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Well, hi there. Thanks for the chance to tell my little story and join a community. I’ve been lurking around here and other places in the bloggernacle for awhile, but here we go! I’ll try and be as brief as possible, and this means telling a very bare bones version (you’ll be thankful) so appreciate that it’s not quite as cut and dried as I’ve presented. Anyway…
A lifelong member of the LDS church, I’ve undergone a huge shift of faith in the past year or so. It’s been liberating, terrifying, sad and hilarious – I’m sure I’m not alone in this hodgepodge of emotion. The back-story – I was born and raised LDS, the oldest of five. However, my parents split when I was 18 and despite three out of my four siblings and my mom going inactive, I’ve remained in the church. I tootled along relatively well up until last year when I started dating a wonderful guy. The catch? Not Mormon. But it didn’t really matter to me; I was 29 and didn’t believe a life alone was better than a life with a terrific man of a different yet similar faith.
The shift started when he began to attend church with me (see, told you he was great) and afterward would ask me honest questions, such as “women seem to have a lower status than men in your church – does it bother you?” The secret answer was “um, YES” but I wanted to provide good PR for the church so I gave him a pat answer. But his questions got me thinking. The status of women
didbother me. And so did other things, but now instead of ignoring them, I acknowledged and addressed them. (As an aside, church history stuff has never been a big issue – my Dad was well versed and as kids he told us the weird stuff about J. Smith and B. Young so the even weirder stuff I’ve found out since hasn’t really bothered me – I’ve never thought prophets were perfect.) The point is, my all-or-nothing, black and white mentality started to change. This was scary. So anyhow, we dated for 8 months and then, as sometimes happens, we broke up. This was an absolutely horrible experience (I realize I’m not the first person to experience a horrid break up; just go with it). But what was even worse was this: at a time when I desperately needed comfort, and also previously when I was trying to decide what to do with the relationship, heaven shut its doors to me. Completely. Whereas before I had felt guided by my link to divinity, I now had nothing, and not for lack of trying or worthiness as far as I could tell. A few people I tried to talk to about it would ‘Footsteps-in-the-sand’ me. Nope, sorry. There was nothing. I can’t explain it. If I could, I probably wouldn’t be here (in this forum). And perhaps that’s just how it had to be for me; I don’t pretend to have all or any of the answers – maybe God left me alone for a reason. But I truly realized for the first time that just because I do ‘A’ doesn’t mean ‘B’ will necessarily follow. This was a tough lesson, and I’ve emerged on the other side bruised and a bit jaded. The end result: my experiences have changed my perspective enough that I now have some incredible frustration with a lot of things I see in both the LDS church and culture. I’m rebuilding a testimony from scratch. It’s hard, but I think it’s more authentic.
And I’m rebuilding because I don’t want to leave. I like being part of a religious community, and I suppose I could leave and join another church, but it would probably drive me just as crazy. And why throw the baby out with the bathwater? There are some pretty great things about the LDS church and the people in it. And, like I say, I don’t have all the answers. Maybe God does have multiple wives and doles out punishments and likes to mess with us for fun – what do I know? (I really hope not) But I’m willing to stick around and hopefully be a help to others and try to be as good a Christian as I can. However, I’m not going to sit and smile and be patronized in the meantime. I’m going to speak my mind, but I pray I can do it respectfully and without being ignored or dismissed. *fingers crossed*
Thanks folks!
Welcome, Martine! There’s nothing like trying to preach the gospel only to have your own testimony shaken, is there! Been there done that. I’m learning a lot & it is kind of scarey venturing – where the answers are not all known, but this forum & especially meditating (in all of its forms) helps. Sorry to hear about your break-up…things will look better in no time!
Welcome! It’s always good to have a lurker come out of the closet. 😆 I hope to learn from you as you learn from us.
