Hello everyone

I am so glad I found this site. A little back story about myself. My parents were on and off inactive, they divorced when I was 18, and my mom and sister are no longer members of the church, and my dad is still very devout. I became inactive at 16, when I was 18 I met my RM husband, and I just knew that he was the one. Even though I wanted to wait till I was older it just felt so right so were were married when I was 19. I am 26 now and we have 3 kids. Recently I have been wondering what I believe, and so many things about the church does not sit well with me. I have been trying to turn a blind eye to it, but I can’t help but admit that I don’t know if the church is true, some things seem to be against my very core values, and it has just never sat well with me. I have always felt like a sinner, or an outsider for that reason, even though outwardly I fit right in, and I walk the walk. I have had some recent adversity, and because of that it has made me question who I am, and do I want to keep on going like I am with the church. I figured if I just did what I was supposed to do, it would come in time. It never really came, and through many months of wondering, pushing it out of my mind, wondering some more I talked to my mom. She said she was so much happier and lighter since leaving the church. I decided maybe it was not for me, I had it drilled in my head it was all right or all wrong. So I decided that was that, only I never took off my garment, I still went to church, I still did my Mormon thing. I couldn’t imagine letting go, cutting ties with family that would be sad, dissapointing people, not being apart of the community. Even thought I felt so bad for never being good enough to just accept it, not question it, ignore my feeling, I still didn’t want to let go. All my thinking was so black and white, if I questioned the prophet, I must not believe, or must be a sinner.

I came across this site, and read the main article on staying LDS. I was so happy I found a middle way, that I could still be a member but not believe all aspects presented to me. Looking back I am not so sure why I had it in my mind so firmly that it was so black and white. I think when you are told it is the one and only true church you begin to think in absolutes. If it is not the one and only then it is wrong. I feel there is room now to be spiritual, I never felt spiritual before, I never really felt good enough. I am glad to meet you all!