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I wanted to start off by saying I completely understand why a parent (LDS) would be emotionally upset with a child who was not attending Church. Especially a child who had been sealed in the temple. My MIL loves her son, family, and the church. She will call him and constantly ask if we are going to church. No questions about how her 16 month old grand-daughter is doing, if we are healthy, nothing- Not even how my DH’s job or state of mind is iow “How are you?”. Finally he told her the truth last night-That we in fact have not been going to church at all for months. The first time she hung up on him and said she would not be visiting in May. I told him to call her back and explain himself, set some boundaries. He did a reasonable job. However, he got very upset when she blamed satan and then me. He mentioned everyone having their own paths and immediately she said “That is not you talking! That is your wife”. Yes I’ve always been a little on the free spirit..love-child vibe. I own it..have for most of my life in regards to religion and people in general.
She does the same thing to me. Tries to make me seem like the good girl and my husband to be the slacker who needs the push in the right direction.
How do you best deal with loved ones who try (unconsciously or consciously) to place a wedge of guilt between you and your spouse? I can be a spitfire. I have no problem telling it like it is and letting her know that I am a step ahead of the mind tricks. Not only does DH work in pyschology but I’m working my way towards it also. We just don’t want to make her cry all the time. I honestly don’t mind taking the rap BUT that would be the false easy way out of the situation-She thinks that if the checklist is flawed into outter darkness you go. It is difficult because we both find it wrong to try to change her extrememly narrow views while admitting that we, together and individually, don’t have all of the right answers. But here is the kicker .. the church does. It is like a endless circle. So this wedge thing is dangerous and I want to make sure no one gets caught in it. Any good words?
Quote:We just don’t want to make her cry all the time.
There’s a difference between godly sorrow and being upset because people don’t do what you want them to do. Let’s not get the cart before the horse here. Who is being emotionally manipulative? Sounds like your MIL’s got her moments on that one. Expressing disappointment is one thing, but parents and in laws should still express their love and support even if they express they don’t like your choices. Being unwilling to visit, that’s being petty. Hopefully she will reconsider. Adults have to make their own choices. I don’t have a lot of personal experience with parental manipulation, but that’s what this looks like to me.
Sorry to hear about that situation LLL. I know from your many posts you’re an independent woman with the ability to hold your own…but it still has to suck to be in that same sentence with satan – even if you know it was just an emotional reaction. Sorry. My only reaction is that love can dispel lots of issues. Christ taught to go the second mile, pray for them that hurt you, turn the other cheek.
I think it would be difficult to explain where you and your DH are to your MIL and have her really understand (at least for the short term), but making an extra effort to show her love and let her know you hope she’ll reconsider and come visit can go a long way…if not immediately, down the road when she settles down.
My family had an immediate reaction when I tried to talk about my doubts…but I just kept working on how to stay loving and kind and a good father and keep striving to find peace and stay close to Christ. Their fears I was “lost” or going apostate have subsided when they see I’m still trying to be loving.
In the end, however, I have had to accept I can’t control what their reaction will be…I wish I was understood better, but in the mean time, we still have a relationship and that is most important.
I hope that helps in some way.
I’m not bragging when I say this but the first 35 years of my life were completely dominated by parental and in-law manipulation. Obviously, when I disclosed to them, I had to take a break from my dad for about six weeks when he insisted that I must have some massive unresolved sin, and my in-laws didn’t talk to me for several months. They did, however, take every opportunity to berate and abuse my DW, as if she could do anything about it. Ultimately, my DW had to take a break for a couple months herself. It really is about setting boundaries, expressing love and support, and then just sticking to the boundaries. My DW had some counseling sessions with her parents where she was able to establish healthy boundaries. My in-laws have since come around and we have a cordial relationship. My parents have been through alot of their own stuff since, and now are actually supportive of me and my journey.
Patience is a virtue, and Jesus said to love those that spitefully use us. It’s hard – probably one of the hardest things there is – when the spiteful users are parents. This probably is your own Gethsemane, where you are pleading for the cup to be taken from you. It can’t be, so I second the others’ advice to set inviolable boundaries – “acceptable minimums” that will result in temporary withdrawl if crossed.
Say to them something like:
“We love you, but we can’t allow you to hurt us by doing _____________. We will never withdraw from you if you don’t do _____________, but if you do we simply won’t be able to see you or talk with you for _______________ (an established time frame).”
After saying it, stick to it. They really do love you, even if they are messed up in how they express it. It might take a LONG time, but they will get the message.
Wow. That seems over the top, to me. I really don’t have any advice (you know how closeted I am
Thank you all for the words of wisdom! It clearly is emotional minipulation mixed with some Godly sorrow. What is strange is the way my DH talks with her. He is totally not “himself”. He communicated so open and honest and at times downright unorthadox!
I asked him why he is gray with his mom but seems to be black and white with me. And he chalks it up to wanting to make sure I know that he believes certain things, end of story. Whatever! Thank goodness I’m not very interested in trying to understand his motives and thought processes anymore!
I just tell him that I accept and respect what he believes and I’m always here if he needs to discuss them .. it’s the best solution I can come up with.
MIL will have to be approached in May. They are definately coming because my FIL – Who is awesome – would have her head for it if she decided not to come.
Being placed next to satan is a bummer! btw … I’ve had it up to here-with satan being tossed around like some sort of celebrity, ruler of all things uncomfortable and different. Drives me nuts. Doesn’t bother me I know it is not true whatsoever! I feel bad for her. I try really hard not to judge let alone place blame. Just blame satan!! 😮 😳 😆 or the Cubs or Yankees LaLaLove wrote:Any good words?
Yes. Love your MIL. Tell her you love her.
And then let go of caring what she thinks. She is not healthy for you sanity.
Brian Johnston wrote:LaLaLove wrote:Any good words?
Yes. Love your MIL. Tell her you love her.
And then let go of caring what she thinks. She is not healthy for you sanity.
I second this approach. I think that we both have the same challenge. We care too much about what others think to the point that it hurts, upsets, or becomes too stressful for us.
Quote:I second this approach. I think that we both have the same challenge. We care too much about what others think to the point that it hurts, upsets, or becomes too stressful for us.
I think this is one of the greatest life lessons for just about everyone on the planet. Many people live their whole lives without being able to get past this, but once you do, life is so much better – promise!
hawkgrrrl wrote:Quote:I second this approach. I think that we both have the same challenge. We care too much about what others think to the point that it hurts, upsets, or becomes too stressful for us.
I think this is one of the greatest life lessons for just about everyone on the planet. Many people live their whole lives without being able to get past this, but once you do, life is so much better – promise!
I believe this to be true…and that truth sets us free in this life.Am I the only person who consistently misreads the subject line of this thread: “Preventing a wedgie”?
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