Spouse lack of support

Heber, I am in a very similar situation, so I totally get where you’re coming from. I have actually been very secretive about blogging for fear of having the same reaction that your wife had. I didn’t come out to her until about a month ago, and I’m still not sure it’s a good thing.

For the past 2 months, my wife and I have been seeing a marriage counselor for non-religious marital issues. Our counselor recommended a book for us to read called “His Needs, Her Needs” by an author called Harley something. I’m about 1/2 way through the book, and the author made a statement that marriage partners need to be completely honest with each other. I made the statement that I didn’t think honesty was always the best policy, and my wife wondered why. I told her that I know she doesn’t like it when I study all this church history stuff. For example, I went to the MHA conference in Missouri this past weekend, and I know my wife was mildly ticked at me for attending the devotional at the Community of Christ Independence Temple, rather than attending an LDS service. I talked to her about my interest in BoM geography theories, and she told me how unimportant that was. Yes, it is unimportant to her, but it is important, and spiritually uplifting to me. I told her that’s why I hide this stuff from her, and she said that perhaps we should bring this up with the marriage counselor. I’m not sure if this is a good idea, or if I’m getting myself into more trouble. Time will tell.

So, with all that background, I will tell you that my wife was pleased when I told her that I was an admin at StayLDS. I told her that this website feels like being a missionary, and my purpose in being an admin here is to help people stay LDS. She seemed to like that angle. However, I don’t know if that will work for you, because I think your wife questions your testimony more than my wife does. I also told her I was an admin when I introduced the concept of StayLDS to her, rather than after the fact like you. I know my wife wonders if I’m going apostate, but I’m pretty orthodox when it becomes to LDS behavior, so I think that has eased her mind a bit. I do bear my testimony in sacrament meeting once in a while, I help out with the Cub Scouts, and I was just recently released as Membership clerk when our ward split, so I don’t have any “activity” problems. I am also much more active in genealogy and temple work than she is.

I think I know where Ray is going with his question. If your wife wants you to quit checking out StayLDS, perhaps you should quit for a time. We will miss you, but your marriage is more important than this website.

Sorry Heber. I offer my sympathies and understanding of such a situation.

I agree that if you can do without StayLDS spiritually for a time it is worth taking a break. This is part of what happened to me during the months from December to February.

Here are some thoughts that may or may not be useful.

I would say, at this point, my wife and I are just now coming “out of the woods” with the whole crisis thing (let’s see we’ve been doing it nearly 2 years now). We have a good understanding, and even agreement about most things (though I’m more critical). It takes my wife longer to work through things than me. For many months my situation was just like what you describe and I had to limit all Mormon related internet use to the workplace. Even when she claimed she was okay with me being on StayLDS every time she saw me do it I could tell she was agitated. About a month ago though, we had a very positive change. I think she started to see that I needed StayLDS and MM to help me recharge spiritually and have a place I felt at home. She also started reading MM. That was a HUGE step for her I think, but it has made a world of difference. We now talk about the articles there, express opinions (which are usually very similar), and have something in common. But even just six months ago she would have rather taken a bullet than read MM.

My point is, I think by and large there is nothing you can do to fix it (as we men are often wont to do). I think it just takes time and it will really need to be her ordeal. I know that’s unsatisfying, but… However, I think a faith crisis is one of those life events that, if it doesn’t destroy you or your marriage, it will make them stronger. I think my wife and I are just now starting to reap the rewards from this.

Incidentally, there is FacesEast. My wife was there for a while but quickly found she didn’t fit in there (she’s not real orthodox either). Also, I’ll tentatively offer my wife’s services if your wife is interested. My wife also swears (unlike me since I’m above that ), doesn’t mind shopping on Sunday, and has always disliked RS.

All of this is great advice. It reconfirms to me why I have been drawn to this site and why I stay participating. I don’t seem to have any other place to go to where I feel friends are able to listen to me and offer reasonable and sound advice.

It is also interesting to me to see how many times we think we are the only ones in a situation, when actually life has pretty similar situations for us all, and so seeing how others handle things is a huge support for me to get ideas on handling things in my life.

Thanks to you all.

Are you at a place where you “need” to participate here?

For now, I do need to be here and participate. I get little stimulation or satisfaction in my current ward. Participating here has been the biggest thing to work on my spirituality. My wife doesn’t understand it yet, but this has been the biggest reason I have been able to stay so loving and positive to my family. I’m a more balanced and patient person by being able to work through topics like we do on this forum.

For the past 2 months, my wife and I have been seeing a marriage counselor for non-religious marital issues. Our counselor recommended a book for us to read called “His Needs, Her Needs” by an author called Harley something.

Unfortunately, counseling is not an option for us right now. Our last counselor was a bad situation that is a whole other topic we don’t need to get into. But I will check out this book. I like how you approached it with your wife, and perhaps if I’m patient over time, we can get to that type of discussion and understanding.

but could you use that type of traditional language to express your desire to work on the site?

YES! Great advice. I will give this a shot and I think I can also phrase it honestly, like you suggested, and she see that I am really engaged in a good cause here…I am not trying to be apostate…but sincerely love people who come to this forum and feel I’m in a better place to bear my testimony to others…not let others influence me away from church or family. I think if she can listen to that…it could very well dispel some fears. I like this approach, and as Ray said, throw a couple titles around to let her know the types of folks I’m associating with.

I agree that if you can do without StayLDS spiritually for a time it is worth taking a break.

