Niggling Doubts

I think I have felt this way in my “testing” of my faith and deciding what to hold on to and what to let go of.

For me, Word of Wisdom was something that just makes no sense, and to me, the more I studied it the more it became an abritrary church standard for organizational purposes, not the spirit of the revelation as it was given. Ok, if that is what I think, and my conscience is clear about that…on my next business trip can I just go to the hotel bar and start drinking? Well…as I really thought about it, I felt guilty I would be violating that just because I can. Doing so would make me feel weaker, and guilty. There was no “upside” to doing that. I want the guilt to go away…not add more to my life.

So I have resolved to continue to live the WoW because that is how I was brought up and I have no reason to change that. Perhaps if there was a good reason (and I believe others may have good reasons not to live the WoW…but I couldn’t think of any for me), I could do it and not feel guilty. But doing it just because I can wasn’t a good enough reason. Now, you have stated you have introduced tea back into your diet…and I think that’s cool..I make no judgments towards you or anyone else that it should hurt your spirituality. But for me, I still don’t…that’s just me.

I guess what I am saying is that if your heart and conscience are telling you something, study those out and learn from that. Ask why you feel that way? Are there good reasons? Don’t add more guilt and don’t disrupt more peace just because you can. If your new standards are better for you, than that is good. But always trade up…your prior obedience to stuff just because you were taught that way may not be as good as you obeying the commandments of tithing or Word of Wisdom or chastity in a modified way that helps you really feel at peace and more healthy spiritually. The choice for change should be to step forward and be better, and really learn for yourself what you believe is right for you. Then it doesn’t matter so much what others think.

That is what I’m working on.

Wow, I really love what Orson just posted. It’s between you and God, period. That’s the part that is so excruciatingly difficult because our framework of who God is and how He feels about us is just as much a part of the whole paradigm as everything else is.

For me, it was a matter of discovering that God, as I define Him, loves me unconditionally and that, as a good person, I can do nothing to offend Him. Or disappoint Him. He “sent” me here for a reason and, if that includes learning from my mistakes, He certainly can’t be disappointed in me because that’s what I’m here for.

In my mind, it’s not “perfection” in the obedience sense of the word, rather “perfection” in the acceptance sense of the word: accepting oneself, accepting others, and accepting the blessing of life as it is. Because life does seem to be the perfect teacher.

Taboo breaking is powerful and, for some of us, important. But wisdom and trading up are wonderful guiding principles. I find that one way for me to practice taboo breaking in an inward way is to look up to people who break my taboos. If a fellow is holding a can of beer, do I let that color my view of him? If the kids are playing soccer on Sunday afternoon, am I judgmental?

Conversation with Ego

Do something!

What should I do?

Do something about survival.

What should I do?

Look at your budget. Look at your calendar. Check your email. Something. Anything!

Am I a human being, or a human doing?

If you don’t do something, you could die. You can’t just sit around all your life. After all, you are starting a new business. The future is extremely uncertain at this point. You have to do something!

I am observing the Stopping Day of I Am Your God. And to tell the truth, I think I need it. This non-stop business starting is a bit maddening.

Yes. The Stopping Day of I Am Your God. I like that. It’s clever. Who else but you would come up with such an original and intent-filled expression for your day of rest?

Mmm. Yeah. It sure is a pretty day today. This week has been pretty hot, but today has been in the room temperature range all afternoon. The kids have been delightful playing outside all day.

Is that allowed on the Sabbath?

Am I allowed to say, “Get behind me, Satan?”

Yeah, that makes you sound like Jesus.

No, thanks. Then I will just say I don’t really care whether it’s allowed for them to play or not. That’s not my business. My business is to love them and delight in them.

That guy looks like he has a beer in that bottle.

Yeah. Maybe he does and maybe he doesn’t. I can’t tell.

You never drink.

Well, maybe I just will. Don’t get so self-righteous so easily. Did you even notice he is out with his daughter playing catch? Did I do that today?

I didn’t notice.

That’s okay. Nobody notices everything. And now he came over to check on some whining puppies. I just don’t think beer or no beer is going to cut it as a status symbol for me. He seems like a wonderful person as far as I can tell. I think I can learn a lot from him.

You gave a great smile to that little boy on the bicycle. You are a blessing to this apartment complex.

We all are. We all are blessed to be here together. He is a blessing to me. I am a blessing to him. I’m no different than anybody else.

But you are superior. You come from a noble heritage. You are an Eagle Scout. You are conservatively dressed. You are clean cut. You don’t smoke. You have an education. You use beautiful language.

Do those things make others happy? Comfortable? Comforted? Loved?

Sure, they do. See. That dad just cursed. You don’t do that.

I’m not going to argue with you. Arguing seems only to strengthen you. I’m going to turn my attention to the delightful things around me. I hope to eat. I hope to sleep. I hope to use the bathroom. Just like every other being on the planet. Enjoy me being normal.

Within the past year I’ve been overcome by questions about the church, and as a result my adherence to LDS orthodox rules has modified significantly. Interestingly, rather than leading to more guilt, I have felt a LOT less constrained and burdened by the constant guilt of falling far short of the list of things I was supposed to be doing and not doing. While I still obey most of the commandments – and certainly the major ones – I have let go of a lot and surprisingly have felt more at peace with myself and with God. It’s almost like I’ve begun doing things for a very different reason – one that has less to do with me and more to do with what is best for others.

Green tea is now a favorite of mine as well, but similar to what you described I couldn’t bring myself to start drinking coffee due to the fact that I have 30 years of ingrained resistance to it. I’m somewhat ambivalent about paying tithing per se but my wife is insistent on it, so it gets paid. I actually feel that it’s a good thing to donate, whether that be to a worthy charity or to the LDS church. Other things I’ve let go of (at least for now) are temple attendance, home teaching, and really boring priesthood meetings.

Dropping all the adherence to these things hasn’t caused me to feel guilty in the least bit, on the other hand there is a huge relief knowing that I’m no longer holding myself accountable for things that were done out of a sense of social obligation anyway. I’ve sort of reconciled myself to the fact that God knows my heart and thoughts, and I’ve been able to establish rules that make sense and are right for me. That concept might sound horrible to a TBM, but since my absolute faith in the church is shattered anyway, I am definitely more at peace with myself in this regard and dumping that awful weight of constant guilt has been a huge relief.

It’s funny that as an orthodox mormon I was so focused on trying to live up to an impossible ideal that I seemed to forget about just trying to be a good person and do good things wherever I can. Now that I have cast off much of that burden, I feel more free to focus on things that really matter more deeply.