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For years, my Mormonism revolved around fear. Fear of losing my family, fear of being unacceptable, fear of rejection, fear of being unworthy, fear of my sexual impulses, fear, fear, fear to the core. About a year ago, I realized that was no way to live. I began to live out of faith in God’s goodness.
But I never extended that faith to the God of Mormonism. I assumed He was still what I’d always thought Him to be: scary, strict, demanding, unforgiving. He wasn’t good. He was a distant stake president on a cloud somewhere who cared about me the way I assume my stake president does — theoretically, not personally; out of obligation, not sincerity.
I had a long conversation with a good friend this afternoon and she asked, “Have you ever lived Mormonism out of
faith?“ And the answer is no, I don’t think I have. I’ve never lived Mormonism out of faith in God’s goodness.
I’m left wondering: what does Mormonism looks like when it’s filtered through the lens of a loving God, not a punitive one? I’ve decided to give it a try. I have a feeling I might discover a very different religion than the one I rejected.
And I think it’s the only way to give it a real shot.
Congrats! I think you will find that the church does look better through the eyes of faith in a loving God. It can be a wonderful experience of seeing things like they’re new – for the first time! This reminds me of one time I was taken to the temple when I was
reallyunsure about things. To my surprise I felt so much love “from the universe” (for lack of proper words to describe), and I realized the symbols from my tradition could “plug me in” as well, or more likely better – for myself anyway, than any other tradition could. I look forward to additional insights that you experience.
I think you have just nailed something profound and fundamental, Katie – that we all, individually, approach our faith and faith community from a particular set of glasses. Change the prescription of the glasses, and your vision changes. Now, it’s not easy to change the prescription, because you have to stare at a lot of charts and figure out how to see what’s on them in a whole new light – but finding and seeing through the light of love is a great goal. I would posit that you’ve been wearing sunglasses for a long time, and it takes a while for our eyes to adjust to the full light of the sun. I’m glad you’ve decided to remove the sunglasses, and I hope you enjoy what you discover in the new light.
Brilliant Katie! What a profound way of approaching it. Very good introspection. Thank you for a great reminder that we can make of our religion what we want it to be! My wife does a
very goodjob of living, and viewing Mormonism through the lens of faith and love. I admire her for her ability to do that. katielangston wrote:But I never extended that faith to the God of Mormonism. I assumed He was still what I’d always thought Him to be: scary, strict, demanding, unforgiving. He wasn’t good. He was a distant stake president on a cloud somewhere who cared about me the way I assume my stake president does — theoretically, not personally; out of obligation, not sincerity.
The real challenge is not letting that Stake President get between you and your loving God.
katielanDefgston – great insight! Thanks for sharing those thoughts. As it says in the NT “Perfect love casteth out fear.” In the movie Defending Your Life, the main guy (Albert Brooks’ character) is stuck living his life over and over and being reincarnated because fear has completely stopped his progression. He has to learn to overcome it before he can move on and quit being born over and over. I’ve sort of attempted this in the last six months or so as well, katie! It has been very nice to be able to sit comfortably with my kids in church. I also discovered that the loving “God” of mormonism would also be infinitely patient. His coy smile is not disapproving of the church, just a loving demonstration of patience.
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