I would be willing to do this as a secondary approach, but I get so much out of my time here, I’d rather not. However, I am willing to sacrifice personally if I need to. But I’ll try the other approach first, and this be a back up plan that I can show her I can do without if needed. It would just make me sad.

Also, I’ll tentatively offer my wife’s services if your wife is interested.

Thanks Eu. I am not sure my wife would be comfortable with that…but I appreciate the offer. Perhaps if we get into another yelling match like we did on our way to the temple last time (fiasco 🙄 ) and I need something, I can offer that to her.

Thanks again for all your support and understanding. I will try to post something on the regular forum related to this, but just didn’t feel I could go into this much detail openly.

I will let you know how it goes and if I feel I need to step away for a while, so you can have an idea of my involvement here.

That sux. I think it’s common for spouses to be wary of interests that are not common to both of them, especially:

– if the interest involves a big time commitment (which is totally subjective). If this is the issue, you can address one of 3 ways: 1) scale back on the time, 2) encourage your spouse to engage in a separate interest of his/her own, 3) get your spouse to join you in this interest.

– if there are other marital problems with trust or intimacy. And honestly, what marriage has total trust and intimacy? It’s an ongoing journey. None of us really knows what this person next to us day in and day out is actually thinking. For this, I think you just have to build in trust through appreciation and intimacy through time spent together (and the quality of that time).

– if the spouse fears side effects of the activity. This sounds like a major issue here, and I agree with the advice to frame what you are doing in church terminology. It just makes more sense to those who are TBM. I explained something similar to my DH about two years ago, that I feel gratitude for what I’ve received, and that I feel compelled to help others in the way I needed help when I had my own faith crisis years ago. I feel for these people. I want to be a positive catalyst in others’ lives. But, as Eu mentioned – real life has to come first!

– if a spouse is controlling. This is a toughie, and a real cause for divorce. People in this situation need to give the spouse a little time and space to relax and grow up and to release their white-knuckled stranglehold on what is ultimately uncontrollable (usually other people’s free will). I think making it clear what your own boundaries are (being a practicing member, committed to being in the church really helps) helps.

I’d also ask yourself a couple of questions:

– What exactly do you get out of this? How can you explain that need to your spouse in a way she will accept and empathize with?

– Are there other ways to fill that need? Are some of those ways more acceptable to your spouse?

– How can you completely neutralize whatever threats your wife perceives in your interests? (lots of suggestions above)

Anyway, keep us posted!

Hi Heber, I see I’m late to the party here but I relate to your situation. I probably came at it from a different direction. Our marriage endured a time when I was thinking (in “peak crisis”) that I wouldn’t be able to be fully active in the church. I thought I would always go to church with my family, but would be seen as an “unbeliever.” My wife had a REAL hard time with that situation. It was NOM that she asked me to stop visiting, and I accepted her request. I hung a little on Faces East to get a better understanding of what she was going through, and Brian hooked me up into what became this situation.

I remember my wife saying one day “you better learn how!” …to become an active comfortable member of the church again, because our quality of life was suffering greatly, and I couldn’t see it getting better anytime soon. I remember spending significant time thinking about that. At the time I couldn’t understand how that was possible. I framed it as “how can I act like I believe something that I honestly just don’t?” I had heard of terms like “Sunstoners” but I didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t see any nuance in the church at all. Then I started reading E. England, Bennion, Eyring, Arrington, etc.

Anyway, long story short I did feel guilty about not sharing StayLDS openly with her. One day after some good news (one new user here showed significant progress – a huge mellowing of tone and expression of hope) I told her I was so excited about the situation. I shared the good news and said “I hope you don’t mind I’ve been spending some time online trying to help people stay with the church.” She responded “why would I mind that?” I said “well, I guess just the thought about having conversations with people in that situation”, but I continued to say I feel like my whole journey has (at least in part) had the purpose of teaching me to “speak their language”, so I can reach these people and maybe help them plant a new seed of spirituality.

So in the end she expressed no hesitation about StayLDS, but I have still been hesitant to enable her close inspection of some of our conversations. She seems to be completely uninterested in most things church related outside of Sunday church. If I have something I think is really cool that I want to share with her it seems she has to act interested in it. Maybe not all the time, but as a rule. So we just don’t talk too much about church subjects. She’s happy that I’m active, can go to the temple, give blessings, etc. That alone seems to make her world complete. Maybe I’m underestimating what she sees in me, I do consider myself a believer – though my belief today is “new”, it’s not a total recovery of my younger belief. However, it is more “fire retardant” than my previous paradigm.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful to your situation, I guess I just got rambling about myself. As you can see from where I was at one point StayLDS looks pretty good! I would just look for ways to demonstrate that you are solidly in the church and nothing is going to drag you out. What I get from my wife anyway is the need to feel secure and stable in the church. My sister’s recent disaffection I think has also helped her see that I am in the church and not looking for an excuse to get out.

Sending good vibes your way!

Holy crap, I love that movie!!

Back to our regularly scheduled program . . .

Fwiw, if you read this in the near future, mention that you are trying to follow Elder Ballard’s counsel from three years ago when he asked the membership to participate in online discussions in order to share the Gospel and strengthen others. It was a very clear request, and that’s essentially what you are doing here.

I feel for you, especially since your wife’s reaction is emotional and not rational. Hopefully, she will see that at some point, but you have to do what you have to do to make your marriage work.