Love reading your story, even if it has been a hard road traveled. Welcome to the community here. Welcome. I loved your introduction, very heartfelt. Hopefully you will be able to find what you need here. Hi Martine…thanks for the honest story. One thing I love about this place is that we can be honest — and get support rather than get torn apart like other forums. I hope you’ll find acceptance and support here. I’m going to maybe give a different angle (I guess I’m known for that…
😆 ) on your story. As each of us has gone through a questioning and re-building our faith in some way, it is common to have some core principles that we carte-blanche accept and don’t question. Sometimes that can keep us just as confused as before. For example, I find it common for questioning Mormons to struggle with church doctrines, but accept the story of Jesus as it is presented in the Bible — when many scholars legitimately consider much of the Jesus story fiction — compiled by political leaders to control the people of the time. I’m not saying it is, or isn’t historically true, just that in my opinion, almost all religious teachings are subject to being false, exaggerated, or borrowed from earlier mythological stories.The same applies to the nature of “God.” We often refer to “Him,” yet question what is said about him and his commandments. Again, we all know of the JS first Vsion that is most often accepted by Mormons, and the alleged information Joseph obtained from that experience. For many of us, much of Joseph’s claims and lifestyle after that experience lead us to question Joseph’s foundational claims completely. But we still seem to hold on to what he and other “prophets” say about God.
What I’m trying to get to is the part of your story where you said the God withdrew from you. I would suggest that it may be possible your perceptions of how “God” relates and communicates to you may be wrong (I’m not saying it is, just that it may be).
Today, I have a very simple definition of God — God is Love. He/It may be a simple energy in the Universe that works unchangingly to allow us to grow together. That may look very different to each of us…but I think we each have the ability to recognize the important traits of love, and can improve ourselves when we live consistently with love.
Hmm, where am I going with this? I guess I’m suggesting that at least in my life, I found much peace when I finally got over trying to reconcile so many contradictions in the church with the teachings of a “God” that was also defined in…CHURCH! I think great happiness and enlightenment comes when we stop depending on outside sources to learn about God, and finally find “Him” within our hearts. How we behave after that is not as much of an issue as what our attitude is within.
Thanks for the welcome, all. 
Rix, you’ve further expounded on what I’ve been feeling. I may not have articulated it very well due to concerns about being long-winded, but the very nature of God is exactly what is at the centre of my struggle. The God I was taught about my whole life seemed to change, and if God is unchanging, then what? So yes, I’m reformatting what I believe God to be. Currently, I view God as a two person, male/female entity (I haven’t dared to say this out loud to anyone) and it’s working for me, but like most things, it’s subject to change. I take a lot of comfort in realizing that I don’t have to have all the answers and that I could be wrong about everything. It’s liberating!
Anyhow, cheers!
Martine wrote:Anyhow, cheers!
I have many friends that refer to God as “Goddess,” or “She…” It’s always interesting to see the look on others’ faces…just so common in our culture to call God a “He!”Welcome to the forum — I’m sure you’ll fit here just great!
Martine wrote:And perhaps that’s just how it had to be for me; I don’t pretend to have all or any of the answers – maybe God left me alone for a reason. … I’m rebuilding a testimony from scratch. It’s hard, but I think it’s more authentic.
And I’m rebuilding because I don’t want to leave.
Marine…welcome.Have you read the Fowler’s Stages of Faith thing and Wendy Ulrich’s FAIR conference talks?
Both talk about crisis and renewal.
I experienced it also, and although it is frustrating and hard…the experience does lead to a more authentic faith. I agree with you that I think God knows this and is why He allows it to happen…and sometimes maybe even nudges us that way.
For me, I would be ok with trials if I felt “guided” along the way. But the very hardest for me was when I felt He let go of the 2-wheeler I was on and I felt all alone in a time I thought I needed Him the most. I think my determination in the past kept me from leaving the TBM state…so there was likely no other way to get me to “peddle on my own” other than a crisis to push me out there.
Thanks for your intro. I think you’ll fit in well on this forum!
Martine – welcome to the site. I really enjoyed your intro and am looking forward to your insights as you rebuild. Loved your intro, Martine!! Welcome! And, absolutely loved, loved, loved what Rix said. I can sense that “God” is unchanging but we aren’t and so our relationship to “Her/Him” is what changes.
Martine wrote:Currently, I view God as a two person, male/female entity (I haven’t dared to say this out loud to anyone) and it’s working for me, but like most things, it’s subject to change. I take a lot of comfort in realizing that I don’t have to have all the answers and that I could be wrong about everything. It’s liberating!
This is a great place to kick around ideas like that and talk about them. I also have that inclination to want God to incorporate the feminine and masculine somehow. Our traditional LDS answers solved some theological problems. But like most answers, they lead to more questions. That isn’t bad. Perhaps it is progress and growth.
Welcome Welcome. Isn’t it wonderful to have a place where you can express doubts without fear. As my name indicates; i have come from a very different background. Lots of other churches have many problems we have, such as the problems of gender equality. It is not a J. Smith problem! Again so glad you have started speaking not just listening.
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