Do you think I am going to Hell?

Hi Alisa,

Sounds like you are going through a stage in your life when you are trying to individuate and become your own person. Sometimes, when we are raised in the church and are so believing we try hard to be good girls, follow the rules we have been taught, and be obedient. Then you became a wife and mother and you sometimes feel like you loose yourself or your identity. You just don’t know who you are and what you really believe. I was that type of person too growing up and served a mission and wanted that happily ever after ending. I did not hit my rebellious stage until I was 50. Then I felt like I was dying inside and needed to individuate from my husband and kids and become my own person. So, I think it is normal for a time period to just try things out and figure out what you really believe. God understands, even if we don’t, why we are doing and feeling what we are. He is much more patient than we give him credit for. The thing the we eventually have to decide is what we are becoming and who we want to be. Just like you would be patient with your kids during their trial and error stages of life, so is God. So, NO, you are not going to hell!

Bridget

btw, my gay son told me once he thought he was going to hell (when he had not been able to get rid of his same-sex attraction). Only son’s of predition can go to outer darkness or hell as I understand it. Most of us are not knowledgable enough to be in that category.

I still go to church and pretend all is going well (in public). I am my own person now and the church does not own me anymore. However, my change of heart towards the church was not because I struggled with living the way I was told. I did go through the same feelings as you though and I think they are very common to LDS ( especially women IMO) members. Sometimes the requirements of the Mormon religion set people up for a lose-lose situation. I don’t think it is possible to do everything the church says we are required to. Yet guilt/pressure is often given to meet all those requirements. I now no longer believe that many of the “do’s” have anything to do with my “salvation” or that many of the “don’t” have anything to do with my “damnation”.

This is going to over-simplistic, but I believe once you resolve your fear of eternal burning (which, btw, is not part of “official Mormon doctrine” but certainly is internalized by too many members), it will be MUCH easier for you to find the type of peace you want. I believe part of accepting the concept of an atoning grace, which is the core of “pure Mormonism” imo, is accepting that your best is your best and God is fine with it – and that doesn’t mean your absolute best in a vacuum, but simply your sincere effort.

Fwiw, my own simple description of the classic Mormon take on the here-after is that: those who try will be rewarded so generously that they will be astounded, those who coast along and don’t really try will be rewarded in a loving and gracious manner, those who don’t try at all but revel in harmful things will be rewarded more than they appear to us to deserve – and only those who punch God in the face intentionally will be punished. Also, we will be where we will be the most comfortable – except for the God-punchers.

I really love that, personally.

Alisat,

Welcome to the forum. I think there are some great things said already. I’ll add my thoughts too, if it helps.

I try to focus on my belief that the church is a church of love, not a church of fear. Many people will talk about fear of breaking commandments and what happens to us in the next life if we don’t live perfectly in this life…but I don’t think that is the focus or the purpose of the church. So for me, even if people say that at church, I ignore the fear-mongers and focus my journey on how I’m developing as a person and how I can develop love in my heart for God and for my neighbor (the 2 Great Commandments). Once I found I can let go of guilt and fear of all my imperfections…I found I can be a much happier person, and at peace to where I can search out God and see the good in life and in ways the church helps me and my family.

Secondly, the question is, what to do with things like the Word of Wisdom? If I don’t believe it is literal like it is taught in church, and I don’t think God really cares about coffee, tea or an occasional drink…than how will I cope with the church teaching that or that I must live it in order to go to the temple to see my kids married? Probing those questions to me has brought great insight and enlightenment. But I approach them with “How can these help me?” rather than “what will God to do me if I break them?”.

To your last comment…I don’t think God wants you to hate yourself, no matter what.

I’m glad you’re here on the forum.

Wow Alisa, I wish I could just reach out and hug you. I bet you are a wonderful mother, and I bet you’re a wonderful person to be a light and example to all those primary children. Seriously. I also wish I could tell you something magical, something simple and easy, that would just instantly change your perspective. It really doesn’t seem to work that way though. I have a sneaking suspicion it’s that way by design. God really isn’t seeing you the way you are seeing yourself though right now. You are not going to hell, not by a long shot.

The interesting thing that struck me about your introduction is you don’t seem to have issues with Church history and doctrine. That’s what drives a lot of people here. It sounds like you are kind of just tired, to tell the truth. Being the mother of 4 children, and being in the primary presidency will do that.

Hold tight to the beautiful connections you expressed, those things you mentioned about feeling “called” to serve people, and other profound spiritual experiences you have/had. It’s OK not to be perfect, and it is beautiful to try anyway. God isn’t mad about that. I can tell you there’s a light at the end of that tunnel. Many have gotten past this sort of perspective. I feel like I have for the most part. I often tell people that I am friends with God now (not so much his child anymore). That’s what it feels like. I used to beat myself up a lot too, somehow thinking I wasn’t worthy of his love. Heaven isn’t some place we suffer our lives for and only go to in the future. It really should be here and now.

Hang in there! You really are going to be just fine. You will figure it all out.

FWIW, I am probably similar in a lot of ways. I am very happy at Church, and don’t feel at all like I am false. But I also don’t think I have to tell people all my different views and practices right after telling them my name in introductions. I also don’t have to walk around with scarlet letters pinned to my shirt. People can tell I am different by the way I talk about things, but I am positive. People who really care, who really want to know, I can talk to as I feel prompted to talk to them if they need explanations. Quite honestly, most people really don’t want to know.

Have you read the “How to Stay in the LDS Church” article we host here at our site? http://www.staylds.com/?page_id=29 It’s the first one under “Articles, Essays, etc.” in our resource library. There are LOTS of great tips in there dealing with various topics and challenges.

I empathize with you. I really do. I think that as you start to read through some of these forums you’ll find that your story is VERY similar to many others on this site.

Alisa, I think the church is slow on the female thing, but it is happening. It’s gradual. The change is happening, but it’s imperceptible. I’m not a woman, so I only see it from the outside, and it doesn’t affect me a lot of the time, but I do notice a growing prominence of women in the church, and power being given to them.