned from your mission. Try reading some of the women posting at this site. My DH and I were in our late 40’s When we were married in the Temple. We are both members of Stay LDS and have had periods of inactivity. I offered to have a fish fry wedding at the lake and use the beer keg for the minister to stand behind. We had gone to a fish fry at the lake on one of our first dates. We went to the Temple because we knew that marriage was the hardest thing we would ever do. It didn’t seem worth the effort for only 20 or 30 years but for “all eternity” it might be worth the effort. When DH was asked how the marriage was; he replied “Divorce no murder probably.” It is hard but more worth it every day.
The sex drive problem was eased by living far enough from each other the there was much less temptation than if we lived in the same area.
Setting boundaries and developing negotiation skills should help.
The questions you are asking may appear terrifying right now, but I promise it will get better. Sometimes we become so accustomed to having someone laying there beside us every night for 20 years that we miss having that presence more than we miss the actual person. I would try and break that perceived need, if I were you. I am taking my time getting married. My parent’s gave me a queen sized bed for when I do get married, but after a few months on it, I just found that I enjoyed the extra space in my bedroom that a twin sized bed offered. So the queen went to storage and the twin came back in. Remarkably, I don’t feel lonely on a bed built for one, at least not like I did on a bigger bed. So I think there may be something to that. When it comes to how physical you should get with a woman before you get married, that’s something you’ll have to figure out with your God. One of my 40 year old divorced friends asked his bishop what he should do about those innate urges. The bishop said that he understood the situation and was really quite supportive. My advice, nor a bishop’s advice, should not supersede the promptings of the Holy Ghost. If something feels wrong, then stop it, but if it doesn’t feel wrong, and I mean afterwards and not just in the moment, then consider with God whether or not it is okay. It sounds like you are going through some interesting times in your life. Your beliefs are altering, your life is altering, and nothing will remain the same. Sometimes I feel that way too. I can’t be happy with a naive “molly mormon” gal anymore, and I’m not really wanting to jump off with all the crowd that is jumping ship from the church. But everyone is different. You may find as you come to know a person that it is okay for the two of you to have differing beliefs and differing testimonies without allowing that to destroy your relationship. I certainly hope so. That is a healthy relationship where 2 unique and individual people can come together and appreciate their differences as much as their commonalities. I believe that the mark of wisdom is being able to see from another person’s point of view without adopting that point of view as our own. So as you interact with people around you, focus more on being genuine and true to yourself than impressing others and being what they would have you be. It’s nearly impossible to do, but still worth the effort. Since you aren’t worrying about dating any of these people, it will make it somewhat easier for you to avoid trying to impress. The person that you will become will be the real you, and then you can let the real her come and find you, and in time, when you least expect it, she probably will show up. Until then, you have a lot of things to figure out for yourself.
I don’t know all the ins and outs of LDS online dating sites, but I know a couple that got together that way. They were both non-traditional LDS types. I seem to recall they made that open in some way in their profile, or something like that. There are other people out there just like you, looking for someone similar. I really think the Mormon background on some level would make for a better “cultural” match between two people. It’s not impossible, but it is hard for people with no background in the Church to really “get it.”
Thanks to everyone for all the good perspective. A week ago I signed up on two lds dating sites. Both advertized sign up for free. Well I get all signed up and it turns out in order to message anyone or to receive any messages you need to pay an unspecified amount. Thinking about needing to pay to communicate with people the closest of whom are nearly an hour away I am not sure I am ready to dedicate that much time. I work at least 65 hours a week and have my kids two nights during the week and Saturday and Saturday night. I also am thinking what parent of these people are looking for a traditional LDS man. I am just making excuses to avoid taking any serious steps.
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