- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
My husband said he believes the church to be true,but he is really bad about going to church. It has been close to 3 years now that he has back to be inactive, and has only gone to church a handful of times with in that time span. I ask him why, and he said he just doesn’t like church, and he figures one day he will start to go again. He knows of my doubt about the church, but he thinks I will come around. He served a mission, gone and he said he completely believes the Book of Mormon to be totally true. I have been the one to take our three kids to church, and while I do enjoy it, I do not go very often know. It becomes some what taxing to go with 3 young children, during the baby’s nap, also it is a decent commute to church. We have been in this ward for about 8 months now. I am known as the inactive person, and I think that makes me some peoples project. I know they are being nice, and doing what they feel is right, but it is awkward at time. I will be called and asked why I was not at church, and I would really rather not tell them the real reason. I feel like if I said “well here is my thinking, and this is why I am not so devout”, it would just open a can of worms. I usually just say “we are just fine, no worries”. Not to mention I am really private, and I don’t like people to fuss over me.I am not sure how to approach these people who, while I know their hearts are in the right spot, keep checking up on me. I think it is fine that they call, I would like to talk or be friends. I just hate the inquiries as to why I wasn’t there.
Also I really enjoy my visiting teaching partner, and I also really enjoy people I visit teach. I do not enjoy my visiting teachers so much. I try to avoid having them come over, but some times they show up unannounced. One is a young lady who doesn’t have kids, the other is a super anal mother. While there is nothing wrong with that, I feel like they are at time passive aggressive. They will make comments about how my 3 year old will get in the cabinet for food. One will say “that is not allowed at my house, my kids know to ask me.” the other “yeah when my I have kids they will never do that”. Things of that nature. I think I am a pretty good mom, but after they leave I think I should call nanny 911! Aside from that they gossip, which I do not like (yes I know I am some what doing that here, but hey they are anon.), and even though we don’t talk about much they stay forever. One of my visiting teachers is related to the relief society president, so I know if I ask for them to change it, it would get back to her.
The thing is I don’t want church to be dramatic.I know I am fodder for gossip at this point, but I don’t even want to know about it. I just want to go when I go, have my privacy, and my space. I like distance, unless I want to let someone in. Is that even possible in our church to have this? Just to reiterate I understand where they are coming from. I am not offended in the least.. I just need to figure out how to nicely let them know that it is ok not to ask why I am not at church each week. Also any advice about the VT.
*I have horrible spelling and grammar so I apologize!*
It’s definitely one of the harder things to do, especially in our church but you owe it to yourself to create boundaries. If it’s not ok for people to inquire about your personal, private life, you need to tell them that. If they get offended, you also need to understand that that is not something that you can control. You must take care of yourself and if you do it in an open, honest, sincere way, then time will help you get to that place that you would like to be. Most of us are too afraid to set boundaries with others because we’re afraid they might be offended or hurt or take it the wrong way. So, instead, WE start to manipulate and do the passive aggressive thing in hopes of getting what we want without confronting the real problem. This, of course, creates a whole new layer of potential problems and issues and the system just keeps growing until bad things finally happen. But you can break the cycle early, before it gets out of control.
swimordie wrote:Most of us are too afraid to set boundaries with others because we’re afraid they might be offended or hurt or take it the wrong way. So, instead, WE start to manipulate and do the passive aggressive thing in hopes of getting what we want without confronting the real problem. This, of course, creates a whole new layer of potential problems and issues and the system just keeps growing until bad things finally happen. But you can break the cycle early, before it gets out of control.
I agree with Swim…and also think that if the boundaries are set tactfully and early on…it is usually not the problem we often fantasize or worry about. However, I know with members of my family what often happens is they do not set boundaries because of the reasons Swim mentioned above, and it sits and builds and builds…then finally it is released like through a fire hose and then it does create a problem. Better to do it early, honestly, calmly, and with a smile.Quote:Better to do it early, honestly, calmly, and with a smile.
I agree – and will point out that there is no “or” in that sentence. It’s early, honestly, calmly AND with a smile.
Swimordie is our community expert on psychological codependency. This is clearly the root of a lot of the problems you mentioned (for you and many of us too). Set firm boundaries. Do it with love and with smile on your face. After that … you have to stop caring about managing their feelings. You only manage yours. I totally know what you are talking about with the “Oh! We didn’t see you in Church, why weren’t you there?” line of questioning. Those people are truly and honestly trying to be nice (95% of the time). It doesn’t sound like you are the type to respond how I do, but that is one question that is so dysfunctional and counterproductive, I can’t let it go. I can’t because I know they will ask that of other inactive an “fringe” people like me, an it makes people uncomfortable — the opposite of what they want. They need to say something like “Hey! It’s so great to see you. How are you doing?”
I have gone through periods of inactivity. When people would ask those awkward questions “I didn’t see you last week. Where were you?” I would respond “I was using a Romulan cloaking device. You didn’t see me because I was invisible,” and then I smile or laugh to let them know I am joking. That pointed out how bad the question was. I’ve even told some people that question makes people uncomfortable and awkward. Most people “get it” when you point it out to them. They really want to be nice. They are just saying things that are not accomplishing what they intend.
I would be interested in hearing how this plays out during the next few weeks. I hope you will keep us updated. A few ideas about your visiting teachers…maybe… 1. Ask one of the Relief Society counselor’s (who’s not related to your visiting teacher) for a change.
2. If they show up unplanned, tell them it’s not a good time.
3. If & when they gossip about someone, join in (with all of the acting skill of a gossiper you can muster) except say, “Oh, guess what I heard about them! I heard that they are a child of God! Can you believe that?”
Thanks for all the advice! I had a meeting with the bishop this week but I missed it! Next week I think I will be getting a lot of where were yous, so I will have opportunity to respectfully make boundries. I am not sure what I will say to the bishop, I am not sure what he wants. I have a feeling he will release me from my calling and possibly ask me to be in the primary! I will keep you posted. brynngal wrote:I am not sure what I will say to the bishop, I am not sure what he wants.
I don’t want to misinterpret this so take it for what it’s worth…
In thinking about creating boundaries, we can’t really concern ourselves with “what he wants”. We shouldn’t bend our own feelings/beliefs to work with what the other “expects”. We share lovingly what we want, what we want out of the relationship, what will work, what won’t work. If this is not something they want to hear or if they try to manipulate us to think/feel differently, then we know we must create a boundary that this is unacceptable.
We won’t be manipulated into doing/thinking what they want us to do/think. Manipulations come in the form of guilting, shaming, scaring, threatening, etc. You’re not a bad person just because you don’t meet someone else’s expectations. Their expectations are their problem. Not ours. We do the best we can wherever we are on our current journey and we don’t allow others to affect the love we have for ourselves and the confidence we have in our own journey. It’s our journey after all, not theirs. We have to live with ourselves and love ourselves without being affected by others thoughts/words/deeds.
I know, easier said than done, I’m exhibit A…
🙄
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.