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The other day I was going through some old papers looking for something when I came across a card I had given to my DH. In it there was a poem I had written to him with reference to eternity. It brought back memories of strong feelings I’ve had in the past about my spirituality. I am a “feelings” kind of person and have had many special experiences I treasure. However, ever since my beliefs have changed I can’t seem to get those types of feelings back. I don’t feel like there’s real purpose to my life, an end result to work towards. In away I wish I could just believe again with the same conviction I had before just so that I can have those feelings again. If you’ll bear with me I’d like to give an analogy to how I feel.
Growing up in the church was a little like living on an island. All my life I was told that this island had everything I would ever need in life. I loved my island and for the most part I did feel like it gave me what I needed and provided answers to my questions. I was warned against those who would try to tell me there was more than just this island in the world. They were liars who lured people off the island only to have them wander aimlessly in the ocean. Sometimes people from the ocean found us and sometimes the ocean claimed our own. The safest thing for those on the island to do was to stay away from the edges and keep to the centre. It was a great place to be; many memories, experiences and friendships were developed on this island that I held very dear to me. Than someone I loved, trusted and respected decided he wanted to explore the island. It made sense, if the island was all there was to this world then discovering all of it should be OK. Of course there was the fear of falling into the trap of those wanting to lead the “islanders” away. So he started to explore. He even used the so called “liars” to lead him to the world outside the island. He discovered that not only was there more to this world but for the most part those leading him to this discovery were good people who only wanted to share their knowledge about the “outside world with others. He shared his new found knowledge with me and took me on his adventures. Even though I enjoyed our adventures I still liked the security of the island where so many things precious to me were. But something happened After my explorations everything on the island looked different. I couldn’t’t seem to get back those special feelings I had held so dear. The treasured experiences I had had while believing the island was all there was to this world, had lost their significance. I wanted so much to have those feelings and experiences again but all I felt was emptiness. I found myself wandering around with no path to follow and no map to tell me where to find my way.
I hope this is just I stage I’m going through and I will be able to get though it in time but it just gets me down sometimes. Is there anyone who had been through this before and found something that helped?
Thats a great way to express that “loss of feeling” – I’ve had that loss too and wished I could go back to “the island”. But, I believe its different now. You can’t go back to thinking the way you did, you must move forward to find something new…and I believe the new can be even better.
To continue the island analogy/story…no one island has all the best fruits and vegetables around the world.
Though you have your home island favorites…it is definitely worth it to go off the island and find some incredibly new fruits and vegetables in the outside world…there are good things out there. You may want to go back to the island, as it feels like home with all your comfortable things…but now you can allow yourself to enjoy MORE things off the island, and still go back to live on the island where you feel at home, and no longer have the fear of the unknown.
In fact, I think the leaders of the island that tried to protect the islanders from the outside world are proud of you that you are able to safely go across the ocean and learn what is good there, and can safely come back to the island. They are just more worried about the younger kids that can’t safely make the journey, and the guidance to stay safe has somehow over time morphed through word of mouth and traditions to “the island is the only good place” and “off the island is bad for everyone”, but even most of the leaders don’t really believe it that literally.
findingmyownfooting wrote:The other day I was going through some old papers looking for something when I came across a card I had given to my DH. In it there was a poem I had written to him with reference to eternity. It brought back memories of strong feelings I’ve had in the past about my spirituality. I am a “feelings” kind of person and have had many special experiences I treasure. However, ever since my beliefs have changed I can’t seem to get those types of feelings back. I don’t feel like there’s real purpose to my life, an end result to work towards. In away I wish I could just believe again with the same conviction I had before just so that I can have those feelings again.
I couldn’t’t seem to get back those special feelings I had held so dear. The treasured experiences I had had while believing the island was all there was to this world, had lost their significance. I wanted so much to have those feelings and experiences again but all I felt was emptiness. I found myself wandering around with no path to follow and no map to tell me where to find my way.
I hope this is just I stage I’m going through and I will be able to get though it in time but it just gets me down sometimes. Is there anyone who had been through this before and found something that helped?
I was feeling the same way all day. It was such an empty feeling and like the passion was gone in my life. I wish I could feel secure and so sure of things again. But, it’s time to grow and that is scary sometimes.
Congratulations! You have grown from being a big fish in a little pond, or a big Kahuna on a little island to being a little kahuna on a big island! Okay, maybe that is as clear as mud, so let me expound: You have out-grown the little island, as wonderful as it was. Just like a mother eagle kicks her eaglets out of the nest so they can grow and fill the measure of their creation in this big world, we must leave our nests too when we are grown enough to fly. We may not feel like we are ready and wish we could stay in this safe, comfortable nest that we’ve known for so long, but in the end, it is for our own good and growth to leave the nest.
Lest anyone think I am telling people to leave the church, let me further explain:
This island, or the nest, or the little pond, is not representative of the church, but the stages of faith, or schools of thought. When we are ready to learn and grow, it won’t do for us to return to where we have been, no, we must expand our knowledge and spread our wings. We must continually broaden our horizons. We must continue to grow!
I feel much the same about many things both spiritual and and physical. I miss having my parents alive so I could talk to them. I wish that ” I am a child of God ” was all the doctrine I needed. I’ve been waiting for 10 years for my next life to happen. After 32 years of teaching I was ready for something new; but nothing seems as interesting as the past. I think this a very normal way to feel as we pass through life. I think this is part of most everyone;s life not something exclusive to searching Stay LDS types. I say this not to make less of your feelings but to show what an important part of growth they are,
Konvert Kid wrote:I wish that ” I am a child of God ” was all the doctrine I needed.
I vote for that! You mean it isn’t? You are divine. I am divine. What more could there be?
finding, thanks for that story. As I read it I was reminded of feelings I had entering adulthood. I longed for the safe feeling I had as a child, my parents took care of all my physical needs and would greet me with a smile and some dinner when I got home. “Real life” can be harsh, cold, and cruel, but today I am thankful for all that I’ve had to weather. Sometimes I still get into reflective moments when I dream about the innocence of youth, but I realize I can’t “go back”. It just wouldn’t work. I’ve grown and moved beyond that stage. Now I can “relive” it through my children, as I at the same time prepare them for adulthood in some ways that I wish I had been prepared. Thanks again for that though provoking example!
finding- I loved what everyone said and I agree totally with Heber: there is something waiting for you that is even better than what you ever could imagine. Hang in there!
Finding: Quote:I hope this is just I stage I’m going through and I will be able to get though it in time but it just gets me down sometimes. Is there anyone who had been through this before and found something that helped?
Two realizations:
1- you can leave the island, but the island is still within you
2 – eventually we ALL leave the island, and you can only take with you what is in you.
3 – the island is just a means to an end, and YOU are the end.
Orson wrote:Sometimes I still get into reflective moments when I dream about the innocence of youth, but I realize I can’t “go back”. It just wouldn’t work. I’ve grown and moved beyond that stage.
Thanks, that really made sense to me.Thanks to the other comments as well. I’ve realized that just because things may “look different” now it doesn’t mean that I’ve lost everything I’ve built on “the island”. I’m sure there will still be ups and downs but I guess that’s all apart of the experience.
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