Talking with your spouses

I wish I could answer that for you, but I can’t. I don’t know your wife or your situation well enough.

All I can say is that I always err on the side of not risking hurt rather than risking hurt.

I wrote the following a while ago here. It says it as well as I can say it:

“My Marriage as a Metaphor for My Church” (http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=238&p=7750&hilit=metaphor#p2107)

I love what cwald said.

I think it’s personal. As one examines the core concepts of personal spiritual belief, one can recognize the validity of all belief as equal. In that light, one can empathize and sympathize with those whose beliefs differ. I think from that perspective, with love and respect, any two people can have a cordial conversation wherein no one feels attacked.

This is the ultimate, being able to express and acknowledge the equality of belief, thought and spirituality. Even when the other doesn’t reciprocate. One must remember the end goal, to acknowledge and accept, even if the other is unwilling to loosen their grip on certainty.

A few days ago, I wanted to talk with my wife about a topic in the church that we do not see the same way. I was very leery of doing this as, nowadays, I find that any time I try to speak with her about the way I see things, it usually ends up with her in tears.

That has been my experience as well, SMiLe. However, as everyone else has stated, a relationship and personalities differ so much, there are multiple reasons for why it is hard to talk about between spouses. When I see my wife in tears when I start talking about it…those tears and her emotions are just the symptoms or the outward expressions that I detect…the root of what she is actually feeling and then deeper as to what she knows and understands that lead to her feelings…are complex and have multiple layers.

So, I doubt my wife who is crying about it, and your wife that is crying about it, are feeling or thinking the same things to know exactly how both of us should handle our situations.

Hence the beauty of relationships. No computer program or elixir can be made to fix it. It takes work for 2 unique individuals to work it out with faith and hope it can be worked out and bring each other as one…and the outcome can be growth.

I have had to remember to be patient. I went through my “dark night of the soul”, and have studied and thought through things my wife hasn’t. I can’t convince her to think like me, or that I’m right and she needs to catch up to me. Or push her into a crisis so she experiences what I did, any more than a spouse that has depression should push their mate into a depression also just so they can understand each other. I have to seek to understand her and what is important to her, and go slowly always showing that I’m not an angry person…and if she still sees I’m a loving and kind father and seeking goodness in life…that is one layer of the onion we can peel back and she doesn’t have to be scared that a “doubter” like me equals an evil fallen man that will destroy our family chances of exaltation.

Slowly, I can talk about issues as they arise…our friend asked at dinner, “Do you really believe the flood covered all the earth?” As we talked about it, my wife saw how rational I was thinking about these things and she hadn’t thought of the bible that way before. I didn’t force the subject…but I was ready when it happened that I could respond intelligently. That is less threatening to her, and another layer of the onion is peeled.

We’ve still got work to do in our marriage, and have specific issues we’re dealing with…but I believe it takes time, effort, patience and love. I choose to love my wife just the way she is (instead of asking if I still have that feeling I love her, I make it a verb to love her)…and I have faith the rest will take care of itself in time.

I have had to remember to be patient. I went through my “dark night of the soul”, and have studied and thought through things my wife hasn’t. I can’t convince her to think like me, or that I’m right and she needs to catch up to me. Or push her into a crisis so she experiences what I did, any more than a spouse that has depression should push their mate into a depression also just so they can understand each other. I have to seek to understand her and what is important to her, and go slowly always showing that I’m not an angry person…and if she still sees I’m a loving and kind father and seeking goodness in life…that is one layer of the onion we can peel back and she doesn’t have to be scared that a “doubter” like me equals an evil fallen man that will destroy our family chances of exaltation…

I choose to love my wife just the way she is (instead of asking if I still have that feeling I love her, I make it a verb to love her)…and I have faith the rest will take care of itself in time.

I appreciated that too! Thanks.

I think we all want to feel that we’re understood & validated. Empathizing with my DH, who I disagree with at times, isn’t easy, but it’s the loving thing to do. There are always things we have in common & agree about. & like you said, if we are loving, so they know we’re not “fallen” then they’ll trust us & be more open with each other. And a relationship is only as good as its communication.